Thursday, August 5, 2010

The Lowest of the Low…

    Bottom of the Food Chain…

  • When it comes to my job at Walmart, I am second to last only to the crew that cleans the floors at night as far as the chain of command is concerned.  I am the lowest of the low on the Walmart food chain and you know what?  I love my job!  My biggest stress is deciding when to smoke or if I waited long enough to have another smoke.  It’s all about the smoking for me as far as stress is concerned – the smoking calming any anxiety I am feeling.  I am so helplessly and shamefully addicted to nicotine and have been since I was 16 years old. When I was a young man the age to legally buy cigarettes was 16 in Georgia.  I would drive across the river into Georgia in high school to buy me a pack of Marlboro Reds. Times sure have changed.  I started smoking to impress this girl named Denise Abner that I had fallen in love with helplessly.  I thought I looked cool – just another dumb teenager.  

    No More diet Cokes…

  • I decided this morning to no longer drink caffeine – that anxiety welling up again.  It was a very, very hard decision to make. I was scared to drink them today. I am going to have to be so careful with my Klonopin now cut down to .5mg a day from 2mg. I could really, really feel the lack of those medications.  I had a little anxiety getting ready for work this morning and it was very disconcerting. My heart started to pound in my chest as I was blow drying my hair after my shower. I have grown to be so spoiled by the lack of anxiety in my life these days so any anxiety scares the shit outta me.  I will call mom and ask her to call Judy at the pharmacy and order me cases of diet Sprites as they don’t have caffeine.  There are six diet Cokes sitting out on the porch for me right now in the dark and mom is just going to freak out when she walks outside this morning to let the cat out and I didn’t get my Cokes.  She is going to think something bad is wrong with me.  My main worry is withdrawal headaches.  Better get some Alleve and Tylenol at work this morning to get ready.

    That Scary Drive…

  • Mrs. Florene surprised us last night by driving over to my house to bring me fresh baked cinnamon buns. They were still warm in their Tupperware container.  She shouldn't be driving at night let alone at all. It scares me when she drives and I worry about her.  Monte, her nephew, has been driving her to church on Sunday and to get her groceries and that has helped to keep her off the road. Maggie was thrilled to see her, though, and so was Stacey.  Maggie doesn’t get to see her often and put on a show of jubilation really lavishing her with affection.  We all sat in the den and talked for a good hour last night. 

    Our Routines…

  • I am learning that Stacey has a very addictive personality like me.  We are both addicted to the Internet and many other things.  Most evenings now find me cooking us a good supper and then us browsing the Web with our laptops on my bed with my fast wireless N connection for hours.  Stacey loves to window shop online – loving jewelry, crafts, and clothes.  I love Twitter and reading blogs.  We both really need to get a life! lol  I also worry about her drinking, but she drinks nothing compared to how I used to drink in those days I hung out with George and the gang down at the Piggly Wiggly.  She enjoys several glasses of wine every night after work.  It will often make her very amorous much to my benefit on about the third or fourth glass.  We also both smoke like fiends as we go about our nightly ritual of browsing – my ashtray soon needing emptying after an hour or two of laying on the bed with our laptops. 

    A Book for Girls Loved by a Guy…

  • Stacey finds it amusing that I am hooked on the Twilight Saga series of books.  I am already on New Moon after voraciously reading Twilight.  “You know those books are geared towards teenage girls,” Stacey told me last night ribbing me. I laughed, but it was true. “Oh, you just have to read about Isabella and Edward!” I exclaimed. I do love the romance between Isabella and that emo vampire, Edward.  The books are real page turners for me – the first time since I read The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings

    Blog Reader Slots…

  • I only have a few more slots left open for stragglers and I will have reached my 100 reader limit set by Blogger for a password protected blog.   That kinda sucks because there are several people that I found sorta iffy about their origins that I had to remove to make room for a few new people I wanted to join.  I don’t think I will go back to a public blog, though.  I am feeling much less stress as a blogger knowing that the people that are reading truly care about me and want only what is best for me. I had some real nutcases reading me for awhile there. I also have tons less anxiety about comments.  I am now checking them regularly again.  This is going to be nice for a change!  What drew you to my blog?  And what makes it readable?  I find much of what I write about to be mundane and boring to me and am mystified that people want to read this stuff.   

24 comments:

justLacey said...

I found your blog by accident through someone I used to read. I think your life is interesting because you tell what it is like to live with mental illness on a daily basis. I also like some of your regular commenters. I think you get an interesting mix of advice. It was well worth reading all this time to see how far you have come. A couple of times I thought we might lose you, but you hung in there and we did too.

Stephanie Levin said...

ditto. Sometimes the most interesting stories to me are the every day lives of other people because it's so different than my life.

LM said...

justLacey said it perfectly. I, too, stumbled upon your blog and kept coming back because of how sincere you are. I found Pioneer Woman through YOUR blog. It makes me so happy to read how well you are doing, Jonathon!

Would it help to have only one diet Coke today to help with the weaning process??

Amy said...

I enjoy your descriptive writing style and honesty. Plus, I love how much you love Maggie!

themuttonfish said...

My brother struggles with mental illness; I found you searching for blogs dealing with mental illness so that I could better understand what he goes through on a day-to-day basis. You have really helped me in that regard, more than you could possibly realize.

Sharon said...

I also found your blog by accident and found your writing style wonderful. I'm not into religion but maybe those of us who are here were guided to your blog for some reason. You write as if you're having a conversation with your reader, making the process seem effortless. Additionally, my son has OCD and my stepdaughter is bi-polar, and I find that I've gained many insights from reading your blog. Along the way, I just decided that I like you because you're a nice, kind person and...well...you're likeable! So here we are, and we all feel the same about you, in that we care. Whew, how's that for chattering on! LOL!

LDAlvarez said...

Jonathon:
I found you through another blog about 2 years ago. Spent one night reading about a years worth of posts, I was hooked :-)
You make the mundane sound awesome. Your writing style easy and real.
As I said in my email, I've worried, prayed and laughed out loud over the past two years. I am so very pleased at your progress, you inspire me.
I'm glad you included me in this private "family" of readers. Thank you.

Diana

Tee said...

I too found you "by accident" and ready a lot of your older blogs to get an idea of your life. I've been hooked on your writing for several years. I also found Pioneer Woman here.

Be careful with the Alleve and Tylenol, they both can be toxic to your liver. I took lots of Alleve when I was recovering from hip replace because the pain meds kept my head in the toilet throwing up and when my doctor found out how often I was taking them (every 4 hours rather than every 12) she about died. My cousin died from Tylenol overdose which caused her liver to fail. Just FYI.

Have I missed something as to why Mrs. Florene doesn't drive?

Tee said...

One more thing and I've got to get busy because I have company coming for lunch. LOL

As far as I'm concerned you are at the TOP of the food chain with you job. I hate it when buggies are all over the parking lot at Wal-Mart. That's how I've ended up with several dents on the side of my car. I don't understand why people can't put them in the cages right out there in the parking lot to keep them from rolling all over the place. I'll get off my soap box now. :-) Have a great day and try to stay cool. The heat index over here in GA is forecast to be 106 degrees in the shade. I'm looking forward to the fall, how about you?

Gulf Coast said...

Jonathan, your writing in not mundane/boring! Actually your blog is very addicting to me.
I started a blog to encourage better writing skills. I happen upon your blog from Ladeda and was so drawn to your mental awareness because of a dear aunt having somewhat of a similar disease. In a wierd way your blog is like my favorite book that I read with many events.

I am so happy your medications are regulated correctly. Life has meaning and you are living it.

Gulf Coast said...

I found Pioneer Woman through your blog as well.. that woman can cook!

Justfly said...

When I first found you a few years ago I think the first draw to your blog was your relationship with cute little Maggie. She looks a little bit like my Cairn Terrier. I was also drawn my your ability and desire to have a better life, that still has not changed.
You also seemed to have some wonderful friends and colorful characters in your life =)

Annabel said...

I think I've been your longest blog reader as I've read you since you were the grumpy old man five years ago. I think our connection was from Prison Pete's blog that I helped get on blogs of note back in the day. I know that Summer was part of the original "gang" as well.
I read you because I consider you one of my longest and most wonderful blog friends. I love hearing about your day and I feel as though I really know you - though we still have yet to meet!
Thanks for making the decision to keep writing. I will certainly keep reading.

momsthename said...

Andrew
I dont know if this helps but cigarettes are a habit just like anything else. When my husband decided he was going to quit he gave himself 30 days(it takes 30 days to make or break a habit). On the first day he allowed himself 6 cigarettes for the first 5 days..no more no less....then he went to 4 and spaced it out somemore...then three...you see the pattern. But that being said I would definitly wait untell you are done with caffine before your try anything. My husband now allows himself 1 cigarrete a week..usually on a sunday or if he is stressed to relax.

Just breathe and take it one day at a time

Kelly

James said...

Wow.. I guess I was the only one to find your blog a few years ago by hitting "next" on the blog menu bar! Love the daily stories!

This IS The Fun Part! said...

I can't even remember how I found you! Probably through another blog. What hooked me was your writing style. It was obvious from the start that you were not the average joe picking out a tale with one finger on the keyboard.

Knowing that you actually had a functioning brain was a good start but then I found out that your story was really compelling, too.

You never once sounded like you wanted us to feel sorry for you. Whatever you had to say was just stated as fact. This is the way it is - I don't like it - but I can't find a way to change it . . . . yet!

And when you talked of your hopes and dreams, that closed the deal! I just had to see the outcome!

So - I'm here now because I'm a little old retired lady with just enough health problems that make it so I can't run and jump and play with all the other little old ladies - and I have nothing better to do with my time than to meddle in your life!

And I'm so proud of how far you've come!

Aren't you glad you asked!!

Love ya,
Grannie

Mary K said...

What drew me to your blog? You did! :p You're one of the lucky few people that I knew in high school that I liked. I'm glad to be in touch with you again and getting to know you better.
An added bonus is reading about you conquering your anxieties gives me hope that I'll be able to free myself from mine one day.

John Noble said...

Thanks for adding me, too. Yours is the only blog I follow, period. Why do I follow it? Like the others have said, and as I have said before, you have a great writing style that makes even the most mundane things you might talk about interesting to read. I believe your blog could be turned into a book someday, if you wanted it to, and I think you could write a great perhaps fiction book someday. I remember at one point you talked about a book you were writing...

You are an able and very talented person, in many different areas. You should be proud of what you've been able to overcome in the past days, and I know you can become almost whatever you eventually want to become. That being said, one thing I have found is that the fear of success is sometimes what holds us back - success breeds expectations, and expectations bring stress. So, be proud of your achievements, but be yourself, and do and achieve as much as what will make you happy in life.

I would also agree with Pipe that you continue to use your pseudonyms for you and your loved ones. Maybe I'm selfish, but if someday you boot me out of the 100 privileged ones perhaps because I don't comment too much, I want to have some hope that someday I might be able to read the blog again if you decide to make it public.

Thanks again.

Syd said...

I started reading your blog a few years ago, not long after I got mine going. I like that you write about the South and understand what it's like to live in the deep South. Also, you write conversationally which is interesting. Man, Stacey knocks down the wine--I would be ripped after four or five glasses!

John Noble said...

By the way, I drink caffeine-free diet coke. You might try that if you are cutting down on caffeine.

- PT said...

I found you by clicking the "Next Blog" and started reading and have read everyday ever since.

What drew me in, is your cast of characters with George, his mother, Rosa, Maggie, you and your family...I know it's your real life and you're living it. But to me it's like reading a good book where you grow to love the characters...and you never want it to end. I don't want to put this book down.

I truely think your blog should become a book or maybe a movie. Does that sound crazy?

Well, that's how it feels when I read your blog, and I like that feeling.

stellablue said...

Thanks for adding me to the select few who got an invitation! I feel so privileged! I can't even remember now what led me to your blog back in 2006 or so. I used to work for the Kentucky Alliance for the Mentally Ill - and part of my job was to help combat stigma for those that were bi-polar, schizophrenic and/or depressed, so I'm sure that's part of what had interested me at first.

But now, I read because I think you have a great writing style and are very talented at telling your story! I know it may sometimes seem boring to you, but I enjoy hearing about the details of what goes on day to day. I'm always routing for you :) Your blog is like a great book that I am privileged to get to read, that never ends :)

Stellablue

Lena said...

I enjoy your writing style, your photography, your love of trains, Maggie, your fondness for Joni Mitchell, your southern accent, how frequently you write, and your honesty.

I find your blog so interesting on so many levels.

So many dynamics with all of your family and friends that I think we can all relate to different situations'

I think in general people are more alike than we are different and you have a way of bringing people together.

amelia said...

It was so long ago I've forgotten how I found your blog. I enjoy it because it's real unlike so much of the b******t on most blogs. It's about a life that hasn't been east but you've come through.
Interesting too about the side stories in your life, like Rosa and George and Joyce, your neighbour (was).
It's like reading a book with new chapters every day!!