Thursday, June 17, 2010

Who Let the Feel Goods Out?

I feel so well again this morning.  Progressively, I have felt better and better everyday.  The incessant drooling has almost stopped.  I am able to sit long enough to watch my favorite show, Bones.  I no longer pace the floor for hours on end.  My mind grows clearer and more calm everyday.  I can only attribute this to my change back to risperidone away from Zyprexa.  Although, I miss being able to sleep on a whim like I could under the influence of that other drug.  It was the great escape from the torment that was my life.  Whole days could be spent in the bed escaped from my reality. 

I’ve been trying to understand the psychology of negative anonymous commenters this morning.  I understand the intent is to cause pain.  That is easy to discern.  The malice is palpable.  They would probably claim they are telling the truth.  I don’t share but a small percentage of my life on this blog so they can’t honestly deduce my life from my postings.  Whatever truth they seek is sorely lacking.  Sadly, I almost find it amusing – this drive to barrage me with all that nonsense.  This inane need to seek out a hurting or sick individual on the internet and bully them like children on a playground.  I can only conclude that I will have the last laugh as I will probably still be writing this blog long after their attention wavers.  I will probably and most likely have the last say.

I have no plans for the day.  I’ve been up since 3am reinstalling Vista again.  My computer was starting to slow so I knew it was time.  I find myself reinstalling Windows every few months in my attempts to keep it running clean and fresh. 

My brother called me last night on one of the exceedingly rare occasions he will do so.  He had bought a new iMac.  His first.  He’s always been a PC guy. 

“Do all Macs only have a one button mouse?” he asked.

I laughed and told him, yes, they all have a one button mouse.  I have little experience with Macs and couldn’t help him with much else though.

Dad’s sickness is easing up.  He sounded so much better last night.  Less congested.  He was in fine form as he told me to stop feeding Maggie people food.  Maggie had once again ignored her Purina One in favor of strawberry Poptarts.  The Mag dog is currently in the den on the cushion of the couch sleeping.  She makes it look so comfortable.  I’d curl up with her if I could fit.

I wistfully want to blame my current anxiety on my lack of alcohol.  I know. I know. Berate me.  It is just the alcoholic in me lashing out. A drink sure would calm me, though, and it is so enticing.  I’ve been obsessing all morning of hitting the pawn shop with my iPod when it opens at 9am.  I better attend that 8:30am online AA meeting they have everyday.    


This IS The Fun Part! said...

It is so good to see you feeling better! Surprise dad this morning. Go take a shower, wash your hair and shave! He'll be thrilled to death!!!

Have a great Thursday, my friend!

Love ya,

forsythia said...

Glad, SO glad, to hear that you are feeling SO much better. Pay no-never-mind to that ignoramus, "Anonymous," He's a nattering nabob of negativity.

A homeless guy who suffers from schizophrenia and alcohol addiction stops by at our church on Sunday for a shower and a clean change of clothes. He's has kind of a desperate, driven look. Not sure if he's on meds or not, but folks say he used to be an accountant. "C" has a couple of cups of coffee and some cake. If we have a picnic or special dinner, he shows up. He is welcome. And you know what? On Sunday mornings,after his shower and some "breakfast," he sits down at the piano in the church hall and plays for an hour or more. He makes it up as he goes along. It's pretty impressive.

Cheryl said...

Good morning! Only an hour till the online meeting. Hold on, OK? Your iPod is a much better choice than a drink, ya know?

You should definitely get an iTouch, btw. The next best thing to an iPhone. You'd love the apps.

Sharon said...

Don't bother yourself with the inane ramblings of anonymous idiots. If they had the guts to back up their blather, they would post under their name, not as anonymous. It's unfortunate that in this world, there are people who not only lack empathy (the word psychopath comes to mind)but deliberately go out of their way to be hurtful. They win nothing by doing this except contempt, disgust and disdain from the rest of us.

KathyA said...

1. Pop Tarts!? LOL
2. I hope you attended your online meeting.
3. Glad you're feeling better.
4. Ignore the slack-jawed, cowardly bullies. If the comments bother you -- put up a moderator on your site and then reject any and all anonymous comments without reading them.

Happyone :-) said...

So glad to hear you are on an upswing and feeling good. :-)
I have an iMac and LOVE it!!

Beth said...

When you find meds that keep your worst symptoms under control, you ride that pony as far as it will take you. That's a good thing. The not-so-great part is, of course, that the meds all have side effects that can cause problems. But really, who of us, medicated or not, is without the side effects of 'bad' days, or bad habits, or overindulgence in something not good for us? Those of us not on psych meds can have bad days or unwise impulses too.

What it boils down to is how willing we are to exercise the self-control to NOT drown our sorrows, to NOT self-medicate with substances (which can include food, drink, Rx meds, or street drugs). And medicated or not, we all DO have that choice.

You are an alcoholic. You have a choice whether or not to drink, mental illness or not. You have a choice whether to take your psych meds or not. You have a choice whether to overeat and indulge in bulimic practices or not.

You also are intelligent enough to understand the consequences of taking a drink or not taking meds or purging.

These choices are not easy ones, mental illness or not. But you know what you need to do to continue to stay sober and on the path to recovery on all fronts: that much is clear from your writing.

Keep going to AA as much as you need to. Keep writing here. You have such a cloud of witnesses surrounding you to help you -- but you must be willing to do the work yourself.


Tee said...

When I was working and we received anonymous letters making accusations about or employees we just trashed them. If they didn't have the guts to identify themselves we weren't interested in what they had to say. Maybe it's time for you to do away with the anonymous choice of identity. If the idiots aren't upright enough to identify themselves they shouldn't be allowed to post comments on your blog.

This IS The Fun Part! said...

Hey - - I hope you were really busy today and just didn't have time to write! I was thinking of you all day. See ya Friday!

Love ya,

Anonymous said...

I find it interesting that you come to the conclusion that I (along with your other anonymous commenters) are out to "cause pain".

Lets see, your mother drives under the infulence, and can kill I speak up. You brush it off...I point it out that she can KILL someone, and I'm causing YOU pain? Ha!

Your uncle steals meds from your fathers pharmacy, I say call the's say my comment is causing you pain?

Your father is a control freak by your own admission who berates you every chance he can to keep you under his thumb. He won't give you meds when you need them, etc...I say grow a back bone, call social services and get help and, umm, excuse me, I'M CAUSING YOU PAIN? Yeah, getting help from an outside sourse is SUCH a bad idea.

You say YOURSELF how your father keeps your mother medicated to keep her quiet! And lets not even get into his secret love affair (which YOU told us about) and I speak against him and once again, I'M CAUSING PAIN?

Give me a break. The only thing I'm guilty of it trying to get you to open your blind eyes to what's going on around you. And YES, we DO know what's going on. You've sung the same sad song, just in different tunes, day in and day out for the last several years.

Ok, I'm causing you pain...and you're the easter bunny.

Maybe the question is, "Why do my anonymous commenters keep trying to help me when I am in major denial and will never change?"

I don't need to type my name, you know who I am. (sometimes this computer is logged in with my son's name and so I click anonymous so his name doesn't appear. But that's none of your business!)