Sunday, June 6, 2010

What Could I Do?

What could I do to feel better?  I’ve tried nutrition this week.  I’ve tried good sleep.   I continue to smoke like a smokestack.  I just want some peace.  Is that too much to ask?  I just want to sit in my lazy boy for hours on end and watch TV comfortably.  I am so miserable right now.  I’ve tried playing mind games.  I know I am lucky to be alive.  I know I am blessed.  I could be homeless and experiencing this.  I could be wandering the streets aimlessly and in anguish.  I have so much empathy for what homeless mentally ill people must be going through – to be tortured by their minds and to not have a bed to lay in.  I am off to continue to fight to get better.  Maybe if I spend some time on this computer it will distract me and help.  I just want to sit and be.  To be at peace.  I want peace of mind first and foremost.  

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

In your above comment , you unintentionally pinpoint why you experience such existential angst- your goal in life is to become a lazy idler who is content wasting his time watching noisy trash on the boob tube! What kind of purpose is that for an intelligent HUMAN- even Maggie the mutt enjoys the challenge of hunting and scavenging! All that mollycoddling and pampering you get must have drained all the ambition and gumption out of you. I pity you more than any of the wretches at the Nashville Rescue Mission. At least they lead interesting lives full of adventure, challenge and striving- just like our Neolithic hunter/gatherer ancestors. Boredom is crushing to the soul.- a concerned reader

justLacey said...

Omg anonymous, you are a pathetic. Is it better to live a life torturing someone, who is obviously already struggling, with your thoughtless and cruel comments? There are ways of saying things that make the same point but aren't so cutting and cruel. If this is YOUR purpose in life, I suggest you find another. You are the boring one.

Hap Joy Free said...

what an asshole "concerned reader" is.Your compassion is hiddedn behind your rudeness. Jackhole!

Andrew- call the dcotor. Today. You cannot control your illness, so dont try. Ask him for help, he is the professional. I bet the phone call alone will bring some peace. Also try an AA meeting, online or face to face. Hang in there :)

forsythia said...

Existential angst, my foot. When you're feeling well, Andrew, you "hunt and gather" with the best of them. You pursue all kinds of interests. Right now, I think your meds are out of whack. You say you're sleeping well, and that's good, but this constant restlessness and mental anguish you experience during the day isn't the norm for you. I'd say you should call your doctor and get your meds adjusted.

skinny minny said...

call your doctor! and I understand the desire to just be.. it is horrible when you want to veg out or relax and you can't...weird how depression and mental illness in general can do that to you. you need solace and peace and you DESERVE it! Call your doctor!

Leaking Moonlight said...

Hey, Andrew. I can only tell you what I do, and that is to walk the one dog that can go as far and as long as I need to walk to exhaust myself physically.

And even though its 95 to 100 plus degrees here, I walk one or both of the dogs every day. Outside of the house, I can take in and appreciate every thing around me, and it gives me peace of mind.

Anonymous said...

To anonymous: classy, very classy. What is your problem? You have no idea what andrew is going through. As they say, until you've walked a mile in his shoes.....

Berryvox said...

The above commenters might be right. (Except Anonymous. (S)he sounds like somebody who has no comprehension of what severe mental illness is like.) You did just have a change in meds. It may be that Zyprexa just isn't working for you. But, also psych meds can take time to work. How much time?I don't know.

This IS The Fun Part! said...

I'm afraid I agree with those who are saying to talk to your doctor. You have somehow gotten out of balance somewhere.

It's not unusual for you to feel like this - but not for this long! It's your shrink. Call him and see what can be done. Dad isn't having to live inside your head! He'll just have to do what the doctor says if changes are made.

Tell him I said so!! Yeah, like he'll be impressed with that! LOL!

Love,
Grannie

Summer said...

Call your doctor in the morning. Whatever he did to change your meds isn't working. You don't have to suffer. Please call.

Beth said...

Ditto, ditto to calling your doc. Side effects can be devastating and NOT WORTH continuing to take the meds. There are so many others out there that may work for you. CALL, please, for your sake.

Lottie said...

The concerned 'anonymous' writer is an idiot that has NO IDEA what it's like to live with severe mental illness. JERKOFF... find someplace else to wreak havoc...

Andrew, I sure hope you made a phone call to your doctor today. Only they know the best course of action. There is no reason to suffer... reach out for help. You just recently had a change in meds and it takes time for things to work... I know you know this, and I'm preaching to the choir. Hang in there, my friend... I'm thinking about you and praying for you to find some peace and SOON!

mommy2twogirls said...

Please call your doctor and feel better soon! I want to see the happy, go lucky Andrew back blogging and telling funny stories.
Take Care!
-L

Anonymous said...

There sure is some prob with ur new meds....go back to ur earlier ones...but YES see ur Doc first!
Hope & pray that u feel better soon...
Take care of urself...
From,
India

Sharon said...

Ignore that anonymous creep, they need to just go away.Like everyone else said, call the doctor, that's what they get paid for. Or, if your phone anxiety won't allow you to call, ask your Mom or Helen or Charlie or someone to help you. There's a difference between unnecessary drama and seeking help for a medical condition. Obviously something isn't working properly for you, and you have every right to question it. Take good care of yourself.

Jane said...

yeah, what the Professor said!

plus i think you should call the doc.