Sunday, June 20, 2010

Getting More Comfortable with Sanity…

I still struggle some, but it’s getting better – much better.  I had periods yesterday where the anxiety would well up, but then dissipate after I would lie down for a bit.  I have to be so careful of all stimuli around me that affect me.  I also had a few experiences with severe giddiness and euphoria that almost turned into anxiety attacks with me getting so excited at feeling so good.  It is intoxicating to feel such a way after weeks of dire, suicidal, and morose feelings.  I would have to lie down then as well and calm down.  It’s a shaky stasis, but I do feel I am doing well and getting better.  Let’s do hope so.  I went through such a devastating period for a few weeks back where I lost the will to even live.  My whole life was in one insane disarray.  I didn’t want to get out of bed and face my life as it was then.  All I wanted to do was just die to escape the pain and torment that can be my illness. 

I was overjoyed at two episodes of Bones on WGN out of Chicago last night.  They were out of sequence, though, so I was kind of lost for a moment. I lay in the bed watching them trying to calm down from one of my episodes of severe euphoria and giddiness.  I have completely fallen in love with that show.  I checked out all the torrents for the show online and they have all 5 seasons available on all the major torrent websites.  I am having to resist downloading them not to violate copyright law.  I will just ask for them on DVD for Christmas. I will eventually see them all on commercial TV as well, but it’s hard to wait!

“We’re all crazy in our own way,” Charlie told me last night during our medication ritual. “Some of us just don’t admit to it.”

I smiled and it made me feel better about my own insanity.  Charlie has a good way with words and an interesting outlook on life.  Charlie had brought my medications with dad being out of town for father’s day festivities for which I wasn’t invited.  It is a unwritten rule that I don’t ask Charlie where dad was and what he was doing.  It will cause a moment of extreme uncomfortableness as Charlie will feel the need to lie about dad’s whereabouts.  It made me feel so sad that such things must be hidden from me, the mentally ill son.  Maybe I am just being paranoid as I have a tendency to do.  Don’t always think the worst Andrew! 

Charlie and I watched Hyacinth Bucket’s antics on Keeping Up Appearances on Georgia Public Television last night.  We both love these “britcoms” as GPTV calls them.   Charlie laughed and laughed and it was contagious.  I found myself chuckling as well even though I had seen this episode probably 10 times.

“I am bringing your medications tomorrow,” Charlie told me as the episode ended.  “We will go to Arby’s and get the #19 special again in the afternoon.”

I so look forward to that.  That sandwich is delicious.  It will be good to spend time with my “uncle”.

I pray today is a good day mentally.  I start out so well in the mornings – feeling sublime.  I can take such satisfaction just out of living and that is amazing for me for I was always such a morose and depressed individual.  I feel as if I can take on the whole world the few hours after waking.  It is like the eye of the hurricane or the calm before the storm. If I could just carry this feeling throughout the day then the quality of my life would be vastly improved. 


Anonymous said...

Try out a 'Trial Subscription' to Netflix. You can order virtually any movie or TV show that is on DVD. You decide which movies you want. They pay the postage and when you are finished watching the movie, drop it in the mailbox and once they receive it (usually the next day) they will send out the next movie in your queue.

This IS The Fun Part! said...

Have you tried Check it out. Free movies and tv online - completely legal - no worries about copywrite, etc. I haven't checked for Bones - - but they've got tons of shows. I've used it several times with no problem.

Enjoy the turkey sammich this afternoon!

Love ya,

Nell Jean said...

Look at your father's trip out of town this way: Most weeks you see him 7 days. His other children and grandchildren should be able to enjoy having his undivided attention for an occasional weekend.

You might feel resentment if he insisted that you go with him.

Beth said...

Love; have friends who adore Netflix. Do check them out.

And Nell Jean is right, I think. Your dad is also well aware of your social phobias, and you may not be invited to travel to family things because he knows it would make you so uncomfortable and twitchy to go - sometimes family can be every bit as hard to handle as going to Walmart. He may be doing you a kindness to let you be and not to feel obligated to come along and perhaps have a very uncomfortable time (which in turn can make the rest of the family uncomfortable for you).

Perhaps when your siblings visit locally, if they do, you might go see them for a while, but you have the option to go home when you get to feeling uncomfortable.


Cheryl said...

Did you carry the feeling? I'm glad to hear your happy. One day at a time and you'll be there. I'll be writing tomorrow. See you then.

KathyA said...

I love Hyacinth and all her flower-named sisters. Poor Richard!

You're doing well. Hang in there.