Wednesday, June 2, 2010


I am afraid to leave the computer.  I haven’t felt well for days and now I am feeling well.  I associate this with sitting in front of the computer, drinking my diet cokes, and listening to a Coast to Coast AM from after Christmas last year.   I don’t want this feel good moment to change AT ALL!  I have felt so terrible!  I don’t want this to end!


Jenn said...

Glad you're feeling better! I don't envy you your struggles with being mentally ill. Have a great day :)

PipeTobacco said...


Glad to see you up and about and feeling pleasant! With the feelings and emotions you have at the moment, try to "Seize the Day!" so to speak... do something for yourself that is creative and fun and will give you joy!

And buy some pipe tobacco and dig out your pipe! It is more enjoyable than cigarettes. :)


Beth said...

Everything changes, Jonathon. Nothing stays the same. That's why we strive to live in the moment, to savor the good times and to have faith that the bad ones will not stay that way for long. That's the whole one-day-at-a-time philosophy.

Are you talking to your psych doc about your side effects? You can call him, you know, without involving your father. He is YOUR doctor.

Keep your goals to things you can do, one step at a time. Do not fall into the all-or-nothing trap that you, by your own admission, are prone to do.

If Maggie gives you the will to make things change, to keep on trying to get better, that's great. She loves you unconditionally, and there is nothing more powerful than that.

Blessings to you. Hang in there.

Matt said...


A "Higher Power" does not mean God. A "Higher Power" is anything that you feel deserves your commitment to being well and sober more than drinking means to you. Perhaps fate, luck, or just cosmic coincidence as put you and Maggie together. She needs you as much as you need her and she can be your "Higher Power" for now.

Just don't base your entire life sobriety on her as she will "leave' one day. Give her and yourself the best life possible for now. You have already given her more than she could ever have hoped for and she in-turn has given you more than you thought you could have.

If she can get you sober and functioning in her lifetime, then she has provided you with a gift no one else could give you and you have given her a life more than she could have expected. A truly symbiotic relationship that has improved both of your lots in life.

Keep your head up and when the dark times come, and they always do, remember how you feel when life is good and what has made life good for you. It is easy to run during the "dark times" but they never last forever, unless you let them.

I also have panic attacks, but a panic attack has never killed anyone, unfortunately the medicine they give you to treat it kills people all the time. Focus on the knowledge that when it is bad it can't really hurt you, only you can hurt you.

I infer that you are a scientifically minded individual such as myself. When my attacks hit I mentally tell myself that this is just a period of time, that nothing is actually wrong with me, it will pass as it always does, and that there is NO CHANCE it will kill me. Once the logic sets in, you can tame them and not medicate, or self medicate them.

I am not telling you to never take your Klonopin (for me xanax) but use it as a tool to overcome and not a cure for what ails you. You are a good man, a good son, and a great "Dad" for Maggie. Your conditions can only change that if you let them. Stay strong and give George, his Mom, and Maggie my best.

justLacey said...

I find tv and the computer take my mind off of what ails me. Maybe that is why you are feeling better. It is a distraction.