I have been invigorated with a new zest for life. I thought yesterday that I am going to give Maggie a good ten years – that I could live life on the straight and narrow for her. To give her a good life. I ate a good breakfast and kept it down as far as the bulimia is concerned. I am going to start walking again to control my weight. I am getting back to going to my twelve step meetings. We are going to turn around this slump I am in.
I have struggled deeply the past few days with those anxiety attacks I experience. It has been nerve wracking. I wanted to die so badly – anything for relief. They are the most painful things I experience as far as my mental illness is concerned. I wanted yesterday to take the couple of hundred dollars out of mom’s purse and drive to Nashville and begin sleeping in the rescue mission. Maggie saved me from doing it. I love her so much and I worried what would happen to her if I would do such a thing. I wanted to escape my current life so badly.
Today is a new day and a new start. I just drove over to get my diet cokes and will take great solace out of having them. I am going to work on my yard and get it cleaned up next. Finish my painting. And continue to walk everyday. There is a good AA meeting at twelve and I am headed that way soon. I can do amazing things when I set my heart to it and lets hope I can do this. I badly need something positive in my life at the moment. BADLY! I am off to get ready for my meeting. Wish me luck.