It was a long drive down to Auburn this morning. I was extremely sleepy by the time I left the house having been up since 2am and couldn’t wait to get this over with and go home to get in the bed. I was thirty minutes early for my appointment as well – never knowing when to leave the house to get to Auburn on time. I signed in and sat down in the reception area resigned to wait a long time and was called back as soon as I had sat down. I was so relieved. The person before me had cancelled their appointment.
“How are you feeling this morning?” my doctor asked over cheerily for my mood. “You get in early today! I always like being early.”
“A little sleepy,” I said. “I am still having some insomnia issues.”
We talked a very long time about how to deal with my anxiety at work. My doctor is so pleased I am working and have taken control of my life. She feels this is so important for my mental health. We also talked of all the recent steps I have taken to improve my life like not drinking, the quitting smoking, having control of my medication intake, etc.
“You have the perfect opportunity to save up a nice nest egg these next nine months with you working fulltime and getting disability,” she told me smiling. “Take advantage of it.”
I then told her I couldn’t take any confrontations or any causes of adrenaline at work. It would cause the most severe anxiety attacks – my heart pounding furiously in my chest and I would feel confused for awhile.
“Keep working through it,” she told me. “You’ve got to retrain your brain how do deal with anxiety situations. For eights years, you’ve been under some pretty dire and stressful situations with your family. You haven’t been out in the world much for a long time. It is going to take some time to get better. You are doing the best thing by just getting out of the house and dealing with these anxiety issues by working and going about life unfettered.”
We lowered my Risperdal to 2mg a night along with continuing to take my Paxil. She prescribed me three Klonopin to take take per day “as needed” for anxiety. She also prescribed me Ambien to help me sleep – urging me to take it every night even though I had some misgivings about taking another drug. Doctors just seem to have this inane inclination to add more drugs than take away.
“It is important you get a good night’s sleep for your mental health,” she told me.
“I will see you again in a month,” she told me as we stood up and vigorously shook hands as she handed me my prescriptions. “I think you are stable enough to go awhile now without seeing me.”
The only other thing she wanted me to do was to get some blood work done before our next visit to check my kidney and liver functions after all those years I took all those extremely high dosages of medications. I will have to be sure to tell mom to put this on my healthcare calendar so I won’t forget it before my next visit – such things just do not stay prominently in my mind.
I left the doctor’s office and drove directly to Hardee’s to get my favorite breakfast of two steak biscuits, hashrounds and a diet coke. We no longer have a Hardee’s in my hometown and it is a treat to eat their biscuits – them having the best fast food biscuits in the South in my opinion.
A Big Step…
Maggie, Caramel and I slept for about four good hours until my cellphone rang. I got up and answered it sleepily saying hello?
“Your mother and I are bringing you her Civic in a minute,” dad said excitedly.
My father really does love me and wants what is best for me. He just goes about it in a wrong way sometimes. He just has no sensitivities with regards to personal boundaries. They were here in a few moments – dad having called me from his new car. We signed over both titles to my cars into my name. Mom spent her time here on the sofa with Caramel in her lap as Maggie jealously looked on – vying for her attention.
“Now, you are going to be responsible for both cars monetarily from now on,” dad said very worriedly. He still has trouble letting go control of me and my life. “Do you think you can handle it?”
“Dad! I am 38 years old!” I exclaimed, laughing and exasperated. “I need to be able to take care of those kinds of things for my self esteem.”
“The current insurance on both cars will expire soon,” he said. “I will go with you to get the insurance in your name.”
Dad and mom soon left and I went for long drive out Spring Road into the countryside in my new car. It is probably the first time that engine has ever been over 4000rpm. I “blew out the carburetors” my grandfather would always say of getting a new car and taking it for it’s first drive. I smiled vigorously as I checked out all the features and set the clock on the stereo to the right time. It was turning out to be nice day.
An iPad on the Way!
I ordered my new iPad. I paid extra for overnight shipping which was expensive, but I just can’t wait. I want something new to play with. I have worked hard for many weeks and enjoyed spending some of that hard earned money on something I will really use and enjoy. I ordered the 16GB model with no 3G – the 3G wireless plans being too expensive for my blood. I can’t wait for tomorrow to arrive. I bet I will have a hard time sleeping tonight despite taking the Ambien. I saw where Wil Wheaten got a lot of flak for buying an iPad on Twitter the other day. There seems to be this love or hate relationship with Apple with regards to people. I find their products fascinating for a gadget geek like me. There is just something so appealing about them for some reason.
How are you feeling today?
I feel much better after my long nap this morning. Mentally, I feel fine – very calm and serene. I experienced some anxiety about going to the doctor this morning, but it was nothing of the magnitude I have experienced in the past. I seem to get better and better with every week and it is so encouraging and exciting. It is so nice to just relax and feel mentally calm – to not feel like I am constantly about to jump out of my skin. I didn’t realize how bad I felt for years until I came off all those many medications – medications for obsessive compulsiveness, depression, anxiety, schizophrenia, bipolar, etc. I was on a regular cocktail for years. No wonder I felt badly with me not being really mentally ill. All those medications are renowned for their side effects.