Monday, July 5, 2010

I Abhor Censorship…

I usually don’t do email. I find it laborious and anxiety inducing, but I got my email set up and running this morning with Windows Live Mail – a free program for download and a good substitute for Outlook and Thunderbird.  One nice thing now about getting my blog comments via email is I can now pick and choose which comments I want to read.  If I see say JustLacey or Pipe Tobacco, then I will click on and read the comment.  They usually have something constructive or positive to say even if they don’t necessarily agree with my methods or my actions.  If I see an anonymous comment, then I won’t click on that tripe to read.  Staying far away.  If someone really wants to start a report with me then they can just sign up for a Google account.  There is a big difference between constructive criticism and just downright meanness and malice as these comments usually are.  Any threatening seeming comments will be passed over.  I have enough negativity in my life with my mental illness to be reading all that junk on my blog anyway.  I don’t even know why I leave anonymous comments up, but I abhor censorship for some reason.  My biggest gripe and misgiving about “The Homeless Guy’s” blog, my favorite blog, was his rabid censorship of his readers. He was maniacal about it and would delete comments in a heartbeat if you didn’t agree with him, and it pissed a bunch of his regular supportive readers off.  I think it went a long way to killing his blog as blogs are little communities for good or for bad. I would feel like a hypocrite if I took them down.  You have a voice on this blog, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I will read it all. You can just bitch to the other commenters if they want to read all that junk. I guess I am giving you free reign and license to talk about me behind my back.  Eww, that sounded like a paranoid schizophrenic moment didn’t it? lol

I spent the last of my money I had yesterday evening.  It is back to poorsville for the time being. I drove to Wal-Mart late last night and bought a cheap memory card for my Wii and a big cheap case of bottled water for work.  I was hoping the extra memory would make browsing faster as I browse and read blogs mostly through that gaming console on my big screen HDTV.  It is easier for me to read as I have terrible eyesight and I can easily control the font size with the Wii’s remote. I keep getting out of memory errors with my Wii when I load certain graphic heavy WebPages and blogs. The memory seemed to have done the trick.

I paid close attention to where the carts are kept in the parking lot in preparation for tomorrow while I was there last night.  There were more carts in the parking lot than there were in the store so I and my coach should be busy this morning.

It has been so very nice having money for a change. I haven’t really had money in many years except for the odd bit George would give me.  It will probably be a week or two before I get more.  I don’t know when my first paycheck will be.  I will have to ask this morning.  I could get out this afternoon and hustle and cut grass with my mower.  I have a full tank of gas in the mower and an extra can of gas as well.  That might sound like a plan. I’ve noticed quite a few neighbors lately with high grass on my street. I would love a barbeque plate at Rodger’s tonight as a treat for successfully working so that might be the impetus to get me off my ass and hustling this afternoon.

It is 4:30am and I am all ready for work so early.  I am chomping at the bit to go and overly excited.  I have taken my shower, put on lots of deodorant, washed my hair, and ironed my clothes. I have my khaki pants and long sleeve Auburn shirt all laid out on the bed ready to be put on.  I put some sunscreen in my backpack and also added my orange Auburn hat that matches my shirt.  I will be wearing a Wal-Mart smock, though, on top of my shirt that is highly reflective for visibility.  It is ready to go as well, but it smells musty and well used.  I should’ve washed it last night, but forgot and just didn’t get around to it.  I was in the bed at midnight so I think I got some pretty good sleep even if it was only four and a half hours.  Good for me anyway as I have weird sleeping habits these days. It is going to take a few weeks to get back on a normal sleeping schedule after eight years of just sleeping when I felt like it. 

I feel very good this morning and upbeat mentally.  Serene and calm.  No anxiety whatsoever thank God.  It has been a long time since I so looked forward to something – so very long.  It has also been such a long time since the stars have seemed to align to allow me to do this.  I feel like I have a purpose for living now and that is a big change after eight years of wandering through life.   I ate two of Charlie’s hamburgers for breakfast and they were delicious as well. I shouldn’t have eaten two as I now feel overly full and that may trigger my bulimia, but I felt I needed the extra energy for work today.  I am having to temper my excitement so as to not get an anxiety attack this morning, though.  I have to be so careful about things like that. The littlest thing can trigger me.  It will be too easy to get so excited and to get that rush of anxiety I experience. I will take my two Klonopin at seven and hope for the best.  Wish me luck!!!  Let’s pray I don’t have any “interesting” mental moments at work!!

15 comments:

reaganalabama said...

Good luck today!!

justLacey said...

Good luck, no wine before work please. I think you are going to be just fine!

skinny minny said...

have a great day today. Ia mexcited for you as you are stepping out trying t ochange your life up for what you feel will be the better. I have always found that when I have a schedule that has things that someone else (like an employer) requires of me I am better able to cope with my own depression, social anxiety, and loneliness issues. Like Maggie gives you a reason to stay work may give more reasons to fight your mental illness and the added energy/self confidence to do it.
Good luck and have fun today.

Sheri said...

I hope it goes well for you today. Good for you for getting a job!

This IS The Fun Part! said...

Good Luck!!

Becky said...

Have a GREAT day!!

Sharyna said...

Andrew, I've told you before that it will help your self esteem to work. I love you and wish you a very good day!

Summer said...

I'm excited too!

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

Best of luck at work Andrew!!!! :)

Sophie said...

It is so nice that you are feeling this positive about starting your new job. I know you can do this if you want it bad enough and I think you do! Wishing you the best!

Annabel said...

Good Luck today. Sorry I haven't commented in a while. I'm also sorry that you're having to deal with obnoxious people lately. Some people just don't get it that just because one can stay anonymous doesn't really give one the right to be rude.
I admit I am concerned for you as your friend, but it is not my place to sit in judgment of you. I wish you the best and I hope this job works out for you.

glittermom said...

Hope all the good luck you are wished helps you make it....We are all anxious to hear how your day went..How long is your day? I dont think you said how many hours you would be working..Hope you packed a little lunch..Keep us posted...

vivalarobot said...

I'm with glittermommie (and not just because she's my mom!) but i hope your day went well and can't wait to hear about it!!

pattycakes said...

good luck on your new job and have fun with it , hope it brings you some new found confidence and helps you keep going
have a good day

Tokyo Biker Mommy said...

You know we are all on the edge of our seats to hear how your day went. :)

You have a lot of well-wishers here who are rooting for you - hope you find your way!