I’ve had a lot of interesting things happen over the years of the course of this blog. One stalker called my parents to verify I was homeless one time. A lawyer who reads the blog and lives in Atlanta ate at Merl’s Diner because I had written about it and how good the food was. A lady who is the online equivalent of my father is currently writing “interesting” blog posts about me and the changes I have made in my life. Several other people who read each other’s blogs are saying I am “the proverbial bull in life’s china shop”. Their words, not mine. That I am manic and making changes too fast.
I realized today I am putting my whole life out there glitches and all for the whole wide world to read and I am growing increasingly uncomfortable with this. Anybody with Internet access can read everything I’ve done for almost everyday since 2004. That’s kind of scary. Or am I just being paranoid? I have written this blog religiously for years baring all my faults and foibles to be commented upon. I am now growing tired of that. I’ve written too much and said too much. I put things in jeopardy over my incessant need to write about my life in an online journal. Too much of my real life is intersecting with my online life these days and it is not easy to deal with (the recent issue with Martha calling my father about my dabbles with drinking comes to mind).
A few months ago – the two weeks I didn’t write on the blog – I was at my wit’s end. I couldn’t get out of bed. I thought my life was over and the medications I was taking that were causing my malaise were forced upon me. Dad, thank God, realized something was bad wrong and started coming over here every morning to fix breakfast and to urge me to start living again. This was the impetus that made me change my life. I was dying emotionally and mentally. I decided I had to make DRASTIC changes or suicide would result – passive suicide as I am too much of a coward to pull a trigger or to hang myself from a light fixture. I, ironically, had a richer and fuller life as a drunk with my friend George than I did as a dutiful law abiding sober as a judge citizen on Zyprexa or Risperdal. I knew then I better get to living or I was going to die a slow death of sheer madness. I can now honestly say my life has never been better for all my naysayers out there much to their chagrin.
I’ve decided to quit writing the blog. I will leave up what posts remain for posterity, but there will be no new posts from here on out. I have a close cadre of real world friends now I can turn to for support and will use them instead of leaning on you all with my problems. I have Mrs. Florene who I talk to daily and who would do anything in the world for me. George will be out of jail soon and my life will take even another interesting direction as he will need me for lots of support. I have Stacey – the love of my life these days. I have a new guy friend in Derrick and we talk often at work and on the phone. I no longer feel the need to burden you all as my online support group as you are. I really appreciate all of you that have read for years and that have been supportive.
You know what is going to be nice for a change? For my life not to be an open forum to be discussed by people flung far and wide. No more comments to worry about as I dread reading them these days. No more “hiding” things because I think they are too racy for the blog. It will be just me and my real life for a change and I think it will be a change for the better.
(Subsequent Edit – I have just decided to make the blog password protected so only people I trust can read. I will password protect it tomorrow afternoon after work sometime. Comment with your email address ( or google username) and I will add you as a trusted friend if I know you well and you have been a supportive commenter over the years. Or you can just email it to me at firstname.lastname@example.org )