Sunday, July 11, 2010

Addiction Central…

The convenience store down the street from my house fascinates me.  Now that I have money, I find myself visiting it a lot these days.  I walked down with my sunset brews in my backpack growing tepid and bought my favorite cheese on wheat crackers and a candy bar.  I noticed today how so many things sold in a convenience store are addictive or easily abused.  Junk food.  Caffeine laden sodas and energy drinks.  A myriad of forms of alcohol.  Cigarettes and cigars.  Smokeless tobacco.  Countless condoms for the sex addict.  America is also addicted to oil and thousands of gallons of gasoline are sold at this store everyday – cars are always lined up waiting for a free gas pump.

I didn’t see my “friend” – the teenaged black girl with a smoking habit.  I missed her in a strange way.  I like familiarity and routines.  I was hoping she would once again jab me with language for a cigarette.  As I walked down to the store, I thought of witty comebacks I could thwart her attempts with.  My favorite was, “It’s going to stunt your growth!”  She is already petite and tiny.  I knew it would piss her off.  Like I said yesterday, payback is hell.  She has been so rude to me!

I find myself having to stay busy to keep the anxiety and mental problems at bay.  If I sit too long or are too idle, I start to worry and feel out of sorts.  It is as if I am over thinking things and willing my mental problems to happen.  I’ve sat in this house for years miserable thinking these very same things.  It has been so nice to live without extreme anxiety these past three days.  Maybe it’s the medications in the morning or maybe it’s me staying busy.  Who knows?  It works and I am sticking with it.

The black boys weren’t in the park playing basketball tonight.  I missed their playful banter.  I didn’t stay in the park long finding Sunday’s offering of talk radio to be mediocre at best.  I drank my two sunset brews and walked the thirty minutes home.

I’m probably writing to much on the blog and overwhelming my readers I thought tonight.  Who wants to read all this gibberish?  I just love writing about my days finding it so cathartic.  It is such an effective means of therapy for me so I hope you don’t mind.  


Jen said...

keep writing..and it's good to see you're doing well. independence is exactly what you've needed.
i also support the drinking in moderation solution, in spite of what some of your other commenters say. and i think you have every right to have the only say in what medications you take, and i commend your determination to simplify your meds. it's YOUR body and YOUR life! :)

Tee said...

Staying busy might be the key to helping you mental state. It help all of us to stay busy. An idle mind is the devil's work shop. I just spoke with a friend that is preparing to retire and advised him if he doesn't have a plan to stay busy during retirement he would die mentally and physically.

Keep on writing. You paint an excellent picture with words.

mxtodis123 said...

Hi, Andrew...Please don't think I am nagging, but I worry. I work in the mental health/substance abuse field, and I'm sorry to say this, but I don't see drinking two 40 ounce beers daily as moderate drinking. My friend, that's 80 ounces a day. That is a lot of beer. And don't forget. You take a lot of medication. Your poor liver is working overtime now...metabolizing all those meds and now the beer, too. Think about it.

Syd said...

It has been so hot here that my outside activities were limited this weekend. Glad that you are enjoying your Sunday.

PipeTobacco said...


I commend you on your successes this past week! I think you are definetly proving to yourself that you can have hopes and dreams and then also strive to attain them! Bravo!

Please do not think you write too much. I think the writing is valuable for you as a creative outlet, and I think your writing is a valuable service to others who learn from your writings.


This IS The Fun Part! said...

Caution - nagging zone!

Keeping busy is what keeps the anxiety away? at least that's what it's starting to look like. All this week you have run wide open, non-stop. First at work, then with the lawn business - by the time you get home, you're exhausted with no time to fret over silly things like mental illness, etc.

Looks to me like the only time you really think about it a lot is when you have nothing more important keeping you very, very busy.

So - find other things to keep your mind busy! Whether it's radio, music, blogging, planning your new business - when you start to dwell on the more negative things, stop yourself and find something better to do with that time.

Frankly, I don't know if that is something that is possible with what you have - - but maybe it's something you could try. Just keep going the direction you're headed! From what you're telling us, it sure seems to be working really well for you.

Have a wonderful Monday, my friend!

A. J. said...

2 40s is a little more than a six pack... for someone who used to polish away a case a night, that is moderate. When you are at the CVS buying NyQuil and mouthwash at 4am because the beer store is closed, that's a problem.

justLacey said...

I prefer when you write more than less. I like to know what you are up to and how your days are going.