Well, I had a one hour therapy session this afternoon. I think it went okay. I am not too fond of therapy finding my blog much more useful for such things than a frumpy looking lady leading me on with questions. It is also expensive and my insurance will not pay for it. I don’t know how long this is going to last. I did it on the strong urgings of my doctor.
“What do you think causes your anxiety?” she asked me at one point.
“It’s physical and medication related I believe,” I replied honestly.
“Well, what do you do when you have anxiety?”
“Ideally?” I asked looking for more direction.
“Yes, ideally,” she replied. “How do you handle the situation?”
“I get in the bed and rest,” I said with a nervous laugh looking for a nod of approval. “But unfortunately I can’t do that at work or when I am not home.”
She gave me an anxiety workbook to take home for homework. I still firmly believe it is physical/medication related and not mental. I think it is the antipsychotic I am taking which thankfully my doctor has cut my initial dosage of 8.5mg awhile ago down to 3mg. I am feeling so much better these days. Yes, I still have some anxiety, but it is nothing compared to what it was.
Manipulation and Coercion…
Mom called me a moment ago on my cellphone.
“I have one of your Model Railroaders over here at the house,” she said. “I knew you would be wondering where they were you love them so much. There are also some letters from a correctional facility.”
“Yeah, I was,” I replied. “I thought it had been a long time since I got one. Why did all that come to your house?”
“Your daddy has started getting your mail everyday the other day,” mom told me. “He is worried you are going to start getting credit cards and running up a lot of debt he will have to pay off when you stop working as he believes you will do.”
I sighed and told mom I had to get off the phone and call dad. I got him on the phone amazingly. He usually will not answer when I call his cellphone these days. He was at the pharmacy working in his office.
“Why are you getting my mail???” I asked trying to stay calm.
“Your mother said you got a Visa card a few weeks ago and I just can’t take you running up debt and me having to pay it off. I wanted to get any cards before you got them to tear them up,” he replied. “You had a bad day the other day and I don’t think you can work much longer.”
“It’s a debit card for my checking account, dad!” I exclaimed. “I don’t have any credit and don’t think I could get a credit card if I tried!”
There was a long uncomfortable quiet pause on the phone.
“Don’t get my mail anymore okay?” I asked calmly. “That’s crossing the line.”
“Why don’t you start getting your prescriptions filled back with me?” dad asked changing the subject. “Your uncle says your medications have greatly been reduced. You are going to get really sick again. This new doctor doesn’t know what she is doing!”
I sighed again.
“If we go back to the old ways, I will let you have your mother’s car,” he said astounding me with his coercion. “I am buying your mother and I new Hondas soon. Quit your job and let me start bringing your medications again. You need your Risperdal Consta injection.”
I was wondering why dad went to all the expense to have both of their Hondas washed and waxed and then serviced at the Honda dealership in LaGrange the other day.
“Dad, my CR-V can last me another ten years mechanically. I wouldn’t trade what I have now for anything. I am happier than I have ever been in my life!”
“Just think about it for me, okay?” he asked very pleadingly.
“I will think about it,” I said and hung up the phone.
Boy, was I pissed, but thankfully I didn’t show it. I have learned it is futile to get in an argument with my father as we just end up in screaming matches. My father never ceases to surprise me with his coercion and manipulation. I have come to the conclusion that he is the one who is crazy with this incessant need to control my mother and I. It just boggles my brain. It is times like this that I understand why “The Homeless Guy” left San Diego to escape his life and family, and then drove to Nashville – one of the more homeless friendly cities in America. The Nashville Rescue Mission was looking awful enticing this afternoon. lol