Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Random Thoughts on a Grand Day…

  • The Gestapo for the Disabled…

    I am soon off to deal with Social Security.  I feel like the Jews did when dealing with the Gestapo during the second world war.  The security guard will eye you warily as you walk in telling you to take a number.  You sit down and wait for up to an hour.  Then you are called to sit in a little booth with heavy plate glass separating you from the person you are talking to.  Of course, you have to show two forms of identification – your social security card and a valid picture ID.  I keep expected them to soon tattoo serial numbers on our shoulders to show at every visit.  It is a nerve wracking experience for me that I don’t relish – causing me lots of anxiety.  What will they do to me next?  Half my income is in the hands of some surly lady sitting across from me and what she enters into her computer.  I will be glad when I am totally off disability and able to support myself fully.  If you can work, then do so as disability is just not worth the hassle for the pittance they pay you every month. 

  • To Be Used in Emergencies Only…

    Last night, I forewent my Klonopin.  I worried extensively about withdrawal, but so far I feel fine. I also worried about not being able to sleep, but I have been sleeping like a baby. The main anxiety I am experiencing these days is dealing with my father – work going fine like clockwork these days.  I decided yesterday to finally say, “To hell with it!” as far as my father is concerned.  If he just doesn’t like me anymore then so be it.  I am growing increasingly more hardened as far as how I feel about what he thinks of me.   Mom has also been acting funny to me lately which disturbs me the most – dad no doubt filling her with propaganda about how messed up my life is these days.  Strange women drinking at my house.   Not taking all my medications I took for years.  Working a menial job that I shouldn’t be working at all.  Mom can be so scary thinking I am going to ruin my life and be a burden on them for the rest of my existence.  She has been very wary of me lately as if I have some extremely contagious disease not to be caught. 

  • A Caffeine Free Existence…

    I quit getting my diet Cokes everyday and this also sent mom into a stir. She has called me several times worried about the withdrawal as she drinks a lot of diet soda and knows the withdrawal headaches well when you go a few days without them.  I finally decided that for me to work full time on less medications, I was going to have to be very careful about my health – that all that soda and caffeine was not conducive to fighting the anxiety I experience.  I would compulsively drink six Cokes within an hour every early morning imbibing tons of caffeine – up to 300mg every morning.  It would always make me feel jittery and hopped up, but like a junky on heroin, I would continue to imbibe needing my daily fix.  I am so relieved to report that I haven’t had any serious withdrawal issues yet and I am keeping my finger’s crossed. 

  • Mom Always Delivers…

    Mom brought my groceries yesterday.  She was very early in the day bringing them.  I got exactly the same things she brought last week except she forgot my bananas I so love and she got me diet Sprite instead of caffeinated diet Coke.  “Do you want me to go back to Kroger to get them?” she asked taking it so seriously. “No,” I replied. “You have done enough.  I can go buy some tomorrow or this afternoon.”  Mom keeps forgetting I have money now and can just run to the store when I need something.  It is going to take awhile for her to adjust to my new life.  

  • More Twitter Idiosyncrasies…

    I just adore this one lady named Nikki on Twitter.  She tells it exactly as she sees it, but her foul language can be disconcerting.  I have never heard a woman curse so much since I dated Rosa.  Yesterday she wrote, “My kids are little SHITS! I fucking HATE them!” I couldn’t help but laugh as it was so random and off the wall.  I am sure a few mothers have also felt this same way from time to time over the years, but they would never dare say it so publicly and openly.   I also love all the New Zealanders on Twitter.  Every afternoon about four or five they wake up for the morning and begin tweeting – talking of frost on their grass as it is winter down south and beautiful sunrises near the beaches.  This just fascinates me being able to read about people’s lives in the Southern Hemisphere in such a beautiful country.  Sadly, they are terribly Americanized as far as the products they use and the entertainment the imbibe.  Their recent iPhone4 release was aggravating to watch and read as they went nuts.  We are truly one world government as far as when corporations are concerned, and I do believe corporations pretty much rule the world.  I also realized 4square is a stalker’s wet dream.  You get to know exactly where your obsession is at certain moments.  Just think of how nice it would be for them to be able to kidnap the “mayor” of McDonald’s on 4th Street. lol My stalkers would have had a field day with me.

  • A Busy Afternoon Ahead…

    I have four lawns to mow this afternoon.  It should take quite a few hours and you know what?  I look forward to being busy again.  I sat at home for years with nothing to do, but watch TV and browse the Internet.  I want my afternoons to be filled with fruitful things to do – bettering myself and my life.  I also have an iPad to save up for and that is now more of a reality than ever with the resumption of my lawn care business. hehe  Ah, my precious. I want more gadgets. lol

17 comments:

Cin said...

Hi Jonathon!
Thank you for the invite! I appreciate it! I take Klonopin for attacks too. But I only take it when they happen. It is a low dose, so sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I think it is so cool that you started your own lawn mowing business! I hope you continue to get more and more customers! :)If you do get an iPad, please let us know how it works!! :)

Beth said...

Please rethink the Jew-Gestapo analogy. While I understand your apprehension, remember that their encounters ended in inhumane death or concentration camps. It is not even close to the same.

Please also remember that disability is what has allowed you to be safe, under treatment, and even to be able to resume working and a more normal life. It buys your groceries. It can be a lifeline, the true difference between being okay and sheltered and being homeless for so many, even if it is a 'pittance.' I pray that my daughter will be able to get it with her schizophrenia.

Your parents are waiting for the other shoe to drop, especially dad. He doesn't trust that you're managing without his help, and after eight years of him doing that -- and yes, controlling you more than he should have -- but it will just take time and continuing successes, Jonathon; "Track," as one therapist used to put it.

Congratulations on kicking the caffeine habit without withdrawal, and also cutting the Klonopin. As you well know, addictive substances are very hard to let go because of that rush. One day at a time...for it all. That's all we ever have.

Beth

Jonathon said...

Beth, I figured that was a poor analogy to use. I am just extremely afraid of Social Security. It feels oppressive. They control so much of my life in their hands. I agree that it has greatly helped me lately -- especially the nine month trial work period. It is giving me nine months to wean off being on assistance. Sorry if I offended anyone by my analogy. I was wondering why I got so few comments on this post over several hours.

Jonathon Andrew

pattycakes said...

it didnt offend me as i know u meant nothing by it . sometimes people get so excited over almost any words you use . no wonder you wanted to go private lol i wouldnt be able to stand the critics . but you are doing so great its amazing and your parents are still in shock probably . you r mom is so used to seeing you much differently and doesnt know how to computer your actions. give them time and keep on talking calmly as much as you can . havea nice cool day

Berryvox said...

I've thought the same thing about Foursquare. I'll only type in my locations as I'm leaving or after I've left. Though stalkers really don't worry me.

PipeTobacco said...

Sir:

As you go about your business today, try to think about and keep in mind all the various contingencies... a) are you sure you will *want* to forgo your SSDI income if you continue with your lawncare work, b) would you perhaps feel better keeping your earnings from WalMart and lawncare below that maximum you are allowed just as a safety net in case (for example, if the lawncare jobs dry up during the winter (I really do not know how it goes in the South)), c) would you be adversely affected and experience hardship during those months where the lawncare income is missing, and d) as you debate the various options, are there other non-income based hobbies, activities, or pursuits (art, music, writing, whatever) that you may really wish to pursue that keeping your income below the maximum would help you have time for?

The only reason I am suggesting thinking about these possibilities is that right now you are in a situation with endless possibilities... if you choose one path initially it may make other aspects you may also like to incorporate into your new life more challenging. With the new lifestyle being still something you are getting used to in the "day-to-day" aspects, it could be a good idea to simply stay the course (keep an income below the maximum allowed to keep SSDI) until you have lived your new life a few months. It is always available to you to pursue once you are certain you evaluate all your options.

Again, you will make wise decisions, my ideas here are simply advice that I see that may keep your options as open as possible while you figure out more about what you wish in all aspects of your life.

Your friend,

PipeTobacco
http://frumpyprofessor.blogspot.com

luvulongtime said...

Thanks for the add. I hadn't checked your site in awhile and panicked when it was locked. You're doing so well and it's nice to read about it.
Question about Paxil since you are weight conscious. Have you found that you've gained weight while taking it? I heard it has a side effect of weight gain.

skinny minny said...

I tend to agree with Pipe Tobacco, having worked in the plant nursery business I know that not only do the winter mointhes affect the lawn care industry but also things like drought or too much rain and then theres the economy...I have been thinking also about starting my own business and know that making sure I can make it through the lean times it paramount to sucess. So that said having your ssdi still coming in and not being used but saved ( and getting it to where you have access to it) and then when you have saved up enough to go it alone if the lawn care dries up for a bit would seem a good thing to me. you are doing so well making sooo many changes be honesty with Social security but remember not all your lawn care income is Income you have expenses to take out ( gas, equipment maintainance and repairs and improvements to name a few)

Lena said...

I think it is cool that your dad respected your request that he needed to call ahead to visit and that you allowed him to come over"to see Maggie."

Lots more comments since u went private, I enjoy reading them.

Justfly said...

I hope your visit with Social Security went well.

LDAlvarez said...

I'm a Jew and your comment didn't offend me. I know you didn't mean any harm.
Good luck today!

Tee said...

Pipe is right keep your options open as lawn care is very seasonal. I realize in the south the season is longer than if you were above the Mason Dixon line. Just keep your options. You are doing so well.

Mary K said...

Yah, considering all the "wonderful" things I've been hearing about foursquare I think I'll pass on it.

themuttonfish said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
themuttonfish said...

My grandparents lost siblings in the camps, and I wasn't offended by your comment. Political correctness can be taken too far, and if a writer worries about saying this or saying that because it might offend someone, the next thing you know it's as interesting as cardboard.

I don't think we should call someone out for their choice of words in their own blog. It is, after all, their blog, not ours. If we are offended, we can simply stop reading.

justLacey said...

Some good ideas to think about from Pipe. Mull them over a little and see what you come up with.
It hurts my heart that your mom is avoiding you. I am sure your continued success makes her take a look at her own circumstances. She probably wonders if things could be different for her too, but is wary of your fathers harsh words. All things in time. Your continued success will put them more at ease. I suspect you and your father are very different in some ways and there are just things that you will choose for your life that he will never understand and that is ok too. Eventually your skin will toughen up and it won't bother you as much.

Syd said...

Detach if you can from your dad but do it in a loving way. He and your mother mean well. They are just conditioned to think of you in a certain way. It will take time for them to get used to a more independent son.