On the Relationship Front…
I am finding Stacey so sensitive and emotional. I’m not sure if this is bipolar related or not. I worry about everything I say or do – worrying I will hurt her feelings or make her mad at me. Women are such very, very complicated and emotional creatures. I am so laid back that most things just slide off my back. Last night, Stacey and I were laying in bed and she said, “I have lost five pounds since I started dieting!” “That’s incredibly nice,” I replied reading my book as I lay next to her. “That’s all I get – an incredibly nice?” she asked – her feelings hurt. I sighed and rolled over and went to sleep putting my book away. I awoke later in the night and she was still browsing with her laptop. We have a good relationship, but all is not perfect in Stacey’s and Jonathon’s world. The lines of communication need some working on.
Docsis 3.0 for Knology…
I got an email back from Knology support that vaguely and basically said they would roll out Docsis 3.0 soon. I was hoping for a more definite answer. I can’t wait to be able to upload at 5mb per second and download at 50mb per second. That is almost too good to be true and it probably is. They will probably cap it some way or charge an exorbitant amount for the service. I will pay through the nose, though – always wanting to be on the cutting edge.
A Letter to George This Morning…
- Hey Dear Friend,
Things are going well so far. I still have some anxiety, but I am working through it. I think it is medication related. I have come to the conclusion that I am not mentally ill as everyone in my family continues to tell me. I am still working at Walmart just like you did all that time. You would be so proud of me. I have really been standing up to dad and asserting myself. You said for years I was a pussy when it concerned him, but no more! I am a fightin’ son of a bitch these days! I am determined not to let that crazy man get control of my life again! I am finding that I don’t like my father much as a person for what he did to my mother and I for years. He basically got to live his life unfettered while my mother and I suffered in quiet acquiescence.
Stacey and I are still going well. The sex is great – very great. You are right that larger women make better lovers. I worried so much at first that I wouldn’t be able to perform after not having sex for years, but it’s like riding a bike – you fall off and get right back on and start peddling again. She is the most emotional woman I have ever encountered, though – very sensitive. I have to be careful of what I say or how I react. She gets so mad when I talk of my ex-wife or compare them to each other. They have a lot of similarities much to her chagrin. I now believe Rachel was bipolar as well as you know Stacey is. Rachel was abusive, though, and Stacey is not. She has a very nice kind streak in her if I can just watch what I say! hehe
Your mother brought fresh baked cinnamon buns the other night. I thought of you and how much you would have wished to be with us in my den. They were delicious and still warm from the oven. Your mother drove to my house after dark, though, and it worried us all. She’s already had a few close calls and accidents. She’s gotten to where she can’t see to drive very well. I don’t want her to have more. Monte has been carrying her to church and to the grocery store every few days. She gets lonely without you. We talk on the phone almost everyday as I am sure she has written you.
We are all coming to your parole hearing, Even your ornery aunt is coming. Your mother is rallying the troops. We will be there on the 9th of next month for sure. I can’t wait for you to get home. I have so much I want to show you and tell you that I just can’t convey in a simple letter in the mail. I miss you dear friend.
Well, I’ve got to get ready for work. I will write again tomorrow. Your friend, Jonathon Andrew
- Hey Dear Friend,
Plans for Our Saturday…
Stacey only has to work a half day today and wants us to do something special and interesting for our weekend. She told me to surprise her today. I plan on making some homemade pimento cheese (Helen’s recipe) for sandwiches and snacks and us having a picnic out at the park by the dam on West Point Lake just us and the dogs. I want to do a little fishing out there as well. I have to run by the hardware and outdoors shop this morning and get an updated fishing license. I haven’t been fishing in what seems like years and I love to do it.
MP3 of the Day Update!
I added a download link for the MP3s in case the embedded player doesn’t work. Just right click on the link and select “Save Target As…” and then you should be able to download the MP3 for your collection. I hope you enjoy each day’s selection of music as I am enjoying sharing them!
Mental Illness Update…
For years, I thought I was truly schizophrenic. My father drilled it into my head and so did all the countless doctors I had over the years – following what each previous doctor would diagnose. Now, I realized I was just extremely over medicated through my father’s devices and chemically dependent. When you are drinking 24 beers a day in intense emotional pain then you are most likely going to experience some psychosis. It is freeing to know you don’t have something majorly wrong with your brain and all the stigma that is attached with mental illness. I no longer have those episodes where I think I hear car doors shutting and someone knocking on the door constantly. That has passed as my social anxieties have eased up and the Paxil has started to work – no doubt from the incredible increase in my self esteem as well. I find myself self assured in social situations these days – so proud of myself and my recent accomplishments. I know I am just the “cart guy” at Walmart, but I would bet I am the best damn one in the South!
I can really feel the reduction in my Klonopin lately. Especially in the mornings when I would still have a high dosage in my bloodstream from the 2mg I would take before bed. I realize I am feeling withdrawal as I took them for years and benzodiazepines are so addictive and habit forming. I shed a few tears in the shower this morning feeling that anxiety welling up – dreading going to work with that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I know I just have work through this and hope for the best. It is going to take a few weeks to get over the withdrawals. I just don’t want to go back to the hell that was my life a few months ago. Those severe anxiety attacks are the scariest thing I have ever encountered – scarier than homelessness or death.