Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Therapy Couldn’t Arrive Sooner…

“Be sure to talk about your father at therapy tomorrow,” mom told me on the phone after work. “I know you don’t want to talk badly about your father, but much needs to be said.”

I said I would.  Mom blurted out that dad made a smart ass remark about my ailing refrigerator.  You have to be careful what you say to mom as she will tell it to the third party consistently.

“He said that now that you are working and want to be so independent then you should have to buy a new one yourself.”

I was hoping the several thousand dollars of disability money dad has saved up in my account for emergencies would pay for this.  I had to fight the urge to grow infuriated. It is just not worth it.  I will buy a cheap refrigerator at Sears and just be done with it.  It will just be part of the responsibility I am taking on by becoming independent from my family.  By May, I would have to pay for it myself anyway.  That disability money is really not mine in the grand scheme of things.  It is dad’s and he feels that way about it having taken ownership of it many, many years ago.

“Your father also doesn’t like you coming to family events because he thinks you will drink your sister’s husband’s beer like you did last Christmas,” mom furthered, blurting out more revelations.  “He feels he has to constantly watch you to keep you out of trouble.”

“I only drank three beers to calm my nerves,” I said in my defense. “I would have been drunk if I drank all the beer in their fridge!”

“Your sister insists you drank all the beer in their refrigerator without asking,” mom said. “This kind of thing just makes your father go ballistic!”

I kind of chuckled.  “Much ado about nothing!” was my primary thought.  I am not close to my sister and don’t particularly relish going over to her house anyway.  My brother and sister have mostly treated my mother and I with disdain over the years.  In most normal families, a sister wouldn’t mind her brother having a few beers on such a special occasion.  Not in mine.

“I’d go see a therapist if you father would let me,” mom then told me.

“Just go and do it,” I replied.

“He would be infuriated saying the therapist would fill me all kinds of bad ideas!”

Mom sure was being a busybody today.  I hung up the phone after she asked me if we could ride down through the Valley later in the day just to talk and spend time together.  It has become a common routine for us.  I have to chose my words carefully, though, or it will get back to dad. 

Drama at Work…

“I filed for divorce from my husband yesterday,” my supervisor told me revealing all. “That son of bitch moved in with his mother.”

I sighed. I didn’t want to know all the sordid details of my supervisor’s failing marriage or private personal affairs.  It made me feel uncomfortable.  I did express concern for her over this turn of events, though, out of kindness. They have been married for many years.  It was a sudden revelation that took me by surprise.  I kind of groaned thinking of the more furtive advances my supervisor will now make in my behalf.  She is a very sexual creature that just oozes sexuality.  I won’t dare tell Stacey as this will send her into a stir.  She is already extremely jealous of our relationship.  

Work was routine other than that.  I like everyday to be like the next with no surprises.  I like to carefully gather my carts and dote over them during the day.  I don’t want anything to upset my very set routine as it will cause anxiety.

Today was steadier than most days – the grocery side of the store being very busy.  As the day progresses, the traffic in the parking lot gets worse and worse and it can be interesting trying to gather all the carts with all the traffic.  People just do not show common courtesy these days and have no patience whatsoever.  Often, people will honk their horns at me if I get in the way.   If they honk their horns too much, I will act like I am having problems with my mechanical pusher much to their dismay.  Just my little form of civil disobedience that always brings a smile to my face and a frown to their’s.  

I was also musing over this early morning at work about this being the start of my third month of working.  I would have never thought I would have lasted this long.   In my all or nothing fashion, I have completely turned around my life going from an idle internet addicted homebody, to this very active man with a fierce independent streak.

Starting a New Tradition…

Tonight is my night to spend the night over at Stacey’s house.  I hope I can sleep tonight.  I will take two Klonopin and an Ambien and  hope that knocks me out and I can sleep in the black hole that is her bed.  Stacey is cooking supper for a change which should prove interesting.  She doesn’t cook much and I haven’t had much opportunity to eat her cooking.  She said she was making a chicken casserole, salad, and garlic bread.  I am going to miss my pups tonight, though.  Last night, Maggie was being so affectionate.  I really have my hands full with two dogs in the bed.  Maggie insists on being in contact with me as we go to sleep.  Caramel’s routine is to lie next to my chest under the covers as I turn the air down at night and it gets cold.  She is so short haired.  I sometimes feel like I can’t move not to disturb the pups and it can grow claustrophobic. 


I received my first call for lawn care work this morning after Sandra began putting all those business cards in the prescription bags.  I was so excited.  It was the first call I have had in over two weeks.  I told the man I would be over tomorrow afternoon to mow his lawn as we negotiated a price.  I am hoping these calls will turn into repeat customers.  I have grand designs for my business and hope to put George to work as well.  I would eventually like to buy a commercial grade mower which will cost thousands.  That is far down the line, but it is exciting to muse over nonetheless.        

Mental Health Check-In…

How are you feeling today?  I felt a little anxiety after work oddly. Usually, it is at work I feel the most anxiety.  I was busy rearranging all the monitors in my den and grew too excited.  I bought some more cables at work and was excited to get home and get my “command center” situated.  I could never do this kind of stuff if I was married.  My various audio/visual fixations literally drove Rachel crazy when we were living together – her saying I made our den look cluttered.  Never mind, the stack of Magazines of hers that sat in the corner of the den that was almost four feet high.  And she said I was the cause of clutter.

I slept really good again last night getting almost nine hours of sleep.  I did have to get up once to use the bathroom.  I knew I shouldn't have drank that large glass of cherry limeade before bed, but I was quickly back asleep after lying down again.   I can’t express how much regulating my sleeping habits has helped me mentally.  My psychiatrist was right – that it is so important to my mental health to get a good night’s sleep.


glittermom said...

Your father is not intitled to your disability even though he receives it..It is your money and if you need something basic like a refrigerator then the money should be used for it..I know you dont like confrontation with your dad but you are intitled to your money..Maybe you should try to get control of it..

Syd said...

I don't get it that your father keeps your disability money. It is yours by law, isn't it? I hope that things go well over at Stacey's, although it sounds like the dogs will miss you. Glad that there is a dog door for them to go in and out of.

This IS The Fun Part! said...

Suggestion for the pups - leave the radio or tv on softly. We do that with Dixie and Rascal. It does make a difference for them.

You need to be very frank with your supervisor. Put a stop to her advances NOW. It can be done in a friendly, relaxed way that leaves a good working relationship. (I hope.) Just tell her that it makes you very uncomfortable and causes you to have some bad anxiety. If it doesn't stop, you may have to file a formal complaint (but don't tell her that - it's too heavy a threat). I hope that she's just one of those huggy type people and will quit it when she understands that it bothers you.

Your dad is a piece of work. You have lived a frugal life - so that some of your SSD money could be saved for 'emergency' expenses that come up - like replacing appliances, paying property taxes, paying car insurance, etc. That is YOUR money. Every year your dad is supposed to show proof that all of the funds were used for your benefit. SO - that money should be used for whatever your needs are and you shouldn't have to beg for it. Check on prices for the fridge you need and tell dad how much you have to have out of YOUR savings.

Sorry - - nagging is over for today!

You know your situation better than anyone writing these comments! And so far, you have done so very well with your decisions. You have every reason to continue to maintain complete faith in yourself! You are doing so well with everything - what a great job you're doing, honey!


justLacey said...

Your dad may have said that too your mom, but I believe he will pay for the fridge in the end. He is still miffed that you are regaining control over your life and until he sees that you are really ok (which will take some time) he is going to think he knows best.

Tee said...

Ditto to what Grannie said, well, except for the Dixie and Rascal part. LOL.

Jonathon, that SS money is for YOU, not your dad. If you need a refrigerator tell him you have to have one and if he's not willing to use YOUR money to purchase it add a some assertiveness to it and he might give in. You might want to tell him SSA would not be happy if they knew he was withholding YOUR money. As Designated Payee he has to report to SS how your money is spent. I know this is super tough for you to stand up to your dad, but look where you are today because you did stand up and take charge of your life.

You MUST tell your supervisor that she is making you very uncomfortable with her actions towards you. Actually, this seems to border on sexual harassment, which is a crime, really, a federal crime at that, just like discrimination. Grannie is right, if it continues warn her one more time and then file an official complaint against her with her supervisor. Her behavior towards you to TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE!!!!! I'm sure with her leaving her husband she is going to feel free to be more "flirty" with the males. You have got to put a stop to her inappropriate behavior toward you.

Keep encouraging your mom to seek professional help. Tell her to just make an appointment and go and NOT tell your dad. My heart really goes out to her.

Enjoy your evening with Stacey. I hope supper turns out well. Maybe you can give her some cooking lessons, in a sneaky sort of way, like, "have you tried this, or have your tried doing that this way?" You might have to teach her to cook. LOL! If you have learned from Helen, I know you can cook good.

Summer said...

I thought about you today. My youngest and I went to Wal Mart and as we were loading the car a young man was gathering carts. I told my son about you.

Beth said...

Add my agreement to those who say the SSI money is yours, not your dad's, and that your account should pay for the refrigerator. YOU do the homework, though, and find a good deal on one -- often appliance stores have scratch-and-dent models that have a ding cosmetically but that work great. Then tell him how much money you'll need to get it delivered.

I'm very, very glad that you're still seeing a therapist -- I'd wondered. That will eventually really help you to stay on track and begin to dump the old resentments and fears. Please encourage Mom to see one too. She really needs it, and it will take some of the burden of her 'true confessions' off you. She needs her own advocate, a safe place to vent, and help in reclaiming her life, if she wants to do so. (So does Dad...)

Be careful what you say to your supervisor, but I do agree that if she tells you more than you want to know that you indeed should gently tell her that it is more than she should be telling an employee. But keep notes as to what was said, your response, when and where. Document, document, document. It will cover your butt.

Tee said...

Beth is absolutely right, document, document, document. It WILL cover your butt if you have to make a complaint about your supervisor.

Sharon said...

If your supervisor makes any kind of advances towards you, that's called sexual harassment and it's against the law. As is your father keeping your SSI money for himself. In the beginning I'm sure the idea was so you wouldn't misappropriate the funds for drinking, but he's using it to hold you emotionally hostage now. You are entitled to buy a new refrigerator with YOUR SS money. If he withholds it, he's stealing from you.

Carol said...

Hold your ground and your supervisor will find a new love interest and leave you alone! Also, I totally agree with you about sleep.

PipeTobacco said...


Unfortunately, while the SSDI funds are yours, your father's control over the money puts you in a helluva bind. Your father sounds as if he is using the "all-or-nothing" approach with you concerning his actions and his love. It is sad, really.

You may want to consider, if the ailing refrigerator you have is in otherwise decent shape... perhaps calling in a repair person would be a good alternative... fixing a sturdy refrigerator may be better than buying the cheapest model you can afford in the long run. Just food for thought (pun intended).

I hope that you have a good evening at Stacey's home. While it may not be fully in your comfort zone, it is a very nice gesture you are doing.

How is your tobacco effort going at the moment? Are you still refraining from smoking? Or, have you perhaps gone to cheaper pipe tobacco? Because tobacco is a hobby I enjoy, I do like to hear about how it is going for you.

My opinion about your boss... is to simply be moderate... be a friend, do not accept sexual advances if they are forthcoming, but do not make a fuss about the issue. *If* she does try to be too "friendly" it is likely only a very temporary situation as she is likely despondant over her marriage and circumstances. I would advise being low-key or moderate about any stance you take with her for a spell... to not spoil your work relationship.