I just took the rest of the day off from work – my supervisor being very kind, nice, and supportive about my “crisis” as she put it. “I will see you in the morning sweetheart,” she told me. I did get all the carts caught up before I left, though, thankfully, and she thanked me as well. Dad and my brother came to work to get me to go get my injection at Dr. Kamath’s office, dad calling ahead to ready them, and dad also made me take my usual medications prescribed by Dr. Kern – my brother writing a prescription for them. I just couldn’t fight it any longer. I feel so defeated as if I am giving up my life. I just couldn’t take dad being mad at me for anymore. I just love him so much. He made so many threats last night and it scared me. Threats I didn’t write about. Threats of court ordered mental incompetence and he has the money and clout to do it.
I am going to continue to work fulltime not giving up. I will see how I do on all these medications again. Maybe I am mentally ill as I was feeling what could be best described as very crazy this morning – my mind racing and my heart palpitating – that nemesis anxiety as strong as ever. I kept hearing cicadas calling this early morning in the dark and they don’t start until the sun comes up and is bright.
And Then There was Caramel…
“Let’s name her Caramel,” mom said last night on the phone of my new puppy.
Mom has traditionally named all our dogs over the years including Maggie. I loved the name and told mom that was also the title of my favorite Suzanne Vega song. Tonight, dad is bringing mom, my brother, and my nieces over to see her and Maggie. I am now back in the good graces of my family for taking my old regimen of medications.
“I still can’t believe you paid $250 dollars for a dog,” mom said amused.
“I just had to have a Boston Terrier,” I told her in my defense. “Boston’s just have so much personality.”
“Are you coming over to get your diet Sprite at 4am?” mom then asked.
“I wouldn’t miss it for anything in the world,” I replied.
Mom told me she loved me and that she would put the drinks out right away, and we got off the phone.
Exploring My Mental Illness…
It is so defeating to admit again you might be mentally ill. I was doing so well there for so long. Maybe the catalyst for my problems this morning was the cessation of my Risperdal a few days ago. Maybe I am going to have to take an antipsychotic to keep my symptoms at bay. I was so excited with hopes to get out of the mental health system – hoping I was wrongly diagnosed or that I had been miraculously cured.
I woke up this morning with my heart just pounding furiously in my chest – that anxiety ever as acute as in the past. I assume as my medication levels continued to drop that I began hearing things – delusions of insects in the night. It was disconcerting and disappointing to be hearing cicadas at 6am when there was only a sliver of light on the horizon. I wanted to panic and get in my car and drive home. I hung in there finishing gathering my carts before I took action. It was a very hard thing to do. I played too fast and too loose with my medications it seems.
What does this bode for the future? I will most likely feel that fatigue and drowsiness I have experienced for years on these higher levels of Risperdal. I will have to go back to seeing Dr. Kern for my father to be happy – my mother’s doctor as well. I will have to take my Klonopin again regularly to control the anxiety I feel is partly induced by my antipsychotic. I will continue to work fulltime though if I can with the hopes of being off disability in May – keeping my health insurance by paying the premium for Medicare when I get off. This is just a minor setback and I will have to make a few concessions for my family’s sake to keep them happy and for my mental health as well. I fear I will never be out from under my father’s grasp fully and just need to resign myself to this predicament. He is one of the most determined persons I have ever met and never, never gives up on a cause for which he thinks he is right. It is these traits for which he has managed to build a million dollar business over these past thirty years – this obsessive need to control, manage, and oversee. I truly believe he does love me, but it is exasperating the way he goes about it. .