I slept from 5am to 2pm – enjoying Coast to Coast AM despite the sports topic. I am slowly working back into my nocturnal schedule. I hope to be able to sleep the whole day away soon while my medication levels are at their lowest foregoing the pain and mental anguish I experience at these times. I worried with Berryvox’s suggestions and warnings about staying up all night, but there is nothing to see in this town and I won’t have appointments for many more weeks until Vocational Rehabilitation starts. I wish it could be as simple as asking dad to let me take my medications in the morning, but I am afraid to ask – I am afraid of him and how he may react.
Charlie is cutting my grass today. He has an arrangement with my father where my father pays to have his yard cut and Charlie cuts mine to compensate. I felt kind of badly I couldn’t help Charlie today. That old anxiety nemesis is rearing it’s ugly head until I took my medications. We are going to get Arby’s soon and a drink and I look forward to it. I dearly, dearly love Charlie. He is like an uncle to me. I love spending time with him. My father seems to attract good people in his life and Charlie is one of the best. They have been best friends for 30+ years.
Dad was looking at a tape of my sister’s wedding from 2004 when I drove over to get my medications. He has grown very sick with either a cold or the flu. He was in a surly mood, but I understood and didn’t take it personally belying my usual reaction. I lay on the couch as my medications took affect. Mom’s cat thought I was the most fascinating creature she had ever encountered as I lay there. She loved on me and sniffed every inch of me. Mom was sitting reading a book and was very quiet. I grew worried about her – internalizing that she may be mad at me. She didn’t say three words while I was there. Dad and her must have been arguing and I interrupted.
I’ve been trying to be my more open about my dilemma on Facebook. It is scary, though, this revealing of my mental illness and alcoholism. I have so many people reading from my real life. So far I have been met with lackluster results – what more could I expect? Such things scare people I think and we all so carefully guard our foibles. We live in such a competitive society that any weakness is considered a no-no – at least talking about them in an open forum and admitting to them. My best inclination was to help others – to be an advocate. If I could just reach one person suffering then I would have done an amazing thing helping another. Service to others is the cornerstone of AA. I was thinking alone the lines of “The Homeless Guy” and his advocacy for the homeless on Facebook and what he has been able to do with his life.
Feelings? I feel okay now after taking my medications. It is amazing how much they help me. I sometimes worry I am addicted to them no less than being addicted to the high of alcohol. Earlier, I was antsy and stir crazy. I took my medications and I am calm – able to focus, write, and use the computer. Beforehand, I could only lay in the bed and toss and turn trying to get comfortable and trying to ease my uneasy mind. This was broken with attempts to pace the floor, but I was so tired today and just couldn’t walk much. It had been 24 hours since I had last taken my medications.
I have a speaker AA meeting at 7am in Town a walk from my house. The old timers are cooking a meal beforehand. Tacos. Usually, I would shy away from such an intimate setting, but am going anyway. I am more into AA than I have been in my whole life. I’ve gotten serious about it and just want a good life. They say you must go to any lengths to obtain your sobriety just like you would go to any lengths to get a drink. This desire to get better is amazingly overcoming my usual socially phobic tendencies. I may be sleepy and slumping, but I am usually sitting in a meeting online or real world.