Sunday, August 8, 2010

Remind Me Not to Drink Anymore…

    I was weighing the costs and benefits of having a few glasses of wine this morning and I have decided it’s just not worth it – not worth it at all.  I feel like crap after drinking three large glasses of wine last night under Stacey’s strong urgings that I “lighten up”.  “Where are you going?” Stacey just asked me as I crawled out of the bed with a splitting headache early this morning.  “You know me,” I said. “I get up at 3:30am on the dot.  I need some Aleve.” She turned over and went back to sleep. She never seems fazed by what she drinks. I don’t see how she can drink four glasses of wine like she normally does and still function in the morning.  I feel like crap after only three.  It is hard to believe I used to drink a case of beer everyday. How did I ever do that and why? I was in so much pain emotionally, though, after my divorce. My, have I grown soft.   I am just not the drinker I used to be and I certainly don’t like the “out of control” feeling I feel when I drink.  It is a good thing I don’t have to work today as it will take most of the day to recover from my drinking over exertions last night.  I plan on not drinking at all for as long as George has his alcohol monitoring device on his ankle as a show of support.  It will probably be the best thing I ever did for him not to tempt him as not drinking is going to be very hard on George. 

  • Pleadings from George…

    George’s letter yesterday was pitiful and morose. I so want to rescue my friend and get him home so badly.  “You’ve got to get me out of this place!” he wrote me. “These motherf@ckers are nuts!  This place is so dangerous!”  I wrote a long letter back of encouragement that soon he would be out of jail and enjoying all the benefits thereof.  “Hang in there!” I wrote. “We are coming to your parole hearing!  We are getting you out of jail!”  I worry about my friend.  I can’t imagine being incarcerated in such conditions.  It reminds me of the many mental wards I have been locked in over the years.  I am very well versed in being locked up for “abhorrent behavior” mentally.  I was on enough drugs to anesthetize an elephant. 

  • A Picnic to be Remembered…

    Stacey loved her picnic and was so surprised. The only mar on the day was the heat, but it wasn’t nearly as hot as it has been.  I am finding dating to be very taxing, though – the guy is expected to do and plan everything.  I have tried my best to be the stereotypical Southern gentleman.   I think the dogs had the best time, though.  I gambled and let Maggie off her leash and you should have seen her run.  She ran circles around us until she was tired. I have never seen a dog more jubilant to be let free.  We ate our pimento cheese sandwiches and potato chips, and then I fished for awhile in the grand ole Chattahoochee.  I caught two medium sized bass using my favorite lures and filleted them and put them in the freezer for a fish fry at a later date.  I can already taste the French fries, hush puppies, and that fried fish.

  • A Drinking Checkpoint?

    Dad stopped by late yesterday afternoon surly and mean as usual.  He was checking up on me.  My new life is driving him virtually crazy.  “I don’t like that woman drinking in your house – my house!” he told me forcefully as Stacey was sitting on the couch drinking a glass of wine. “It’s none of your f@cking business,” I said brusquely and tersely losing control as I stood in my front yard. “I am tired of you meddling in my life dad!”  He huffily hurried to his car and drove off after saying he had other measures of controlling me and I better watch out.  I told him to do his best.  I am tired of that crap and he better watch out as well.  I am no longer the quiet, complacent, milquetoast Jonathon I used to be.  I can get fighting mad now these days and will not give up easily.  There is no way I am going back to the misery that was my life a few months ago.

  • Should I Cut Off Ties?

    I called dad this morning and told him I didn’t want him coming by the house uninvited – that he would never do that to my brother and sister respecting their privacy. It would be different if he came just to see me and spend time with me, but he is checking up on me like he would do a child.  I have reminded him countless times that I am 38 years old much to his chagrin.  My aunt Pam didn’t speak to her mother or much of the family for four years.  My grandmother was a mean woman known for her terse and biting words.  Pam grew tired of this and just cut off all ties with her.  I wish I could do this with my father, but he still controls so much of my life these days.  Every week, though, I gain more and more control of my life.  One of my last obstacles is to get my disability in my name and I learned today that all it takes is a letter from my doctor stating that I am mentally competent to handle the responsibility.  I will debate over getting her to write this letter for a few weeks – thinking I may be ready for the big plunge.  

29 comments:

Justfly said...

I can only shake my head about your father. I hope he chills out soon.
I am glad Maggie had a good time being free!

Syd said...

The picnic sounds great. Your dad is a piece of work. But he probably isn't even aware of it. He has gotten used to being in control.

Lena said...

I am glad that Stacey was surprised about the picnic and that you both enjoyed it.

I could picture Maggie running free. I used to live on a farm and I loved taking walks up our hill with my dog as she would run wild through the corn fields. They seem to just smile when they can run free.

Your dad probably has never felt so out of control in a very long time.

justLacey said...

I am so amazed at how you are starting to realize things on your own. I used to drink some when I was younger, but after not drinking for so long if I have one drink I feel like crap the next morning. To me it isn't worth it. I think maybe you notice it more now because your medications have been reduced so much. I see you "getting it" more every day and on your own. It really does make me wonder what your dad was up to all that time keeping you so medicated. Stacy may or may not be the right girl for you long term as you evolve, but that is certainly for you to decide, not him. I hope his threats were just empty ones because if he opens up that can of worms he may find out it backfires on him.

Lena said...

PS I love this Paramore song. It gives me the chills.

My son turned me on to Paramore a few years back, but I never heard this song before.

Thank you for sharing!

LDAlvarez said...

Happy to read your picnic was a success. I can picture Maggie running around *FREE* how awesome.

As for your Dad, yikes he sounds like my Mother!

Lisa said...

Your picnic sounds great. Southern food is a little different than what us Yankee's eat.

Yes we women are complicated creatures. If Stacey ever mentions her weight loss again, just try and be supportive. How about that's great honey - you'll be skin and bones before you know it. If she's a big girl like you say she is she might be a wee bit sensitive about it. Hang in there though. And yeah you might want to stop mentioning your ex. I'm divorced too and I don't want to hear about someone's ex all the time.

Sounds like you are making great strides. I hope George gets out soon. I can't imagine what it is like to be in jail.

Thank you for letting me read your blog. I'm honored.

Lisa

Peg McGuire said...

Stand your ground! (And can you talk to another lawyer about having power of attorney with your dad revoked?)

It's Jan! said...

Oh how great it feels to be back in the '4th ave loop' again! Maybe it's the mom in me, but I worried that I was missing some of the mileposts in your life!

I'm happy to see that you are still on the same path, enjoying your relationship with Stacy and working.

I'm so happy to be here as well as find you and your friends here as well!

Peace,
Jan

Cathy said...

I love the symbolism of Maggie running loose and your new found freedom. Just warms my heart.

I am glad that you are realizing that excessive drinking is harmful to you. It is something to watch carefully, as it is a trap easily fallen into. Most enjoyable to have a glass once in awhile, but quickly becomes dangerous beyond that.

Oh, and how is it going with the diet cokes too? It seems that would be a hard thing to break with all your other chemicals changing at the same time.

Take care. Be strong. You are on the right road to a joyful life.

Debbie said...

I applaud you for standing up to your father! IMHO I think not drinking is a better choice for you too. You are doing wonderfully without it!

glittermom said...

Dont let anyone talk you into drinking...If you want a drink, fine but dont do it to please anyone..Your dad scares me as I said before..Is there actually anything he can do to you? Stay strong..

Mary K said...

Oh, the picnic sounds like such fun! B. and I used to go all over the place at the dam and on the trails and just have a ball. The heat is a pain right now, but somehow it's easier to take with the river rushing by and underneath the trees. Sounds like Maggie had a blast, too.

Your dad is grasping at straws to keep you under his control. I wonder why he wants it so badly? Seems to me seeing you start to function normally would be something he could be proud of and would support you in. Maybe he needs some therapy of his own.

Berryvox said...

I'm sure your new life terrifies your father but you're totally right to assert yourself!

sandra said...

I feel just like you do this morning. I had 4 glasses of wine last night with a friend, and today it feels like that was a very very bad idea. I think its going to be iced tea for me next time. To quote one of favorite Canadian poets-Leonard Cohen..I ache in the places where I used to play. LOL
Your Dad seems to be losing more and more rational thought the more together you get. Continue asserting yourself, and perhaps seeing a legal aid lawyer would be a good idea just in case. You dont have to act on the advice you get, but at least you will know what your options are.
Many Hugs to Maggie

Peg McGuire said...

Wow, Jonathon, you're my new hero...

Golden To Silver Val said...

Your blog is like a fine novel about rebirth...much like the morphing of a butterfly. You're beginning to emerge....beautiful and confident, ready to spread your wings. Every entry I read, I find myself smiling at your accomplishments. I just don't quite understand why your father is fighting this so much...I am truly praying that he will begin to work WITH you so you can enjoy your life to its fullest. For several years now I have wondered why he kept you and your mother so doped up. Maybe he just didn't realize what a prison he has made for both of you. I feel sorry for your mom too and I hope that with your help, she may also break away from the fog she's been living in because of the meds. You have the support of your many devoted readers, Jonathon....and I know you're going to do well and meet your goals...just take it easy...one small step at a time and keep focused. Women aren't so complicated...just remember to give her lots of attention and compliments (but not phony ones) and never ever bring up ex wives or lovers. LOL.

glittermom said...

I would wait a few weeks before bringing it up to your dr...that way she will get to know you better and see that you are doing well..you might want to mention the threats you are getting from him also..
I hope George does come home soon..I know you miss your friend and its good to have some male companionship along with a girlfriend..

This IS The Fun Part! said...

One ugly question . . can he kick you out of that house?

If you get responsibility for your money and cut ties with dad, can he take the house away from you? That would be a huge expense that you need to check in to. Of course you might be able to rent the house next door from Charlie!

It would certainly be a shame for your dad to take things that far, but if he continues to create these problems, it may be the only option, sadly.

Will be thinking of you, dear.
Grannie

Cathy said...

I've been thinking about your final question regarding your father. I think that this is the time to show your maturity. Reach out, call him and give him examples of how you are taking care of yourself. Ask about him for a change. Deal with him as a responsible adult and the balance of power will shift in your favor. Be helpful to your mom. She needs your support too. Don't cut yourself off from your family--make them your allies. Stay strong.

C.A. said...

I thought the same thing as Grannie mentioned...can your Father try to take your home away? I pray not. I think it sad that he's resorted to threats in order to control you. I have never been able to understand why anyone would want to control another anyway.

The picnic sounds sublime, and I bet Maggie had a ball.

It was not long ago you sat each night and had two 40 Ounce Steel Reserves...the Sunset Brews. Look how far you've come! I think I speak for many readers when I say that we are very proud of you.

Hugs....

C.A.

Tokyo Biker Mommy said...

Maybe your father is going through "control over Andrew" withdrawal and he just needs more time to readjust. ;-)

Tee said...

I must say ditto to Cathy's comment. Take the first step, call you dad. Tell him you are doing so well these days and why is he so upset over your progress. You might want to add you need for him to respect you as much as he respects your brother and sister and perhaps he needs to take a chill pill. He has no reservations giving you and your mom all those pills. Grannie raised a very good question, could he kick you out of your home? He probably could, but would he? Talk to you mom as well, she might be able to influence your dad. Maybe.

Beth said...

I think your father's life has not been especially happy. And as I've said many times, he operates out of fear. I understand that. Especially as we near retirement, we desire less drama, more calm. And if his mother was mean, he may not have had much of an example in how to be anything other than controlling.

Regarding the counseling: if the first therapist doesn't click, you need to keep trying. There are low-cost, sliding scale options out there. And your disability should be used to pay for it if insurance won't.

Your therapist should be your advocate, which doesn't necessarily mean agreeing with everything you say, but helping you to examine who you are, what you want.

Therapy is a safe, non-judgmental place to put your feelings about your father, your girlfriend, your anxiety, your illness, your drinking, etc. A good therapist will help you to cope with the rapid changes you have made in your life and the anxieties you have (and may always have). Do not give up or deem it unnecessary. If you truly want to make lasting, positive changes, a therapist will help you do so.

My two cents.

Beth

pattycakes said...

this would make a stronger man crumble, you are handling everything so well i know u will do whats best . as for your gf i think u may have to tell her you dont want to drink a lot , i dont know if yu want to tell her of your past with your troub with beer and stuff , she might back off a lil if she knew , but from past experience with an person that didnt want me around when he was drinkin i know a drinker always wants a bf or gf to be a drinker too so beware . ( my opinion) :)

themuttonfish said...

Have you considered writing your father a letter? You have such a gift for writing...it might help him to have some quiet time to sit and read a heartfelt letter from you, where you explain how his lack of confidence in you affects you, and how hurt you are by his actions.

I think he's so terrified of losing control over you that he doesn't want to see the progress you've made.

Hopefully he will come to see that losing control over you isn't the same thing as losing you.

I continue to be awed by your progress. You are doing so very well.

Melanie

themuttonfish said...
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Sharyna said...

I've never mentioned it but Dad sounds a lot like my mother! I know he loves you but what if he goes nuts? Are you banning Stacey from drinking because you're afraid of Dad? Things to think about...I can see Mags running free! What a cutie!

amelia said...

Is it really his house? Can he make you leave if it is? That would be awful but I doubt he'd do it because of your mum and Charlie. They wouldn't be too happy with him if he did.

I'm very grateful that you have allowed me to be part of your blog family. I've been reading for years now!!