Saturday, August 7, 2010

On the Anxiety Front…

    I can really feel the reduction in my Klonopin lately.  Especially in the mornings when I would still have a high dosage in my bloodstream from the 2mg I would take before bed.  I realize I am feeling withdrawal as I took them for years and benzodiazepines are so addictive and habit forming.   I shed a few tears in the shower this morning feeling that anxiety welling up – dreading going to work with that feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I know I just have work through this and hope for the best.  It is going to take a few weeks to get over the withdrawals.  I just don’t want to go back to the hell that was my life a few months ago.  Those severe anxiety attacks are the scariest thing I have ever encountered – scarier than homelessness or death.

  • On the Relationship Front…

    I am finding Stacey so sensitive and emotional.  I’m not sure if this is bipolar related or not.  I worry about everything I say or do – worrying I will hurt her feelings or make her mad at me.  Women are such very, very complicated and emotional creatures.  I am so laid back that most things just slide off my back.  Last night, Stacey and I were laying in bed and she said, “I have lost five pounds since I started dieting!” “That’s incredibly nice,” I replied reading my book as I lay next to her. “That’s all I get – an incredibly nice?” she asked – her feelings hurt.  I sighed and rolled over and went to sleep putting my book away.  I awoke later in the night and she was still browsing with her laptop.  We have a good relationship, but all is not perfect in Stacey’s and Jonathon’s world.  The lines of communication need some working on.

  • Docsis 3.0 for Knology…

    I got an email back from Knology support that vaguely and basically said they would roll out Docsis 3.0 soon.  I was hoping for a more definite answer.  I can’t wait to be able to upload at 5mb per second and download at 50mb per second.  That is almost too good to be true and it probably is.  They will probably cap it some way or charge an exorbitant amount for the service.  I will pay through the nose, though – always wanting to be on the cutting edge.

  • A Letter to George This Morning…

    • Hey Dear Friend,

      Things are going well so far.  I still have some anxiety, but I am working through it.  I think it is medication related.  I have come to the conclusion that I am not mentally ill as everyone in my family continues to tell me.  I am still working at Walmart just like you did all that time.  You would be so proud of me.  I have really been standing up to dad and asserting myself.  You said for years I was a pussy when it concerned him, but no more!  I am a fightin’ son of a bitch these days!  I am determined not to let that crazy man get control of my life again!  I am finding that I don’t like my father much as a person for what he did to my mother and I for years.  He basically got to live his life unfettered while my mother and I suffered in quiet acquiescence. 

      Stacey and I are still going well.  The sex is great – very great. You are right that larger women make better lovers. I worried so much at first that I wouldn’t be able to perform after not having sex for years, but it’s like riding a bike – you fall off and get right back on and start peddling again.  She is the most emotional woman I have ever encountered, though – very sensitive.  I have to be careful of what I say or how I react.   She gets so mad when I talk of my ex-wife or compare them to each other.  They have a lot of similarities much to her chagrin.  I now believe Rachel was bipolar as well as you know Stacey is.  Rachel was abusive, though, and Stacey is not.  She has a very nice kind streak in her if I can just watch what I say! hehe

      Your mother brought fresh baked cinnamon buns the other night.  I thought of you and how much you would have wished to be with us in my den.  They were delicious and still warm from the oven.  Your mother drove to my house after dark, though, and it worried us all.  She’s already had a few close calls and accidents.  She’s gotten to where she can’t see to drive very well.  I don’t want her to have more.  Monte has been carrying her to church and to the grocery store every few days.  She gets lonely without you.  We talk on the phone almost everyday as I am sure she has written you.

      We are all coming to your parole hearing,  Even your ornery aunt is coming.  Your mother is rallying the troops.  We will be there on the 9th of next month for sure.  I can’t wait for you to get home.  I have so much I want to show you and tell you that I just can’t convey in a simple letter in the mail.  I miss you dear friend.

      Well, I’ve got to get ready for work.  I will write again tomorrow. Your friend, Jonathon Andrew

  • Plans for Our Saturday…

    Stacey only has to work a half day today and wants us to do something special and interesting for our weekend. She told me to surprise her today. I plan on making some homemade pimento cheese (Helen’s recipe) for sandwiches and snacks and us having a picnic out at the park by the dam on West Point Lake just us and the dogs.  I want to do a little fishing out there as well.  I have to run by the hardware and outdoors shop this morning and get an updated fishing license.  I haven’t been fishing in what seems like years and I love to do it.    

  • MP3 of the Day Update!

    I added a download link for the MP3s in case the embedded player doesn’t work.  Just right click on the link and select “Save Target As…” and then you should be able to download the MP3 for your collection.  I hope you enjoy each day’s selection of music as I am enjoying sharing them!

  • Mental Illness Update…

    For years, I thought I was truly schizophrenic.  My father drilled it into my head and so did all the countless doctors I had over the years – following what each previous doctor would diagnose.  Now, I realized I was just extremely over medicated through my father’s devices and chemically dependent. When you are drinking 24 beers a day in intense emotional pain then you are most likely going to experience some psychosis.  It is freeing to know you don’t have something majorly wrong with your brain and all the stigma that is attached with mental illness.  I no longer have those episodes where I think I hear car doors shutting and someone knocking on the door constantly.  That has passed as my social anxieties have eased up and the Paxil has started to work – no doubt from the incredible increase in my self esteem as well.  I find myself self assured in social situations these days – so proud of myself and my recent accomplishments.  I know I am just the “cart guy” at Walmart, but I would bet I am the best damn one in the South! 


justLacey said...

I truly believe from my own experience that if you let the anxiety pass on it's own, you will get less and less attacks. I know this is hard because the feelings are overwhelming. For me, I was younger and the meds didn't work so I had to learn to cope. I tried to find something to distract my thoughts and eventually that would work. The fact that I knew they would pass caused me less and less anxiety and eventually I stopped having them at all except in extreme times of stress. Over the years even that stopped. I believe you can do it, you just have to believe it yourself.
As for Stacey part of it might be girl stuff part of it is probably the bipolar. Talk to her about it instead of shoving it under the rug when it happens. When she said that's all I get, you should have responded that you think she is beautiful just as she is... because you do.

Tee said...

You might want to call you doctor and let her know about the anxiety attacks. Lacey has an excellent point, you know the attacks will pass and you learn to deal with them.

I just laughed when you said women are complicated, yes we are. LOL. Our emotions are all over the place each month, so take that into consideration. You have to continue to communication, just don't ignore it or shove it under the rug to repeat what Lacey said. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Next time she points out she has lost weight tell her you are so proud of her (it's hard to lost weight, experience talking here), but you think she is beautiful just the way she is now. Tell her she looks like she has lost weight. That will earn you a lot of points. FYI: NOTHING make me more furious than for my husband to ignore what I'm saying when it appears we are having a conversation.

Don't put yourself down for "just being the cart guy". You are so right you are the best one in the south. As I've stated before I hate it when all those buggies (that's southern for carts ya'll) are scattered all over the parking lot and especially when they are in a parking slot. I've been known to get out of the car and move them so I could park close to the door. That's why your supervisor likes you so much. You are doing your job, you are on time, you show up to work every day and you make her look good. It's difficult to find good employees like you.

C.A. said...

Listen to you basically living a "normal" life! HALLELUJAH! Don't be fooled....ALL of us experience anxiety regularly. I've had my own times of crying in the shower myself. Be gentle on yourself, friend. :) You are doing amazingly well.

I will be gut-wrenchingly honest here and tell you that, as a nurse, I've always had the sense you were vastly over medicated, and it made me sad. It pains me that your Father still tries, even through bribery, to lead you back to that place. I think if you keep doing what you're doing, in time, hopefully he'll see how much more quality your life has WITHOUT all that medication.

As far as Stacey, we girls are different creatures than you dudes. Estrogen works it magic on us the same way Testosterone does on you guys. From the sound of things, you and Stacey are pretty normal. Your relationship is still very new. :)

Speaking as a semi-curvy gal, losing five pounds can be very challenging. Sometimes "Wow, I'm really proud of you!" goes a looooong way! I know you, yourself, have both gained and lost weight, but maybe it's more of a struggle for her just to shed the five. Food can be an addiction too, as you know, and eating in moderation can lead those of us who love the stuff Jonesing like an skid row bum for a shot of cheat whiskey.

I do believe this is the longest comment I have ever written, and I'll close with telling you I am proud of you and what you've accomplished!


Summer said...

Could you post the pimento cheese recipe pretty please?

This IS The Fun Part! said...

Good morning dear!

I'm too tired to even be typing this morning - but wanted to reassure you on the anxiety problem. Because it is so painful, you worry about having an attack - which causes anxiety - which causes more worry - which causes more anxiety - which goes on forever! Half the problem isn't in actually HAVING anxiety - it's WORRYING about having anxiety.

You're doing so very well - stay strong - You've been able to defeat so many of the problems this far. The rest won't be so bad!

Walk proud, my friend!


Lena said...

I hate anxiety. I have had to struggle with it over the years. The heart palpitations are so scary.

I have learned that for me, it helps to sit up straight and just take some deep breaths. Sometimes I am amazed how quickly the anxiety goes away.

I guess it is frustrating to deal with Stacey when she is demanding a certain reaction and u don't know what that should be.

Relationships sure keep us all on our toes!

glittermom said...

some of us girls are more sensitive and emotional then others. It just takes patience and understanding to put up with us..Takes a special guy and I think you might be able to handle it.

Mary K said...

LOL! Yes, we ladies can be complicated. Just a small word of advice - don't talk to much about Rachel to Stacey or compare them. In her mind Stacey is going to feel like she compares poorly because you and Rachel were married.
And yeah, I think Rachel is bi-polar, too. She dated a friend of ours for years and basically told me once that she wished we would get out of his life so she could have him all to herself. She wanted to control every aspect of his life. And the sad thing was he was totally in love with her but had to separate himself from her because she was eating him alive.
Have fun at the dam today. That is one of the few things I miss about living there. We don't have any kind of real natural recreation area like that down here. Take pictures! :D

Sharon said...

One of the wisest things my Dad ever said to us was that no matter what we did for a living, whether it was to be a garbage collector or a ditch digger, we should always strive to do the best we can. So, keep being the best darn "cart guy" you can be - it's something to be proud of.

Peg McGuire said...

Learn and repeat these phrases every day:

-- Wow. You look great.

-- I think you're beautiful.

-- Have you lost more weight?

Repeat these to her every day, multiple times.

Andrew, you may not be schizophrenic. You may not be anything but normal. But please please please don't disregard the thought that you may have a mild illness that can be managed with medication and lifestyle. I'm so happy that you have your own doctor and that you moved your prescriptions. You're doing exactly what is necessary and that's taken a lot of courage and maturity. (Whoo! Hoo!)

I know you keep talking about being med free next year. That's a huge goal (and one I hope you hit). My hope is that you won't kick yourself come next year when you find yourself on some kind of med to help manage the illness. (Maybe re-word your goal to be "living independently and managing a normal life." Lots of people manage normal lives on an anti-depressant or other types of meds.

Have a good week. Be happy. You deserve all the joy and happiness in the world.

kristi said...

I think Stacie and I are a lot alike and my husband sometimes thinks without speaking..LOL. A picnic sounds very nice!

Syd said...

Walking on eggshells isn't much fun. Stacey may be really insecure. It might help to not compare women. Also, having some good conversations when she gets huffy might help. I am so aware of control and manipulation since being in Al-Anon. Good luck. Relationships take work and lots of give and take.