Wednesday, June 23, 2010

He’s Looking Good…

“You look so good tonight,” my father told me affectionately as he sat on my couch.  “You would never know you were struggling mentally and internally.  Your eyes look so clear and bright.  A few weeks ago, they looked deathly and dim.”

“That’s the conundrum of mental illness,” I decreed. “That’s why it is so hard to diagnose.  You go into the ER for a severe anxiety attack and they don’t know what to do with you when all their tests come back that you are physically fit.”

“How is your anxiety?”

“I feel better tonight than I have in weeks,” I told him. “I don’t want this moment to end.”

Dad smiled and reached out to hold my hand.

“Good,” he said almost quietly as if he was relieved.  He turned his attention back to the Weather Channel that was droning endlessly about disaster on my television. 

We made it to the doctor.  The doctor prescribed me an extra Klonopin to take around lunch time when my anxiety hits the hardest.  Dad had mixed feelings about giving me that extra pill tonight.  He is going to have to trust me to take it prudently and as prescribed.  He can’t watch me swallow it the next day and thus save them up.  I think it will be an important step in us building trust between us again.  The ball is in my court.

We ended up eating at Hardee’s instead of Western Sizzlin’ earlier today.  We were both overjoyed when we learned they served breakfast until lunch and we could get our sausage and steak biscuits we so love. I got dad to order an extra sausage biscuit for Maggie which she just inhaled when we got home.

We got a big rain today and I was so relieved.  My lawn was parched.  I almost thought it was hailing the rain drops were so big and making such a clamor on the roof.  It didn’t last but thirty minutes, but it was thirty minutes of bliss for me.

Mom called tonight after dad had gotten home from our medication ritual.

“Your daddy says you are feeling really good tonight,” she said.

“Yes,” I replied with an air of relief in my voice. 

We didn’t talk but just a moment, but it was good hearing mom’s voice and her concern and love.  I’ve said it before, but my mother is one of the few people who gets me and understands me after her own trials and tribulations with mental illness.   


This IS The Fun Part! said...

What a wonderful, productive day! Hope this lunch pill does the trick for you. As you say, the ball is in your court - don't let yourself down. I have complete faith in you. If you think you're going to screw up, just write to us about it - - we'll set you straight!

We can be terrible nags, you know!


justLacey said...

The ball is in your court and I believe you can do the right thing. If you want more control in your life, the best thing you can do is to show that you can handle the small things.

Sheri said...

“That’s the conundrum of mental illness,”

A very true statement.

Sharon said...

How great that the doctor listened to you. I think from what you've told us that taking the extra pill in the middle of the day will keep you on an even keel. At least, we hope so. But if it doesn't, please let the doctor know, even if you have to have someone call him for you. Good luck, you'll get through this and we're here to help any way we can.

Hap Joy Free said...

just had a suggestion for you. Since you love the sound of rain, why dont you buy one of those CD's that has the sound of rain, thunderstorms etc. play it while feeling anxious and see if it doesnt help to soothe you?

give it a try, you may even be able to find some on youtube or downloadable online

KathyA said...

So glad your appointment went well. Nothing soothes like rain on the roof -- okay the hail is a little scary, but you get the idea! :)