Thursday, August 19, 2010

For Whom the Bell Tolls…

Dad stopped by late last night. He had Charlie’s steak plates for Stacey and I from the cookout earlier in the day. It was a good excuse for him to meddle in my life for awhile.  He hasn’t been coming over with my brother in town.  I was already in bed and didn’t answer the door.  I sleepily said, “Shit!” when I heard the incessant knocking at the door knowing it was him from Maggie’s happy bark.  He let himself inside using his key to my house after calling my phone with his cellphone several times.

“Why aren’t you answering the door?” he asked turning on the overhead light of my darkened bedroom.

“I was asleep dad,” I replied, flabbergasted.  He would never just enter my brother or sister’s house like that.  I still garner little respect from him being treated like an adult child. 

He sat down on the edge of the bed as Maggie went just crazy.  Maggie thought he was going to sleep with us and it thrilled her.  The puppy was in the bed with us as well and it had took hours for her to get to sleep – her pining for her mother.  She started whimpering again. 

“It’s my birthday this week,” dad said very coercively. “Why don’t you get your injection in the morning for my birthday. Your mother says you have stopped taking your Risperdal.  It would thrill this old man’s soul!  I went through hell for twenty years before your mother started taking her Zyprexa and can’t go through that again with you.”

I sighed and rolled over wrapping the covers tightly around me staying quiet and complacent. I should always remember that anything said to mom gets repeated to dad.  I told her that in confidence.  I never wrote about it much on the blog as I could have – the opposition I faced from my family in starting this new life.  It was the most oppressive and coercive situation I have ever experienced – the peer pressure being almost overwhelming.  My father scares me deeply as he still controls so much of my life and he can be a mean son of a bitch when he doesn’t get his way.  There were so many mean threats thrown about that first few weeks – threats to cut off my electricity, to stop the cigarettes, to turn off the internet so I couldn’t write my blog.  It was touch and go for awhile there.  And it still is to a certain extent.  Neal Jean, a long time reader of the blog, wrote the most hurtful comment about worrying about my parent’s situation more than mine when I announced I had decided to go password protected.  It hurt me deeply.  “What about me?” I thought reading it.  “I am not a child.  I am 38 years old.  I am a grown man with all the human rights therein.”

“You’re not as smart as you think you are!!!!!” Dad screamed storming out of the house slamming the door as my heart beat furiously in my chest as I continued to lie in the bed.  The puppy was now crying loudly and Maggie was beside herself with worry. Maggie kept snuggling up next to me not knowing what to do about Caramel.  I didn’t get back to sleep until well after midnight as the puppy continued to whimper and my heart pounded and my mind raced. He still has such an effect on me.  I should just not care, but I love him deeply and want to please him deep down in my heart.  I will write again after work…  

20 comments:

Justfly said...

My dear Jonathon, it was painful reading about your father. Hopefully in time he will adjust to the new you. I would think in some ways he must be fighting the demons in his own head slowly realizing he must eventually take the fault for inducing your past mental illness, a mental illness that was never there.

Justfly said...

Oh..congratulations on your new puppy!

forsythia said...

Wow! Just hang on. You're experiencing your own home-grown Katrina here. His "storming out the house" was a tantrum. He knows he's losing control, and of course, he's full of "what if's." You weathered the first storm of the hurricane season, but there may be more to come. You're doing fine. The sun will shine again between the two of you. Hope the puppy didn't wet the bed 'cause she was scared by the visitor. ;-)

justLacey said...

My heart goes out to you. Here you are in bed sound asleep and you are awakened with that. I would have been hard pressed to go back to sleep myself. So far you seem to be doing well off your meds. I say see where it takes you for now. You are still under the care of your own dr and apparently she has not seen any problems with it as of yet.
Any names for the puppy?

Hap Joy Free said...

change is very fearful to all people. Your dad is not adjusting quickly to your new changes. He is scared. That being said, its not your problem, its his.

Keep on keeping on, if its working for you, intime, he will adjust. Maybe a change of locks is a good idea? Congrats on the puppy...whats her name?

Syd said...

I don't think that I could deal with such behavior. I would probably have to change the lock or ask for the key. It sounds as if your dad may need some medication. I understand your love for him. I loved my father deeply too. But his criticism and control is something that I have only understood since being in recovery. He too was scared and fearful. Yet, that effect on me was difficult. Take care and maybe think about some boundaries with your dad.

Nikki Beard said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nikki Beard said...

am normally a silent but avid reader of your blog.I jsut wanted to comment and say that I too hope that yor father can adjust and recognize the positive turn that your life has taken.

Gulf Coast said...

I was touched on your post. My advise, as you are most likely doing, is to listen to your father (calmly) and let him rave on. Tell him you love him and thank him for his parenting. I would just stay firm and maturely with your course of your life. Less drugs seems to be working for you maintaining a normal life.

Your father loves you. His threats are harmless. He would never do something to cause you discomfort and harm. Let him rave! As time goes on, he will see that you are more pleasant being around without being drugged. Time is all you have my friend but you cannot make any mistakes or you will be under the microscope with your family.

Watch what you tell your mom. They only need to see and hear the positive because they will dwell on the negative too much out of fear for you.

It's Jan! said...

Maybe it's time to change your locks, or at least add another one for privacy.

Are you still going to therapy? Can't your family accept that as the rules by which you live?

Oh Jonathan, I am so sorry it's so hard for you. I pray about your situation every night.

Now on to happier things for a minute...tell us about the pup?!

Sharon said...

I'm so sorry your Dad hurt you. It will take time for him to adjust to the new you, but that's his problem to deal with, NOT yours. Hang in there, you're doing great! We're really proud of you and how you're handling your life. Keep moving forward, and be happy.

mngirl said...

You have my sympathy. Sounds like something my mother would do (and she was the mentally ill one). Sometimes being "in control" is like a drug. I hope that you don't receive more unannounced visits, particularly if your girlfriend is there (you didn't mention if she was there or not).

Tee said...

I am so sorry this happened. Set boundaries, tell your dad you go to bed as such and such time and please don't come over after that hour, because you have to get up early for work. If he does it again put an extra deadbolt lock on your door and tell him why. Call him when you get up in the mornings for work and see if he likes being disturbed while sleeping. Put a big sign on your door "DO NOT DISTURB--I'M SLEEPING" and see if he honors that.

Tell him very calmly that you are not going to tolerate this behavior from him because he would not treat your brother and sister like this.

Tee said...

Post a photo of your new fur baby.

LM said...

Justfly said it perfectly. Talk to your dr about discontinuing the meds. She knows more than your Dad. Stick to your guns, Jonathon. I am so very, very proud of you.

Caramel is a 'luscious' name for the new puppy. I'd love to see photos. Now Maggie is a big sister!

Judy said...

I missed you so when you had your blog pass word protected. I tried to think of it as the end of a great novel. But you are real and so is your on going life. You seem better to me lately than you ever have in all the time I have been reading your blog and it has been a long time. I know your Dad loves you and you him but I do wish he would not have done that. Your deserve your privacy. Just remember we all don't do everything right and he wants what is best for you. But I think the path you are on is good.
Love you.

Judy said...

I missed you so when you had your blog pass word protected. I tried to think of it as the end of a great novel. But you are real and so is your on going life. You seem better to me lately than you ever have in all the time I have been reading your blog and it has been a long time. I know your Dad loves you and you him but I do wish he would not have done that. Your deserve your privacy. Just remember we all don't do everything right and he wants what is best for you. But I think the path you are on is good.
Love you.

Sharyna said...

It could have been worse. Stacey could have been in bed with you. And you could have been having Naked Time. I don't know what to tell you, the man is nuts!

LDAlvarez said...

I am so sorry you had to go through this with your Dad. I think your new doctor has the right idea, listen to her. Get a privacy lock or a new lock.
Try not to let his threats get to you, I know easier said than done.
Good luck Jonathon, your in my prayers.

Congratulations on the new puppy, love her name.

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