Saturday, June 12, 2010

He Thought He Could…

“I just couldn’t make it dad,” I told my father on the phone this afternoon. “I sat down in the AA meeting hall and just panicked.  I had driven 16 miles to get there and just then drove 16 miles to home.  I couldn’t sit still.  The thought of having to sit an hour sent me reeling!  And all that material they read! Whew!”

“You just can’t do all of that,” dad said. “This ninety meetings in ninety days seems like too much.  That long drive must make you nervous.”

“I am so disappointed, though,” I replied. “I hate they no longer have daily meetings in town.”

“How many meetings do they have in town?” dad asked.

“Three. On Mondays, Thursdays, and Sundays.”

“You just go to those and forget the LaGrange meetings.  Don’t be like your mother and bite off more than you can chew.  You just go to the meetings in town and attend those online meetings you have been talking about.”

Dad then told me to come and get my medications.  He was watching the USA vs. England World Cup Match on TV.  Dad was pulling for England – always for the Queen.  I took my medications and was able to come home and sit for a change.  Sweet blissful sitting of the ass.  None of that constant pacing of the floor.  I wish I could get an I.V. drip of Klonopin.  My life certainly would be different.  


Sharon said...

Dad is right about not overdoing things. Just go a few times a week, you can still get the benefit of the meetings that you need to get. Then later if you feel you need more or are ready for more you can travel.

Andrew said...


Thanks for the comment!!! I try to do too much -- bite off more than I can chew as dad said like mom. I really can't afford to drive all that way everyday anyway. Online meetings and meetings in town it is. Thank you so much for taking time to help me with advice!

Jules said...

Evening Sir!! You're really doing great. And if you don't believe me, just read your blog a few pages back. You've made great strides in the last little while. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Now, go back to sitting on your ass :)

Anonymous said...

I think you pace the floor so much because you are trying to stave off critical thoughts about your decisions and situation. Thus you're fleeing from the calm and relaxation which would enable you to think about such things. For example, you are now all gaga excited about finding work, focusing only the upside of that endeavor. But what about the downside? Responsibities. Boss breathing down your neck. Punctuality. Dealing with diffult people while keeping your composure. Monotony. Daunting drawbacks,to be sure. Still seeking employment may be worth it if YOU DECIDE so after careful reflection in a peaceful enviroment . So turn off all that music and video and start thinking. How badly do you want to grow up? How much disappointment and embarrassment are you willing to endure to achieve your goals? How much frustration and hardship? Take a long hard look at the man in the mirror! Is he capable of great things? Mediocre things? Any meaningful contribution to society at all? YOU DECIDE because ONLY you know for sure.- SARGE

Andrew said...

SARGE, Thanks for the advice. I find it interesting that all my anonymous "helpers" are telling me to grow up. I worked for years. Hell, I drove a big rig for months and it was a grueling job. I have a commercial driver's license. I also find it alarming how negative a connotation people are putting on work. It sounds demeaning. Should I just stay on disability? I am crazy enough that I don't have to work. I just wanted to help myself and be independent -- a worthy goal for a man of my age don't ya think?

As far as the pacing of the floor goes, it is a medication and mental illness issue. It's like telling a cancer patient to suck it up and smile. You just need to think calm thoughts and you will be better. Hogwash! Just another one of the glaring stigmas of mental illness that shines forth at times.

Well, I'm off my soapbox. I did appreciate the advice although I don't agree with much of it.


Andrew said...


Thank you! You mean much to me! I just have to remember progress, not perfection. The perfectionist in me gets me every time!

Anonymous said...

You misunderstood me completely! My advice is NOT for you to think just calm thoughts but to think rigorously and critically in a CALM environment! Distractions just keep you from facing your poor adaptation to the adult world. I'm not knocking work! I just think that you can get so enthused,you neglect problem solving. From your writing , I conjecture that your schizophrenia is in remission now." Stir craziness" and " dependence on father" are NOT symptoms of the disease in dsm-iv. ROLF I fear you use your diagnosis and med side effects as cop-outs and excuses, reifying them as boogeymen you can blame your moral failings on! For instance, I find that your desire to put your dad through the ordeal of supervising your grooming every day as total HOGWASH laced with hostility! Why waste that busy man's time? Is it that you want to punish him ? A better solution would be to get spiffed up and have breakfast prepared BEFORE he arrives! That way, you two could have more " quality time " together. What do you think?-SARGE

Andrew said...

SARGE -- It is very hard to be congenial when I find your comments so judgemental. Nobody would ever tell a cancer patient that the lump in their breast was a "cop out." My schizophrenia is not in remission. It is just at a lessened state due to a new medication.

I don't desire for my father to come over here every morning to HELP me. It is demeaning for me. But he feels I needed help and I did. Isn't that what families are for -- to help each other? If your father with cancer needed help, would you not give it? Why not with a debilitating mental illness -- a disease of the brain and not a moral failing?