I have to start taking a more assertive and dominant role in my mental healthcare. For years, I haven’t even really known what medications I am taking. Of the eleven pills I take every night, I can only name five off the top of my head. This has got to change. We have to start doing what is good for ME and not what is easiest for DAD.
Dad arrived tonight and was surly and cold to me as I had expected. I asked about their trip to Washington, but he didn’t say much. He did say my brother and him were on the Today Show. We sat down and began to talk. I immediately took an assertive role.
“I want to take my medications in the morning so they will help me while I am at work,” I told my father. “They are wasted on me with me taking them at night while I am asleep. Most of them wear off in only eight hours from what my psychiatrist has told me.”
That will give me two Klonopin for the morning of work and two Klonopin for my afternoon job of mowing lawns. I feel this is the best solution to solving my anxiety. I was taking two of the Klonopin at night before bed and I don’t deal with anxiety while I sleep.
“So you’re calling the shots now, are you?” dad asked facetiously, growing angry. “What has gotten into you, son?”
“I will drive over in the morning at 7:30. You can give me my medications. And then I will go to work. I need them in the mornings, dad,” I replied calmly.
“We can’t do that,” dad told me shaking his head vigorously. “We are going to stick to our regular schedule.”
“Then I am not going to take them,” I threatened as was my only leverage. “There is nothing you can do to make me take those medications forcibly.”
“Damnit!” dad replied. “What do you have to be such a hard head? What has gotten into you? Are you somehow throwing up your medications while I was gone? You are just crazy as shit now.”
“Do we have a deal?” I asked calmly without raising my voice throughout this whole exchange.
“I don’t have any other choice,” my father replied giving in. “You have to take your medications. I can’t deal with you if you aren’t on them. I am going home now and I don’t want to talk to you until tomorrow. I hope you have a change of heart.”
I hated to do this to dad, but I really need my medications in the morning before work. I really abhor confrontations like this, but I think it will go a long way to helping me quell the anxiety and to help me do a better job at Wal-Mart. To be less anxious all the time and nervous as I have been during the day will be a wonderful thing. Especially late in the day. I love my father very deeply and hate to disturb him so much, but things have got to change for my emotional and mental health. We have a completely unhealthy relationship of dependency and caretaking. For years, I have been as if I am an adult child. It is about time I starting acting and asserting myself like a grown man.