I drove over this morning to get my medications at 7:30 as dad and I had agreed last night. Dad was not happy about it at all. He said he kept hoping I would call him with a change of heart – to acquiesce. Dad made me wait ten minutes to make sure I didn’t throw them up. He didn’t say much to me to my surprising relief. I didn’t need a confrontation this morning or an argument before work or the anxiety that would ensue because of it. He sat eating his breakfast of toast and jam and watched the television as I sat and let the medications soak in. He is really giving me the cold shoulder, though. Dad can’t stand to be out of control of situations or me. He controls pretty much everything my mother does and did for me as well for years.
Having my medications in the morning REALLY helped me at work today! I didn't have any anxiety whatsoever. None! It was so very encouraging and such a relief. It made working so much more pleasant. I took so much pride in my job today. You remember how I kept saying for weeks that I felt fine from about 10pm to the early morning the next day? My anxiety was at it’s worst from around 11am to 8pm at night. This was because I was taking my medications in the evenings and they would wear off as I slept. Now, I have their full effects during the day when I need them the most. Now, I can just be anxious in my sleep when I won’t notice it. lol
I want to simplify my medications, though. I think we can safely do without some of them. I feel eleven psychotropic medications on top of my antipsychotic injection is just too much to take. These pills were added due to my father’s influence over my psychiatrist. I take mood stabilizers, several antidepressants, bipolar medications, numerous anxiety medications, various antipsychotics, etc. I think less is better as far as that chemical stew is concerned.
I feel I have a lot of side effects from all these medications. Especially sexually. I haven’t thought of sex in months and months – really years since Rosa and I broke up and went our separate ways. It never enters my mind and that is not healthy nor normal. I would like to have a relationship again some day soon. I want to take joy at marveling at a nice looking woman’s body. I am already meeting lots of nice women at work. Flirting is a new game for which I am exploring some and it is exciting! I have the self confidence and self esteem to do it these days.
I have to work a full eight hour day tomorrow. My supervisor wants me to train the new guy she hired today. She is going to let the teenager, Tim, working second shift go after his shift this afternoon. She said he had called in too many times. I kind of felt sorry for him. I am such a softie. I hate to see someone get fired. He was a pretty nice guy, just kind of young and dumb about life. Typical teenager stuff.
It is supposed to rain tomorrow and I asked my supervisor what we do in inclement weather.
“You need to buy some rain gear,” she told me. “We still work in the rain. The store goes on. Wal-Mart never stops.”
I won’t mind. It will be interesting. You know I love the weather and I will get a chance to experience it first hand. And it will be nice as the high temperatures are expected to drop ten degrees tomorrow. Our heat wave we’ve been having is over for the time being after today when a cold front blows through. I looked at the forecast before work this morning and we have a lot of potential rain ahead. I guess I am going to get very wet in the upcoming week. Sloshy tennis shoes will abound. I need to get some waterproof hiking boots so my feet stay dry.
I get about $1000 dollars a month in my disability allotment. I haven’t had access to this money in probably five years. Over the years, dad has come to think of this as his money and not mine. I am going to start talking to dad assertively about me having access to my disability account at the bank with a debit card to buy groceries, gasoline, sodas, cigarettes, and other sundry items. He is going to balk, but I think it is about time I have some control over this again. It is my money after all. If he doesn’t agree, then I will get a third party arbitrator as is my right within the guidelines of Social Security disability. I can chose any representative payee I prefer at any time and I have thought of getting Mrs. Florene to do this. She will just have to drive down to the Social Security office with me to sign the paperwork. It is a simple process and will only take a few minutes. She would be overjoyed to help as always I am sure.
One nice thing about having a disability income is that is takes away a lot of the stress and pressure of working as in worrying if I could lose my job to my disability. I could always just quit and go back to my life as it was before. Dad would be overjoyed and would welcome me back into the fold. We would go back to our usual routines if nothing ever happened as far as my strive for independence is concerned. Things would go back to normal – the status quo. I am not saying this is going to happen, but it is a comforting thought to know I am safe and have a steady income despite my jobs. Life is not going to come to a screeching halt if I can’t work or my efforts for independence falter. I won’t end up homeless or penniless without work.
You know one thing I am noticing that is interesting these days since I have money again? I don’t want to get shit faced drunk all the time when I am feeling well and anxiety free. I’ve been too busy to stay drunk and my self esteem has a really big part to play in it as well. I really don’t think I am an alcoholic and all those years I drank was because I was so miserable emotionally and mentally. Yes, I like the occasional couple of beers in the park – my sunset brews as I call them. But I haven’t gotten drunk in a long time. It just helps soothe what little anxiety I am experiencing these days after a hard day’s work. I know you all are going to balk and scoff at me writing this! LOL I have been labeled and it is going to be hard to break the stigma of it. I will just have to prove it to you all over time as you read along with me on the blog about my life.
Well, I am going to eat a quick sandwich and head out to finish that yard care job and get paid my $75. I am then driving down to Best Buy to buy that camera part this evening before they close. Pictures of Maggie should be up in the morning! lol