Thursday, August 19, 2010


I just took the rest of the day off from work – my supervisor being very kind, nice, and supportive about my “crisis” as she put it.  “I will see you in the morning sweetheart,” she told me.  I did get all the carts caught up before I left, though, thankfully, and she thanked me as well. Dad and my brother came to work to get me to go get my injection at Dr. Kamath’s office, dad calling ahead to ready them, and dad also made me take my usual medications prescribed by Dr. Kern – my brother writing a prescription for them.  I just couldn’t fight it any longer.  I feel so defeated as if I am giving up my life. I just couldn’t take dad being mad at me for anymore.  I just love him so much.  He made so many threats last night and it scared me.  Threats I didn’t write about. Threats of court ordered mental incompetence and he has the money and clout to do it.

I am going to continue to work fulltime not giving up.  I will see how I do on all these medications again. Maybe I am mentally ill as I was feeling what could be best described as very crazy this morning – my mind racing and my heart palpitating – that nemesis anxiety as strong as ever.   I kept hearing cicadas calling this early morning in the dark and they don’t start until the sun comes up and is bright.

And Then There was Caramel…

“Let’s name her Caramel,” mom said last night on the phone of my new puppy.

Mom has traditionally named all our dogs over the years including Maggie.  I loved the name and told mom that was also the title of my favorite Suzanne Vega song.  Tonight, dad is bringing mom, my brother, and my nieces over to see her and Maggie. I am now back in the good graces of my family for taking my old regimen of medications.

“I still can’t believe you paid $250 dollars for a dog,” mom said amused.

“I just had to have a Boston Terrier,” I told her in my defense. “Boston’s just have so much personality.”

“Are you coming over to get your diet Sprite at 4am?” mom then asked.

“I wouldn’t miss it for anything in the world,” I replied.

Mom told me she loved me and that she would put the drinks out right away, and we got off the phone.

Exploring My Mental Illness…

It is so defeating to admit again you might be mentally ill. I was doing so well there for so long. Maybe the catalyst for my problems this morning was the cessation of my Risperdal a few days ago.  Maybe I am going to have to take an antipsychotic to keep my symptoms at bay.  I was so excited with hopes to get out of the mental health system – hoping I was wrongly diagnosed or that I had been miraculously cured.

I woke up this morning with my heart just pounding furiously in my chest – that anxiety ever as acute as in the past.  I assume as my medication levels continued to drop that I began hearing things – delusions of insects in the night.  It was disconcerting and disappointing to be hearing cicadas at 6am when there was only a sliver of light on the horizon.  I wanted to panic and get in my car and drive home.  I hung in there finishing gathering my carts before I took action.  It was a very hard thing to do.  I played too fast and too loose with my medications it seems.

What does this bode for the future?  I will most likely feel that fatigue and drowsiness I have experienced for years on these higher levels of Risperdal. I will have to go back to seeing Dr. Kern for my father to be happy – my mother’s doctor as well.  I will have to take my Klonopin again regularly to control the anxiety I feel is partly induced by my antipsychotic. I will continue to work fulltime though if I can with the hopes of being off disability in May – keeping my health insurance by paying the premium for Medicare when I get off.  This is just a minor setback and I will have to make a few concessions for my family’s sake to keep them happy and for my mental health as well. I fear I will never be out from under my father’s grasp fully and just need to resign myself to this predicament.  He is one of the most determined persons I have ever met and never, never gives up on a cause for which he thinks he is right. It is these traits for which he has managed to build a million dollar business over these past thirty years – this obsessive need to control, manage, and oversee.  I truly believe he does love me, but it is exasperating the way he goes about it. .


Leigh Ann said...

This is just a set-back. You had them when you were getting off alcohol, and you will have them when you are changing your entire life like you have. Move forward! Call your OWN doctor, go see your therapist, and get back on track. While you're at it - change your locks:)

Gulf Coast said...

I am so sorry and praying for you. I feel as though you need to get your own doctor.

PipeTobacco said...


Oh, damn!

I can only comment from what you have written sir, but if you are reverting back to the whole regime of medicines you took previously (the ones under your former doctor)... you really need and must talk to your current doctor about this change before you restart.

Only you can decide if it is right or not, but from what you have written... it seems like you are saying the only reason you are going to revert back to your old medications is because your father is pressuring you to do so. That is NOT a reason to switch medications... ONLY YOUR DOCTOR should switch medications.

Please sir, talk to your current doctor and let him/her know what pressures you are experiencing in regards to the medications.

Also, it is very unfair, impolite, and horrible for people to threaten ANYONE... but it is especially wretched when a family member threatens another. It is just wrong.


Jenn said...

I'm sorry. You were doing so well, I know you can get back there again. You need some one to advocate for your behalf. Someone who can make medical decisions based on medicine and not family history. I hope you can find that kind of help.

Sharyna said...

There are laws to keep doctors from prescribing frivolously with people who are NOT their patients! Isn't your brother an oncologist? You do not have cancer so he really can't prescribe for you. Is he so under Dad's thumb that he would risk his med license?

The Hyperlexian Aspie said...


i agree with pipetobacco - i think maybe an appointment with a medical doctor may be better than having family manage your meds. i understand that they have your best interests in mind, and that you need their love and assistance. but i am worried about the control they have over you.

i understand going back on the meds. i have done so, back and forth, over the years. right now i am off meds, but that also means that i am more irritable and less stable, and i piss people off when i am like this.

Leann said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you Andrew. ((hugs))

cyottee said...

Pipe Tobacco is correct.Please please please recognise that it is your fathers actions that caused you to feel ill this am.He most assuredly knew he could badger you into this.Tell me Jonathon in all these weeks did you feel mentally well?Did the feelings of doubt and illness come from lack of meds or the actions of your father?Please see your own doctor and therapist and tell them everything.I don't want to see you lose what you have faught so hard for.
What exactly is your father so afraid of for you?For himself? Does the hundreds of dollars he makes off of your meds every month come into play?
I'm sorry,I just don't understand and I want to.
Big Momma Hugs and belly rubs,

Berryvox said...

:( I'm sorry to hear that. It's possible the Risperdal is the only medication that's necessary. I remember you going into word salad/schizophrasia briefly after you went off it.

I'm sure your supervisor will continue to be understanding. Just my opinion but the job really did seem to raise your self-esteem. Like Leigh-Ann said, it's just a setback.

Sharyna said...

Advice from Hubby Fred: Tell YOUR doctor immediately. You haven't been taking those meds in weeks! There could be side effects since it was such a heavy dose. Also, Fred suggests, transferring to another Walmart and taking Stacey with you. A Walmart in another state, preferably.

amelia said...

This makes me so angry that your dad IS controlling you and he has no right to!!!

Do anything you can to get out from under his control. Some one else said it sounds as if he is the one who needs meds and I have to agree. HE is out of control, not you!!!!!!!!!

Sharon said...

OMG! I'm so sorry to hear this. It frightens me that you let your father ride roughshod over you where your health is concerned. I always try not to criticize him because he's your Dad, but I can't see that he necessarily has your best interest at heart. Sorry to say that, I don't mean to upset you. Just SO worried about you!!

This IS The Fun Part! said...

Pipe Tobacco and I are in full agreement. Get on the phone NOW and call YOUR doctor.

Tell her about the episode with dad and be completely honest. I think she will agree that the emotional brow beating he gave you is what brought on your melt-down.

Your old doctor, your brother and your dad DO NOT need to be telling you what to take. They have no idea what your current situation is and can do more harm than good at this point.

Your dad knows exactly what buttons to press to get you to comply with his wishes - and he just keeps pushing those buttons until he gets the reaction he wants.

With love and support,

Beth said...

Add my plea to the others to call your own doctor and tell her what's gone on, and who is giving you the new/old meds.

I think it's unethical of your brother to write a prescription for you, especially with your father telling him what/how much, and I agree that he could be risking his license.

And I also understand the family ties aspect of this, and how powerfully they pull you.

The only person you can change is yourself, however. Not Dad, not Mom. Just you.

To go back on all that mix of meds could be disastrous to your health, and both your father and brother know that. You titrate up and down with those meds, not just swallow them down all at once. Call your doctor, Jonathon. Please.

Lottie said...

I'm so sorry... this just angers me so much. I feeling the pressure you are under, because I deal with it at home myself. As everyone else is saying... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE talk to your new Dr. about this. Make sure that he/she knows what's going on and the pressure you are feeling. As far as your father and brother goes... your brother seems to be under your father's thumb, too... making him write you a new prescription. He's an oncologist... what the hell does he know about psychiatry? NOTHING. And the last I knew, it was illegal for him to write such prescriptions. Your brother is under your father's spell as well.

Hang in there... this IS just a setback and you WILL get back on track... I know it. We all have setbacks in life.... ALL OF US. Just don't get too discouraged.

Praying for you, my friend!

Diana said...

Dear Jon,
This hurts my heart to see what is happening. Read back for the last month and see how many times you have said how great you feel and how much stronger you are. Your father may love you but he is controlling and a meddler. He doesn't want you independent. Please don't start up on all those meds again. You have been given some good advice about seeing your own doctor. Take a breath and regroup buddy. I wish you the best.

Amy said...

You are not defeated! Just think of all the steps forward you have taken over the last few weeks. Can't wait to see pictures of Caramel. What a great name your Mom picked for her.

mngirl said...

Please don't let your father defeat you like this. You've been so strong standing up to him and taking your medical situation into your own hands. Please see your own doctor immediately. I know I'm only echoing the rest of the commentors, but it's so important that you new doctor know what happened.

glittermom said...

why are you so obsessed with making Dad happy? What about your happiness!!!!! Its none of my business but this whole situation of your submission makes me angry...

PipeTobacco said...

Obviously, you are able to make whatever decisions you wish sir... so I truly hope this change back to all the old medications is what YOU think is right.

But that said, I cannot help but think (from what you said) that the panic attack you had was likely the result of the blowout you had with your father.

If I had a way to have you do what I think is correct... I would have you call your other doctor (the one who was listening to you and lowering your medication dosages). Since he/she is supposed to be your doctor, he/she should be the one to make decisions on what medications and injections you receive.... NOT your father, nor your brother, nor your old doctor. That aspect of you life is one that I truly cannot fathom and cannot believe anyone thinks is appropriate.

So, again sir, you may already be back under the spell of all the "quieting/sleeping" medications and contentedly resting away... but I hope before you begin to rest too deeply to ever want to make the call... I hope that you *will* call and speak to your other physician... the one who helped you these past several weeks.


Tee said...

You must call YOUR doctor NOW!

Golden To Silver Val said...

Yes, please call YOUR OWN doctor and advise what has happened. Its easier to deal with you and your mom if you're doped up and sleeping. That's no life and you've discovered that. Mentally incompetent? Let them prove that. I think you've done quite well all these weeks. Your supervisor can vouch for that. Just take the Risperdal and the Paxil like YOUR OWN doctor prescribed. You were doing well until YOUR FATHER upset you so. Please consult your doctor....YOUR OWN doctor. I will be thinking of you and wishing you well.

forsythia said...

I agree with both Pipe Tobacco's comments. The second one really hit home, because as I was reading your post, it occurred to me right away that your dad's late night visit brought on your panic attack. Even people who suffer from little or no anxiety find it hard to get back to sleep if suddenly awakened by a ringing phone or an angry confrontation. Call your own doctor. Don't let well-meaning relatives write prescriptions.

Mary K said...

Please, please call *your* doctor.
What your dad is doing is just plain out wrong and scary. I'm thinking about you and praying for you.

This IS The Fun Part! said...

Sweet Jonathon,

I want so much to just come up there and find you and just hold your hand and help you spoil the pups!

I know how important it is to have approval and love from your father, but you also have to have love for yourself. We already know that you are NOT an alcoholic - you have clearly proven that.

And you have also clearly proven that you are also much more capable than your dad and his puppet doctor would ever allow you to believe.

Please call YOUR doctor. She is the only one in all of this who has no outside motive. There is no reason for her to under or over-prescribe any medications for you. Her only goal is to help you. Tell her honestly about the latest rant from your dad and the following bug and anxiety attack - AND the immediate medicaiton overload. Be sure to include any other things that you haven't told us about. She knows better than anyone whether you are able to make rational decisions about your own care and medications!

Go back and read the past 7 or 8 weeks of your own words - and then go read something from about a year or so ago. Which Jonathon are you happier being?

I love you either way - as long as you are happy - I think that's all any of us want for you. We don't care if your dad is happy. We're concerned about YOU!


Syd said...

Hey Jonathan, I don't think that this was anything other than a result of your father "prepping" you for an anxiety attack and exerting control to keep you in a controllable zombie state. I hope that I am wrong. It would seem that you were doing great with your own doctor. Why not go back to your doctor and not one that your dad controls? Whether he has made a billion dollars and is determined to eek out a few from you is beside the point. You don't have to do what he says and you have your own choices to make. I think we all wish you the best here and hate to see you manipulated into anxiety and low self esteem.

Lena said...

Oh Jonathan, I agree that it seems wise to check in with your doctor and give an update.

I happen to think that there has to be a happy medium for all involved. I hope your doctor or that new therapist can work with all of you to find the right balance.