My recent forays into writing honestly about my life have really shown me what my readership can be like at times and what blogging can be like when things go terribly, horribly wrong when you are honest. Most people don’t reveal much on their blogs except the feel good stuff – the kind of stuff you only reveal in polite company. I guess I should as well. I’ve always had suspicions that 95% of my readership are just gawking at my unorthodox life that I blather on about like an idiot – laughing at me and marveling that a 38 year old man can live this way. Navel gazing. Only one person who reads the blog calls me regularly and attempts to reach out to me beyond the blog and it is Kirs. She has been very supportive about the anxiety attacks giving me tons of suggestions on how to control it. She suffers deeply as well.
Are all these people really my friends? I am seriously growing to doubt it. I am just entertainment. It is not very flattering to be honest that I have all these malignant anonymous people reading. I would quit writing the blog if I didn’t enjoy writing so much and having an audience to read it. I could just lie and write a completely feel good,boring alcohol free blog. Nobody would ever know the difference – knowing only what I reveal in my posts. I am a very creative writer and could paint a story of mental health bliss, AA meetings, and sobriety. I already hide 95% of my experiences with schizophrenia, psychosis, and extreme anxiety so as not to worry my readers so it wouldn’t be very hard to do. I find it depressing to write about. I find it frankly boring as well as I read countless other mental health blogs that blather endlessly about these topics. It grows tiresome. It seems like attention seeking.
I also haven’t been drinking so much as for it to effect my writing and my life. I have been pleasantly surprised as to my moderation. Years ago, I would drink until I was blitzed. I really just want to quell the anxiety and not really get drunk per se. I’ve gotten where I don’t like the feeling of being out of control that being seriously drunk imparts. I’ve grown out of that phase of my life.
I choose to write honestly about my life experiences because it is cathartic for me. I’ve said it before, but my blog is therapy. It would be much, much easier for me to just lie and paint a perfect picture. The anonymous commenters would stay away and my regular supportive commenters would be happy. The anonymous commenters only come out when things are going wrong, controversial, or negative – taking delight in my downfall they think.
Now, I’ve got extremely crazy overbearing people trying to call my father and interrupt his hard earned vacation and to worry him. He only gets to see his grandchildren maybe twice a year, but these people don’t give a shit. They just want to control me and get me in trouble – taking joy out of “turning me in”. People calling themselves bitches and saying they care anyway. They are calling the pharmacy so they allege (and there is no way in hell one of my father’s employees would give out his cellphone number). They are saying they are going to find my brother in Virginia. That is stalking and against the law! Who’s the villain here? I don’t care. Go ahead and call. What can happen except to ruin my father’s vacation and make him worry about me? There is little he can do being in Virginia. You are not going to coerce me as you are attempting to do Marsha.
I’ve also got all kinds of anonymous yahoos boisterously blathering on about my faults and foibles. Now I know how Kevin “The Homeless Guy” Barbieux must have felt when he wrote about such controversial topics honestly as homelessness and political dissidence on his blog. It made him quit writing about his life and writing his blog, and he had such an interesting story to tell we could all learn from. He was always so stirred up and crazed by the comments he would get. It really stirs the crazies up. Well, I have a much thicker skin than he does though. I am not going to quit writing, but this post will probably kill my readership, but I don’t care. I started out with two readers, Pipe Tobacco and Annabel, and will start again. The blog is definitely taking a different direction these days that I find so interesting to write about with me getting out of the house for a change. I will garner a new readership that enjoys reading these kinds of posts.
People try to control you and cajole you into thinking their way and towing the line I have learned in life. Guess what people? I am 38 years old. It is America and a free country. I have the choice to do with my body what I will and it is nobody else’s business unless I allow them entry into my life. I am not breaking any laws. It is just amazing to me the parallels with what I am experiencing on the blog to my father’s own way of doing things. It is uncanny the similarities. Coercion. Malice. Threats. Derisions. Demeaning comments. Such controlling people. It runs the gamut. Is America really a free country or are we all controlled by peer pressure and social mores?
It is obvious I didn’t go camping last night as I am writing this at home at 5am. I felt mentally shaky last night and decided just to stay home and rest, drinking my sunset brews, and I sat on my porch watching the neighborhood fireworks. The neighbors really put on a show last night and it was fun to see. They always go all out and must spend a fortune on all those fireworks. I also felt better for watching my British comedies. Hyacinth was in fine form last night and so was Mr. Humphries.
Later in the evening, I walked down to the convenience store to pick up a bottle of wine and some cigars. I then walked back up to the park to sit in a swing and listen to Coast to Coast AM. Tonight’s show was about psychic vampires instead of traditional blood sucking vampires. It was okay. I’ve heard better. It was hosted by Ian Punnett. My favorite Coast host. He made it worthwhile.
Yesterday morning, I drove down to Wal-Mart for the preliminaries of being hired. I had to sign all the tax withholding paperwork and they had to make copies of my social security card and driver’s license. I start work Monday and I am so excited and scared at the same time. Can I do this? Have I bitten off more than I can chew mentally? The lady assured me it was a job I could handle even with a disability. Next? I have to drive down to Opelika to the Social Security office to report I have returned to work and to report my pay which falls into the acceptable limits. The will give me a receipt as proof that I did this. It is very, very important that I do this from reading Social Security’s website. The lady at Wal-Mart assured me they are going to work with me on this as far as my hours are concerned so I won’t go over the pay limit. If they don’t play nice, then I will just quit. I just can’t jeopardize the $1300 dollars a month I receive in help with my medications with Medicare part D.
Someone asked why I started back drinking. I was simply to quell the anxiety I was experiencing. I don’t think people realize from my writing about it how horribly crippling this anxiety was. I was miserable and was willing to try anything. The medications my psychiatrist prescribes just weren’t working and I am not to see him for another eight weeks. I had to do something to make myself feel better and it was working. It is medicine. I am simply self medicating. I will have to work very hard to not let the drinking spiral out of control, but I think I can do it. I’ve felt so much better it is amazing. Would you begrudge a man simply wanting to feel better?