Sunday, July 11, 2010

Pontificating Over Employment…

risperdal_10956_4_(big)_ I drove over this morning for the medication ritual at seven.  My father’s cousin Jean is in town from south Georgia and staying with my parents.  She was still asleep when I arrived and dad said we needed to be quiet so she could sleep in.  She had a long drive the night before and didn’t get in until very late in the night.

“I am amazed you’ve managed to work one full week,” dad told me with a smirk as I sat down in the den. “I’ve been expecting drunken disaster by now. When do you get paid?”

“Oh, I’ve got money,” showing him the over hundred dollars I have accumulated in my wallet.

Dad looked aghast.  He hasn’t seen me with money in many, many years.  It about freaked him out!

“You’re playing with fire, son,” he said. “You know you are an incorrigible alcoholic!”

“I’m not a drunk,” I said calmly, taking my medications. “I drank all those years because I was miserable.  You had a big part to play in it.  I am happy now.  I can have a beer like a normal Joe.  I would have been obsessively drunk a week ago if I was going to drink like that.  I wouldn’t have worked two days before losing my job.”

Dad grumbled some.  I went and sat at the kitchen table while dad cooked breakfast.  We had biscuits, sausage, and strawberry preserves.  I had quite a few chocolate chip cookies mom had baked yesterday as dessert as well. 

“Just what do you do at your job?” dad asked. “I hate you are working for my competitor.”

“I just push the shopping carts inside,” I replied. “It is a simple and easy job.  I spent most of yesterday just passing time in the store we were so slow.  I didn’t have anything to do.  My biggest stress is dealing with the social situations that arise.  That is the thing that causes me the most anxiety.”

“What are you going to do if Social Security reviews your eligibility to work full time again?”

“I will jump that hurdle when it arises,” I replied. “They shouldn’t do that, though.  I have read online that it is against the rules.  They can’t punish you for trying to better yourself.  Most people can’t live on just disability alone you know?  I’ve been lucky to have a house and car that are paid for and no bills other than utilities.  You’ve kind of subsidized me for years.  It is time I start to pay my own way.”

test1 Dad told me that he gave me two weeks then I would quit.  He said I had grown lazy over the years and just couldn’t work a job.  He said he had decided he wasn’t going to worry about it too much.

“I know you,” he said. “Your mental illness is going to act up and you are going to get drunk in despair and lose your job by not showing up for a few days while you are in a drunken stupor.”

“We will just have to wait and see,” I said, determined to prove him wrong.

I haven’t been so passionate about something in many, many years – this returning to work.  It has given me a reason for living – for getting out of the bed everyday.  It has given me a healthy routine with which to center my life around.  I has also worked wonders for my self esteem. My father is my primary naysayer and I am going to prove him wrong.  I can be one determined son of a bitch when I set my mind to it.  I get it from my father. He forgets I am his progeny sometimes. 

Things to do Today…

  1. Trim my benefactor’s shrubbery for two hours for $25 dollars this morning before it gets too hot and the afternoon storms bubble up.
  2. Hope my benefactor wants me to mow his lawn which needs doing.
  3. Go to the grocery store and buy the items necessary to make mom’s lasagna for supper tonight.
  4. Hope my supervisor calls me in to work.  I don’t know what to do with myself with a day off.
  5. Drive to Auburn this evening to buy my two sunset brews.  They don’t sell beer here on Sundays.  I didn’t plan ahead last night as usual.
  6. Possibly hit the mill village and see if I can mow some of those small lawns for $5 or $10 dollars each with my push mower.
  7. Buy cigarettes.  I am on my last two packs.
  8. Drive over and get more of mom’s chocolate chip and walnut cookies. 
  9. Take Maggie for her long walk.
  10. End the evening in the park with my AM talk radio and sunset brews.
  11. Possibly check out reviews of and buy a few video games at work although I find most video games tedious these days. Want to check out World of Warcraft again and see if it captures my interest.  I need the expansion packs.

Damn Kids…

I was thinking this morning about that anonymous comment the other day saying I was racist for describing persons as black.  The hallmark of descriptive and good writing is painting a picture for your readers.  I have found adjectives key to my writing.  Are these petty people teenagers or kids?  Do adults actually quibble over this stuff?  It just came across as so petty and immature.  As if I was dealing with the irrationality of a petty teenager.  The intention is to cause me distress in some way, but it makes me laugh.  That people will read and feel the need to do such things just amuses me to no end.  I guess I am doing the wrong things by giving a response. That is the goal is it not?  To get my goat as Pipe Tobacco called it? LOL  I have visions of some lonely guy sitting in his parent’s dark basement in front of a computer writing this petulant stuff.  It makes me smile and laugh.  I just hate it tends to get the goat of my regular commenters though.   Don’t pay attention to that stupid shit!


Anonymous said...

It is stupid sh-t. You are not a racist and do not give in to that crap. Let's see how many names caucasan people get..cracker.

Anonymous said...

I can assure you I am a grown adult. Sorry you dont like that people confront you on your offenses. You sued the word NIGGER recently and didnt seem to think that would be hurtful to anyone.

Just keep drinking your brews and hurting your parents, dont give a second thought to anyone. You can surely live as you please.

forsythia said...

As soon as writers begin to fret about what others say about their writing, they might as well stop writing. Keep on telling it as you see it. Your writing is beautiful , full of life, authentic. Sounds like your most rabid critic is jealous of your ability to tell the story of your life.

I can't help but add that I am concerned about your drinking and am not really convinced you can handle it for long. (I know because I have gone more than a few rounds with candy corn. Don't laugh. It's an addiction. Besides, I come from a long line of proud alcoholics who denied up to the point of cirrhosis that they had a problem. ) The Japanese have a saying: First the man takes a drink, and then the drink takes a drink, and then the drink takes the man. Don't let it happen to you.

Sophie said...

I have to disagree with your philosophy that allowing anonymous comments promotes freedom of speech. I think that only cowards attack people from the shadows. Anyone with anything worthwhile to say should not be afraid to show themselves. Block the garbage posts baby, otherwise this just becomes a form of self abuse. You have plenty of friends here who will tell you when they think you've missed the mark, so who needs the anonymous crap? :-)

Sophie said...

I for one am very proud of you for working an entire week, and doing yard jobs on the side. I am so sad that your father can only critcize and try to tear you down with his negative predictions. He is obviously trying to break you so he won't have to worry about it. As long as you continue to watch those hours carefully and work with your supervisor on it, I am delighted that your plan is to prove to your father that he is wrong - that you won't have a meltdown, or a drink fest. Yes, you CAN work, live, love, laugh and have a normal life if you want it! However, I do have concern on the nightly drinking. Maybe you can just have a beer or two, but if one needs to drink every night it is well on the way to being a bad habit and that can grow. This would delight your father as he expects it. Prove to him you don't need that crutch. Have one now and then if you must, but not so much or so often, ok? You are loved and we want you to succeed as much as you want to! Keep up the good work, Andrew! I can imagine how much better you are feeling these days just for getting out of the house and doing something productive! :-)

Sophie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
glittermom said...

I believe you can prove your father wrong..

justLacey said...

I agree with Sophie. You shouldn't feel the need to drink EVERY night and if you are downing 2 40's that is way too much. My father never considered himself an alcoholic, but he drank a 6-pack of Busch every night after work on the back patio. Every weekend he drank them most all day long. That was my childhood. He was rarely if ever mean drunk and mostly kept to himself. A couple of times he was drunk and laying out in the backyard which would really piss off my mom. Did he thing he was an alcoholic? No. Did we, not so much when I was young, but I realize now he really was and though he always provided for the family, he was pretty absent for being there every day. When he retired he pretty much quit smoking and drinking. The point is, I guess that he missed out on a close relationship with most of his children and all of them, except myself are alcoholics or drug abusers. What a sad outcome that I know he didn't intend. Keep it in mind that if you HAVE to do it every night, chances are it's more of a problem than you think. Even if you can hold down a job, you could end up just a functioning alcoholic. There are many.

mxtodis123 said...

I was a 'functioning' alcoholic for years...went to work every day. I never considered myself an alcoholic...but then, it caught up with me...started going to work late, missing far too many days, and on the days I did make it, I could be found drinking my vodka in the bathroom. Needless to say, I eventually lost a good job...and eventually made it to detox and rehab. Be careful, Andrew. Two 40's is a lot different than the two beers you have been saying you're having...I was thinking the little 8-12 ounce bottles. And yesterday, you mentioned you liked the buzz it gave you. Not a good sign. I'm trying not to lecture, but I have 'been there and done that'. You've got a great little job and a feeling of independence. Don't become a slave to alcohol.

Leaking Moonlight said...

Hey, Andrew!

If you're not deep South Southern, then it's hard to understand our culture. We're kind folks who mind our manners, live according to nature's rules, and who notice and have an opinion on every little thing. (And for the record, I was known in high school as "that little white girl" and didn't mind a bit.)

Hurray for the long walk with Maggie!

Sharyna said...

In all fairness, when Andrew used the N-word, he was quoting someone else! Possibly a black man said it! I think we should all be behind Andrew cuz he's working and functioning among us. I have known Andrew for years and have never seen his life so good. I think Dad could give him more credit though.

Kate said...

Hi Andrew, Ive been a reader for a long time now. I've really enjoyed reading your stories. But i am concerned that you NEED a drink - a person who is not an alcoholic should be able to go for days without a drink... and the fact you are drinking two of those big bottles of beer is a concern. Be careful not for your blog readers but for your own health. If you get sick then your dad really will get his own way at last.

AJ Rahn said...

Andrew, I have been reading your blog for several years, and have only made a few comments here and there. It is good that you are working. Anyone who says you cannot work at least part-time when you are on SSDI is full of it... they bend over backwards to help you.

That said, I am a little concerned about your current Mental Health situation because your medications have been changing recently 'to find the right combo' as your doctor puts it. I am concerned that you may be in a mania phase--you are working. more active then you have been in months, if not years. And yet you still are not sleeping with much regularity. You are 'self-medicating' with alcohol, for the buzz/relaxation it brings.

You stated several days ago you do not know what half the 11 eleven pills you take are... please, find out, read the labels and warnings most 'psychiatric' medicines boldly state 'do not drink alcohol while taking this medicine...

please, Andrew, be very careful.

Syd said...

My father was as Just Lacey describes--a functioning alcoholic. He would sip bourbon on his days off and get shit faced by nightfall. It made for a lot of absences by me. I didn't like it or his criticism of me when he was drinking. I am glad that you are doing your work. It can be a ticket to real freedom. And it will build up your sense of self. I hope that all continues to work well for you. I am rooting for you to keep your job and your lawn mowing business.