I went to bed early this morning at 7am and awoke at 1pm and couldn’t go back to sleep. I was so, so disappointed. I walked into the den and started up a Coast to Coast AM show from last year and then put some bread in the toaster for lunch. I so wanted to sleep the day away, but to no avail. Once I am up, I am up. Maybe I will take a long nap later. I do hope so. I wish I was like Maggie and could sleep on a whim. Maggie’s on the bed enjoying the cool air from the fan on the floor. It is eighty degrees in here – just like I like it. I was hoping to sleep through that tough period I experience from around lunch till 7pm. Sometimes you just don’t win the prize or bring home the bacon.
I can feel that anxiety creeping in despite taking my Klonopin after awaking. I let the Klonopin dissolve in my mouth for a faster effect and crossed my fingers hoping for the best. I could’ve used two or three today. It is so disconcerting. It scares me to death. I am so afraid I am going to have one of my extreme, excruciating anxiety attacks. The whole deal just exacerbates upon itself. I feel so out of sorts. It is like this extreme knot in the pit of my stomach. I am hoping it will ease up later in the day as the day progresses like it normally does. It makes it hard to take satisfaction out of my usual and normal routines of the day. I can’t get situated or comfortable. I thought writing about it may help so excuse my whining. Why couldn’t I sleep all day??? I am so sorry for whining and complaining. I want to regale you all in good, positive tales. Not tales of woe. Things really are better when compared to a few weeks ago – the anxiety not near as extreme. I just don’t know what to do and feel better writing about it. My blog is like therapy for me.
Mom brings fast food and cokes this afternoon. It will be around 5pm when she arrives. She will blow her horn never getting out of the car and I will walk out to get the food and drinks. Maggie and I both look forward to that. It will break up the monotony of the day and I am hungry. I am out of groceries again – mom is just not buying me enough for me to get by on and I am doing so well on the bulimia front so I know I am not wasting food. I haven’t gained weight so I know I am not eating too much. Grocery day is tomorrow and I will have to get by on toasted mayonnaise sandwiches. That is all I have – mayonnaise and a loaf of bread. This being without money really, really sucks sometimes. I have four grocery stores in town and no way whatsoever to buy any food when I need it. In a softer, gentler world, I would flip burgers down at a fast food joint. Collect my paycheck every two weeks. Be independent and go about my life in a normal, more mainstream manner. Extended sanity would be the key to living this way.
Positive Thought for the Day…
I have to remind myself how far I’ve come. I was on the path to destruction. Within months without dad’s help, I would have been just another statistic. Another homeless mentally ill drunkard. The not drinking is hard, though. I miss it dearly. Dad says I have been mourning about it for years now. Today would be a prime candidate for getting drunk. Any day was a prime candidate for getting drunk to be explicitly honest. I have this insane urge to seek out feeling extra-normal and high be it Benadryl, caffeine, Klonopin, or beer. Let’s just be glad with my father’s help I am able to stay sober most days. I do think my life would be far worse off with the chaos alcoholism creates.
I have expressed weakness with this post so it will probably garner a nasty negative anonymous comment as usual.