Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Invigorated…

I have been invigorated with a new zest for life.  I thought yesterday that I am going to give Maggie a good ten years – that I could live life on the straight and narrow for her.   To give her a good life.   I ate a good breakfast and kept it down as far as the bulimia is concerned.   I am going to start walking again to control my weight.  I am getting back to going to my twelve step meetings.   We are going to turn around this slump I am in.

I have struggled deeply the past few days with those anxiety attacks I experience.  It has been nerve wracking.  I wanted to die so badly – anything for relief.  They are the most painful things I experience as far as my mental illness is concerned.   I wanted yesterday to take the couple of hundred dollars out of mom’s purse and drive to Nashville and begin sleeping in the rescue mission.   Maggie saved me from doing it.  I love her so much and I worried what would happen to her if I would do such a thing.  I wanted to escape my current life so badly. 

Today is a new day and a new start.  I just drove over to get my diet cokes and will take great solace out of having them.   I am going to work on my yard and get it cleaned up next.   Finish my painting.   And continue to walk everyday.  There is a good AA meeting at twelve and I am headed that way soon.  I can do amazing things when I set my heart to it and lets hope I can do this.   I badly need something positive in my life at the moment.  BADLY!   I am off to get ready for my meeting.  Wish me luck.  

11 comments:

jane said...

really happy to see this post! all the best to you.

jane

Diana said...

We ALL need something positive in our lives. We ALL need something to work toward. We all need goals, dreams, family and friends and God in our life. The ever searching for meaning to your life tells me you are still searching for your purpose. You keep trying though and you will be ok. Keep looking forward and you won't fall into a pit of dispair. I am truly hoping and praying for you. We all have struggles, yours just need extra medication and help from your family and that is OK. Best of luck to you.

Happyone :-) said...

It all sounds good! :-)

kristi said...

Best wishes to you Andrew!!

Leaking Moonlight said...

Lots and lots of luck to you, Andrew. But you do live with the gorgeous, super smart Maggie who adores you, and that is the surely the best kind of luck.

(And my own to-do list yesterday said "take nice care of the toys." It was a reminder that no matter what happened to me, I should focus on my doggies who are a gift of pure love.)

mago said...

Nashville again?
Youza ...

justLacey said...

Life in a rescue mission would be awful for a person with social anxiety. People coming and going all the time. Strangers everywhere and the noise would be terrible for you.

Anonymous said...

:)

From India

Tee said...

Andrew, youf little Maggie only has you to depend on to take care of her. Love her, take care of her, enjoy her. Don't even think about leaving her! She is your fur baby, so cherish her company and love.

mommy2twogirls said...

Hey! I don't want you to give up your life for the homeless life. But you better call if you ever come to Nashville for say a vacation! Maggie needs you!

mommy2twogirls said...

Hey! I will be your positive! I miss my college buddy!