Monday, May 31, 2010

Got Gas???

“Have you got gas?” my mother just called and asked very seriously.

All I could think of was intestinal gas and started to laugh giddily – never letting a good bathroom joke pass me by.

“Thankfully, no,” I replied. “I don’t have gas.”

“Not that kind of gas, silly!!!” mom exclaimed. “Your father is going to fill up his car and I thought you might need gasoline as well.”

I met dad at Fat Albert’s.  He was surly and serious.

“I am worried about you,” he said. “This bulimia deal is driving me nuts!!!”

It pissed me off.  There is always some kind of drama involving me and my father and it gets old.  I quietly got in my car and drove home without getting gas.  Dad called me on his cellphone.

“What happened???” he asked cluelessly. 

“I am tired of that kind of shit every time I see you,” I replied.  “I am tired of these emotional and mental games you play with me.  I came home to go back to bed.”

He hung up the phone and I am going back to bed. 

This and That…

  • Lately, I tend to sleep for twenty hours and am awake for about four.  It is not the life I envisioned for myself.   The symptoms of my schizophrenia are controlled, but I am too sleepy to enjoy the experience. 
  • Late in the day, I pick out a CD from my collection and ride around in my car as I smoke and listen to it.  The driving tends to keep me alert and awake.  
  • Maggie has adjusted to our new schedule quite well – content to sleep her days away.  
  • Charlie brought Maggie and I ribeye steaks last night.  It was a nice and much needed treat.  Helen cooked cubed steak Friday and it was also nice.  I am still eating the pan of biscuits she cooked especially for me.  I toast them in my toaster oven with lots of butter. 
  • My father keeps talking of putting me in a “home” for people who are mentally ill.  I finally got tired of hearing it and abruptly told him to hush.  “I am a grown man and you can’t put me in a home against my will unless I am deemed mentally incompetent!”   He would have put my mother in a home years ago if he could have gotten away with it which reassures me that these are idle threats to “keep me inline”. 
  • The Zyprexa keeps me ravenously hungry.  I went through all my groceries in just a few days this week.  This reignites my tendency to practice bulimia to keep from getting fat again.   This has been a source of contention between dad and I this week.  I had to ask for extra food yesterday. 
  • I get a new letter in the mail from George almost daily.  Sadly, I have been terrible about writing back.  I know how much written mail means to someone in jail.  Mrs. Florene has told me she has also been remiss at writing back. 
  • I have only been on the Internet twice since last Monday.  I have completely lost all zest for the medium. 
  • I have been recording lots of TV shows for later viewing.  I am especially interested in the series on “Hoarders” on the Discovery Health channel. 
  • The weather here lately has been a weather lover’s dream such as myself.  We are in a pattern with lots of thunderstorms in the afternoons during the heating of the day.   I always seem to be in bed, though, as these storms erupt.   Damn good sleeping weather.  

Monday, May 24, 2010

This and That…

  • I refused to take my Zyprexa last night.  Sadly, I fear dad is only worried about medications that will make me more malleable and controllable.   My mother and I are easier to handle when we are sleeping all the time.  I don’t want to live the rest of my life in a drowsy haze or funk.  I would rather be crazy and deal with the symptoms of mental illness.  So were are back to square one again and have a doctor’s appointment for Wednesday morning.   Dad was irate last night throwing about all sorts of insinuations and threats.  I wouldn’t budge. 
  • I started painting last night.  The outside will wait until we get some sub ninety degree days.  I am currently painting all this natural looking pine trim in my home.  I hate the way it looks.   Charlie was dismayed at my decision to do this.  He thinks this pine trim is one of the better aspects of my home’s interior.   I think it looks ugly and dated.
  • While I slept all last week, I hung heavy, thick curtains in my back bedroom.  Dad began calling it the “cave”.  This is Maggie’s new favorite spot to snooze during the day.  It is quiet, cool, and dark.  
  • In a strange twist of events, dad actually told me to stop going to AA.  He thought it was too much pressure on me.  He told this to my psychiatrist last week and Dr. K got wide eyed.  “He just can’t do all that!” he told the doctor.

An Army of Action…

There was an army of action over at my parent’s house this morning.  J.W. was working in the backyard gathering downed pecan tree limbs.  Chemlawn was spraying the front yard for weeds and fertilizing it.  Helen was cleaning the basement.  Reed’s lawn service was cutting my late grandmother’s lawn. 

“How did dad get you to do such a arduous task today?” I asked Helen.

“He’s paying me forty extra dollars to do it!” she replied with a smile.

Helen was whistling as she swept the basement floor.  I headed straight to one of the fridges downstairs to get two extra drinks that were cold. 

“What did you think of my fried chicken Friday?” Helen asked.

“I could eat a whole fried chicken of yours it was so delicious,” I told her.

Helen got the biggest smile on her face.  She was beaming with pride.  I gathered my drinks and left.  I was very keen on getting home to get on the computer while I drank my diet colas. 

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Some Things Going On…

  • I vehemently tried to warn my father and doctor that going on Zyprexa would cause me to be so drowsy I couldn’t function.  I have stayed in the bed for a week – so drowsy I could barely keep my eyes open.   Some of that initial drowsiness had started to wear off.   I feel as if I have rejoined the land of the living.  I personally want to try some of the newer anti-psychotics like Geodon and Abilify.  
  • I began today with plans to paint the outside and inside of my house.   Dad and I are going soon to the hardware store to buy paint, drop cloths, ladders, and brushes.   I am very excited about this new goal of mine.  Dad said if I would paint, then he would fund it.  I already have the colors in mind.  Bone white for all the pine trim inside and a nice dark tan for the outside which is currently a faded grey.  I am extremely afraid of heights so it will be interesting me getting up on the ladder to paint the back of the house. 
  • Today is one of the first times I have been on the internet in a week.  I expected a lot of blog posts to eagerly read written by my friends.  Sadly, it seems everyone was like me and have been quiet. 
  • I have a week’s worth of Coast to Coast AM shows to listen to.  I will listen to them as I paint the trim on the inside. 
  • Mom was very alarmed when I quit coming over every morning at 4am or 5am to get my Cokes.   She has been hand delivering them everyday.  
  • The Zyprexa made me ravenously hungry and I have consumed all the food in my house.  I have one frozen meal to last me until Wednesday.  

Monday, May 17, 2010

This and That…

  • I woke up to the wonderful sound of rain falling.  The first thing I did was open my porch door and stand at the threshold listening.  It was a very humid, but wonderful night.   Maggie decided this was a good time to sit on the porch and bark, spoiling the wonderful sound of rain falling. 
  • “Mom?  How could I talk dad into buying me a new stereo receiver with HDMI inputs and outputs?” I asked last night on the phone.  “You could tell him the one you have is broken and you can’t live without one!” mom replied.  I laughed it was so dastardly and conniving.  “Mom!” I exclaimed.  “I didn’t know you could be so diabolical!”
  • I drove over at 5am this morning to get my six diet Cokes.   As usual, they were sitting on mom and dad’s porch in a plastic sack.  A note inside read, “Don’t drink them all at once.  You will get a panic attack!”  I drove home and drank them all at once just like a crack addict on cocaine.
  • This morning I will call dad and remind him very vehemently about my camera SD card reader.  Hopefully, he will get Tricia to order it today.  I am sorely missing my camera.   
  • A goal today is to get over to mom and dad’s this morning to raid their pantry and fridge for food.  I am completely out of food at home and it is still several days away from grocery day.  Some of Helen’s leftover spaghetti would hit the spot.   I would also like some more of dad’s vegetable beef soup.  Maybe I can get Helen to cook me a big pan of cornbread today if she is not too busy. 
  • This morning’s Coast to Coast AM was about the war on drugs.  Yawn.  I wanted something a little more fantastical and unbelievable to scoff at while I listened. 
  • Maggie had to pee something terribly while it was raining earlier.  She came back in looking like a wet rat.  I had to police her to make sure she didn’t use the bed as a towel.  She is currently preening on the back of the couch. 
  • Thankfully, no long calls from Mrs. Florene last night.  I dread her calls like the plague as I am stuck on the phone for such a long time and it is extremely uncomfortable.  I abhor the phone, period.  I would do without one if it were not for mom obsessing over being able to reach me.   
  • It is 6am and the first light of dawn is on the horizon.  My, have the days grown so long.   I wonder when then the summer solstice arrives.  I can’t be far off. 
  • “The Homeless Guy” wrote a post this morning about questioning the veracity of homeless advocates – basically about most homeless advocates being full of shit.   But if you question him, he will delete your comment!  What gives?

Two More Klonopin Please?

I was laying on mom and dad’s couch yesterday.  I wasn’t feeling good.  Mom was tiresomely asking me one hundred questions as my heart beat furiously in my chest.  I was trying to calm down.  I was on the verge of a panic attack.   Dad was in the kitchen cooking vegetable beef soup and cornbread.   In a few moments, Charlie walked inside the kitchen door to eat with us. 

“You look terrible,” Charlie said as he rubbed my hair.  “Is their anything I could do for you?”

“Buy me a six pack of ice beer,” I said jokingly. “I would forget what ails me.”

Charlie laughed.  You could hear dad laugh in the kitchen as he said, “No beer for you silly!”

“Seriously, though,” I told Charlie. “Tell dad to give me two more Klonopin to take.  I badly need them right now.  I fear the two I took is not enough to stop this attack.”

“Johnny?” my mother said. “Give Andrew two more Klonopin!”

A few moments later, Charlie walked into the den with two pills in his hand. 

“Don’t say I never did anything for you,” Charlie said handing me two more Klonopin. 

You could hear the feel good police, dad, grumble from within the kitchen.

It took thirty minutes, but then I was feeling as right as rain.  I put on my shoes.  Dad fixed me a bowl of soup.  And I drove home.   I was in the bed at eight and slept until four this morning.   It literally takes an act of Congress for me to get extra medications for when I am feeling ill.   And I am prescribed these extra medications just for these events.  

Sunday, May 16, 2010

This and That…

  • Mrs. Florene giving me a big Tupperware container of cheese straws was a bad idea.   I can’t quit eating them.  They are so delicious and delightfully spicy.  She is such a wonderful cook.
  • We have an eighty percent chance of storms today.   I am so excited.  Can’t wait for some thunder and torrential rain.
  • Mom called me three times yesterday worried about my father.  He never showed up after work.  It was almost eleven when he arrived at my house for our medication ritual.  He said he had a wedding to go to and then a good customer called and needed his help.   I noticed dad was driving his truck yesterday.  His Honda must have been getting serviced.  The BMW X5 is only driven on special occasions. 
  • As I had feared, dad had forgotten to order the SD card reader for my camera and computer.  “I’ve just been so busy with the first of the month,” he told me.   I was sorely disappointed.   He assured me he would order it Monday.
  • “The Homeless Guy” is back to writing his blog.  I am overjoyed at having interesting new posts to read.  I often disagree with him, but find him a fascinating creature.   I worry he is going to be homeless again most likely.  In the past two years of having an apartment, he has done nothing to assure he will have a place to stay once his current charity runs out. 
  • I hope it starts storming soon so I can procrastinate further about mowing my lawn.  It is my least favorite task of home ownership. 
  • I am still having the most vibrant and vivid dreams – dreams where I wake up almost out of breath they are so realistic.   

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Accosted…

“Excuse me, sir!  Excuse me, sir!”  A very strange looking black fellow hollered my way as I walked out of Kroger a moment ago. I was bored and went to survey this week’s Blu-Ray disc offerings – planning to get mom to get me a few more movies on grocery day.   The fellow sped up and began to walk beside me.  “Will you buy me some sandwich bread and some bologna?”

“You don’t want money?” I asked, surprised.

“I am just hungry,” he replied. “I haven’t eaten in a month.”

I didn’t believe he hadn’t eaten in a month, but he did look destitute.   His eyes were bloodshot red revealing he had spent a night either drinking or using drugs.  Just take my word for it. 

“Man,” I said. “You picked the most penniless white guy in town to ask for help.”

He looked at me strangely.   From the car I drove and the clothes I was wearing, I looked like I would have some money.  Appearances can certainly be deceiving. 

“You’re shitting me!” he said.

“I would love to buy you and I both some food,” I replied. “I want to buy some movies myself.”

“Damn,” the guy said looking confused.  “Everybody is cheap in this town.  Not one person has helped me this morning.”

I felt terrible for the guy, but there was little I could do.  I told him that persistence pays off and soon he would get something to eat.  I am almost tempted to make some ham sandwiches, wrap them in aluminum foil, and carry them back to the guy.  

This and That…

  • My mother called me last night after dad had left completing our medication ritual.  “How are you feeling?” she asked.  “I am having some trouble adjusting to these new medications,” I replied.  “I did get dad to give me two extra Klonopin to take.”  Mom was astonished dad would do that.  “He must be really worried about you!” she exclaimed.   I took 4mg of Klonopin and slept from 8pm last night to 7am this morning.  It was some much needed rest.  I still feel shaky this morning though.  Not too bad, but I am scared it is going to be a mentally interesting day.
  • I just drove over to get my six diet Cokes for the day.  The humidity here is so thick you can almost cut it with a knife.  Even the inside of my house feels humid.  I am very cold natured and am debating on whether to turn the air conditioning on or not.  I will probably be the only man in town sitting inside in a warm pullover and long pants on a hot spring day today.  The air conditioning will remove the humidity, but will make me very cold.  I am extremely cold natured. 
  • We have a chance of rain and storms today.   That will keep me busy watching the Weather Now channel.  I get so excited at any deviation from the weather norms.
  • I am currently listening to Coast to Coast AM shows from January this year.  I can sit in my lazy boy and listen all day.  I love that show despite most of it being a tad bit too fantastical.  I just finished a show this morning discussing leprechauns, unicorns, pixies, and elves.  The guest firmly believed they are real.  I had a smile of disbelief on my face as I listened.  
  • I completely rearranged the furniture in my den and it threw Maggie for a loop.   She has just now settled down on the couch for the morning across from me sleeping.  I like being able to look over at her as she sleeps.  It is comforting.  I still say the best thing dad has done for me in years was to bring me Maggie when she was a puppy.  I think all mentally ill people should have companion pets if they are responsible with their well being and upkeep.  
  • Mrs. Florene is cooking cheese straws for a church luncheon today.  She called me last night and said she is doubling the recipe to bring me a big container of them.  I love cheese straws especially if they are spicy.   Mrs. Florene assured me she would add some extra cayenne and Tabasco to the second batch just for me. 
  • My weight this morning was 183.   I have lost 4 pounds since my last p-doc appointment.  I just haven’t been that hungry for the last few days and have been skipping meals.   Do you think this has something to do with me feeling mentally interesting?   I worry it does. 
  • Helen’s spaghetti supper was wonderful.   She brought me by my plate around four.  She used a small amount of chili powder in her spaghetti sauce and I was pleasantly surprised when I took that first bite.  It was delicious.  I especially loved the Caesar salad.   Helen added such things as boiled eggs, grated parmesan cheese, and lots of croutons.    
  • I have a DTS (digital theater surround) disc of a thunderstorm and I listen to it off and on throughout the day.  I will close my eyes and it will almost put me to sleep.  You feel as if you are sitting in a living room of someone’s home as a thunderstorm rages outside.  With my surround sound system, you can hear the storm approach from the West, move overhead, and then die off to the East.  It is fascinating.    

Friday, May 14, 2010

Life’s Little Punctuations…

I sometimes wonder why I still write a blog.  My life is rather, or I should say, very boring these days.  Long gone are the days spent drinking down at the shopping center with George and the gang.   It’s life’s little punctuations that keep me writing I think.

One punctuation today was mom’s uncanny second sense about the level of paper towel and toilet paper I have in the house.  I ran out of both today and, low and behold, mom came by with a backseat full of both.

“How did you know I was out?” I asked her amazed at the second sense ability she has about that.

Well, this gets Maggie excited.  I get excited at seeing my mother – any break in the monotony that can be my and Maggie’s day is like candy to a kid.  We all have a good time during the delivery of such sundry items.   The excitement is similar to when George would bring me Cokes after a night of work as a surprise.   I would also get excited when George would sit with me as he got drunk and I could “drink” very vicariously through  his morning after-work ritual.   I always knew when we hit the ninth ice beer as George would begin to slur his words.  

Today, I want to go to Wal-Mart for home theater cables.   I said to mom, “Let me know if you go to Wal-Mart in the next few weeks as I want to go!”   This usually means it will be on the forefront of my mother’s mind as she gets her hair fixed today.   She will often drive back over to pick me up to “get it over with.”  Heh!  I hope so.  It’s these little punctuations that make my life so interesting these days in a sea of blandness that can be my everyday existence.   I get to “play” for a few short hours with the darling of my heart these days, my home theater. 

Well, I am off to shake the dew off my lily ergo take a pee.  It seems the six diet Cokes I just drank and that made me very chilly on a ninety degree day have passed on and are ready to be let loose again in another form.   Excuse me while I take a leave of absence from this blog post. 

Enter The Helen…

Helen just called me.  I was busy hanging curtains in my bedroom to make the room dark for Maggie to sleep during the day. 

“What do you want for supper, baby?” Helen asked. “Your daddy didn’t leave me a list today.”

I thought for a long second.  I have been craving a spaghetti supper, but dad’s words that Helen doesn’t cook well with recipes was in the back of my mind.

“Helen?  Do you ever cook spaghetti?” I asked.

“Sure sweetheart,” she said. “My son loves my spaghetti.”

“Cook that, some toasted garlic French bread, and a Caesar salad.”

“That sounds good!” Helen exclaimed as she then told me she was heading to the grocery store.

I haven’t done much today.  I got up at four as is my usual custom and listened to the tail end of Coast to Coast AM.   I was back in the bed around five and slept until ten.   I am now waiting on my diet Cokes to get cold in the freezer before I imbibe.   It is supposed to be really hot today – around ninety degrees.  This will keep me and Maggie inside I am sure.  

This and That…

  • I used to sit in front of the computer for hours every day.  That has changed.  I have grown bored with the Internet.  My computer is now merely a blogging machine and a way to periodically check the NWS website for the weather. 
  • I was recently overjoyed when I realized my Wii will accept a standard USB keyboard.   I now exclusively use my Wii to browse blogs during the day as I listen to the radio.  
  • I was also recently overjoyed when I realized my Wii will play all my old GameCube games.  I am currently having fun with Super Mario Sunshine. 
  • Mrs. Florene called last night and talked for thirty minutes.   She has decided to buy her sister’s half of her mother’s property they own together.  She doesn’t want to sell it as her sister is insisting they do.  I tried my hardest to feign interest in the topic at hand, but I was dozing off pretty badly last night. 
  • Paranoia stuck badly last night.  I fear my father is lying to me about the computer part I need to get my camera working.  He assures me he got Tricia at the pharmacy to order it, but I fear he is just saying that to placate me.   He has done this before so it is not unprecedented.  I could tell my mother about the part and get her involved.  Dad would be angry, but I assure you the part would be here in a matter of days with mom nagging dad constantly.   As I’ve said before, my mother hates for me to have to do without and will go to great lengths to correct this.   I can’t get too angry at dad because I inherited his strong tendency to procrastinate.  Why do today when you can put it off till morrow?
  • Supper last night was a Lean Cuisine meal – chicken in peanut sauce.   I find myself heavily salting these Lean Cuisine meals as they can taste so bland.  I guess I am defeating the health benefits of eating these meals they so tout in their commercials.  I love the Lean Cuisine Asian selection of meals though.   My before bed snack was a handful of Cheeze-its.   Lots more salt in my diet.    Cheeze-its are a snack I just about can’t put down or stop eating.   Maggie will not eat them, though, strangely. 
  • I am experiencing this extreme feeling of uneasiness and restlessness with the Haldol I am taking.   It started yesterday.   I asked dad last night if we need to call my p-doc, but he insisted we wait another week to see how I do.  I have a strong aversion to feeling uncomfortable so this is hard for me to do.  There is much talk by dad of putting me on Zyprexa again, but I told him firmly last night I wouldn’t take it.  I don’t want to get fat again and sleep my life away.   His reasoning is that my mother does so well on it and we should genetically have similar brain chemistry.  I try to tell him he is not a doctor nor my doctor for that matter.
  • The meter reader came yesterday and Maggie barked for two hours straight.   She was a coward yesterday and ran inside barking when he entered the fence.  Usually, she is nipping at his heels.  I try to anticipate him coming and have told him to knock on the door so I can get her inside.  
  • I really want to go to Wal-Mart to buy more cables for my home theater.  I want two optical digital cables (in and out) for my minidisc deck player.  They are expensive at about $12 dollars a piece.   I also need more RCA component cables to complete all my hookups.  
  • Dad remarked last night how clean my house was.   “It is a direct barometer of how well you are doing,” he told me.  I worry my house smells like stale cigarette smoke, but dad assured me it was a pleasant smell akin to the way his childhood home always smelled when he was growing up.  His father was a heavy smoker.  
  • I reinstated all my digital cable channels with a quick call to the cable company yesterday.   I have about a month of guilt free viewing until dad gets the next cable bill.  I fear he is going to get angry with me for doing this.  I want to get adamant that it is my money and I should have some say in how it is spent.   I am still marveling at the picture quality and sound of HDTV.   It just doesn’t get old to have 5.1 Dolby digital sound with my favorite television shows like Law and Order.  

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Two Peas in a Pod…

“What day is today?” my mother just called and asked.

I love these calls.  It always makes me chuckle.  Mom isn’t about to ask dad what day it is because he will think she is taking too much of her Xanax. 

“Well,” I replied. “I am not exactly sure.  We are not doing so well, are we?”

With me not working, all my days seem to run together as well.

“Your father was off yesterday so it must be Thursday,” mom told me.

“Is that a good thing?” I asked.

“Yes,” mom said with a sigh of relief. “I have nothing to do today, but lie in the bed.  I am going to rest all day.”

“Did you sleep well?” mom then asked.

“Mom, I am having the most vivid using dreams,”  I replied. “I dreamed y’all were chasing me trying to get my beer away from me.”

“We’ve actually had to do that before in real life, ya know?”

I burst out laughing.  Yes, I’ve had the beer police after me a few times in life.  My parents are doggedly determined for me not to go back to life of alcoholism I lived for years. 

“Who’s that?” I asked as I could hear someone else talking in the room.

Mom let out a loud sigh.

“Helen wants to change my sheets.”

“I’ll let you go,” I said with a smile.

It must be a hard life if your Thursday of rest is interrupted by your maid wanting to wash and change your sheets.  You would think the Pope asked mom to say twenty hail Mary’s the way mom blew into the phone.   I love my mother.  We are a lot alike. 

This and That…

  • I am adjusting to my new medications quite well.  Dad told me not to get my hopes up as it make take several weeks to get acclimated to this new medication regimen.   It seems I had grown resistant to the extremely high levels of Risperdal I was taking.   We had to go back to square one and start over. 
  • I am on a decaf coffee kick right now.  I drink decaf coffee throughout the day.   Nothing tastes better than a cigarette and a cup of coffee.  Don’t berate me for writing that and feeling that way.
  • Maggie and I are still walking one mile everyday despite my doctor’s strong urgings just to stay home and rest. 
  • My biggest side effect of my new medications is extreme drowsiness.  I am constantly sleepy these days. 
  • My father ordered the part I need to get my camera working.   It should be here any day now.  I have missed making my attitude of gratitude videos.  It was a good way to start the day on a positive note. 
  • We’ve had very bland weather here for days.  I am ready for something exciting like the usual diurnal pop-up thunderstorms that are so characteristic for the South in summer. 
  • No news from George which I am praying is a good thing and not a bad thing.
  • I have been attending lots of online AA meetings lately.   I just haven’t felt up to the long drive to LaGrange this week for real world meetings.
  • Every morning I start with a prayer to my higher power to make it another day sober.  Taking it one day at a time is much easier than comprehending a lifetime without beer.    I still have the most vivid drinking dreams though.   My dreams have been exceptionally vivid with these new medications I am on.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

My Thoughts for the Blogging Day…

Big Changes Medicinally

My doctor made some major changes to the medications I am taking during our visit Monday.  I am now on Depakote instead of lithium.  He also put me on EffexorXR for the depressed moods that sometimes plague me.  I was very alarmed when he prescribed me Haldol – an ancient and seldom now used anti-psychotic.   I have heard horror stories about it, but my only side effect so far is extreme drowsiness and a little bit of restlessness.  My mind is very quiet and clear for the first time in weeks and for that I am thankful. 

Grocery Day…

“Surprise me,”  I told my mother when she asked what groceries I would like yesterday.  “Shop as if you were shopping for yourself.”

Well, I didn’t think out this course of action clearly enough.   Mom likes to snack all through out the day instead of eating three regular meals.  She decided to do my grocery shopping last night and got me all kinds of snack and junk foods.   It was kind of like giving a kid a hundred dollar bill and telling him or her to go shopping.   I got stuff like hotdogs, Chex mix, ice cream, and all kinds of snack crackers.  Mom also got me a big assortment of candy to eat.  I am sure I will weigh ten more pounds come my next P-Doc appointment. 

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Attitude of Gratitude…

I have a lot to be thankful for today.  I have a kind and proactive shrink.  Tonight is Mexican Tuesdays and that will be a nice treat.  I am still enthralled with my home theater and have had the most fun lately toying with it.  Maggie is happily going about her life and it makes me smile to watch her ever busy antics.  She’s always into something in the backyard. 

I am under strict orders by my doctor to just rest, relax, and sleep.   That’s why the blog has been so quiet.  I’ve felt so mellow and spent so much time in my home that I just haven’t had much to write about lately.

I hope you all are having a good day.  I will try to get up a proper blog post tomorrow. 

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Shaky is the Word for the Day…

“You’re still not feeling up to snuff are you son?” dad asked after opening their back door and me telling dad I was feeling unwell.

I couldn’t get mom and dad on either phone and knew they were home.  I drove over to get my medications early hoping that would calm me as it usually does.

“I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin!” was my reply.

Dad had been cooking a brunch of bacon and biscuits.  He fixed me a plate and told me to sit down and eat a bite.  He then walked out to his car to get my medications in their blister packs which he keeps in the trunk of his Honda.

“What’s wrong?” mom asked, walking into the kitchen in her nightgown.  “You look pained.”

“Oh, it’s just my typical mental illness bullshit,” I replied. “It’s a curse I have to bear.”

Mom hungrily fixed a plate of bacon and biscuits, and sat down with me to eat. 

“Here. Take this,” dad said upon arriving back inside.

He handed me my handful of medications and I took them.

“You will get to feeling better in thirty minutes.”

“I hope so,” was my weak reply.

“What’s Maggie been doing?”

“Oh, she was still in the bed when I left the house.”

“It’s a dog’s life,” dad said laughing.

“She will be going strong about my bedtime no doubt,” I replied with a weak laugh.

Suddenly, my head began to swim and I felt dizzy.  My heart began to pound.

“I’ve got to lie down!”

I lay on the couch for thirty minutes while mom asked me a hundred questions.

“Jesus! Mom! I don’t feel well!” I finally exclaimed.

“How do you feel now after thirty minutes?” dad asked.

“I feel like I can drive home now,” I replied as I sat up to put on my shoes.

“You will feel better in about thirty more minutes,” dad said. “Give your medications time to take effect.”

“It’s my fault,” mom said internalizing the problem.  “You got my terrible genes.  I shouldn’t have had children.”

I sighed.  I just wanted to get home and lie down for a few hours.  Quiet solitude is what I sought out the most.  I realized going over to get my medications was a bad idea.  Dad is hard of hearing and the television was turned up super loud.  Mom was asking me a thousand questions as is her usual custom.  Mom’s cat was hungry and was crying loudly.  The phone was ringing and ringing and nobody was answering it for fears dad would have to make a run to the pharmacy for a customer.   Argghhh!  I was so glad to get home and on my bed where the only sound was that of Maggie snoring softly as she snoozed in my warm covers. 

The Quest for Batteries…

“Do you need anything?” dad asked last night during our medication ritual.

I had noticed when dad handed me my medications that there were eleven pills.  I looked closely and there was an extra 3mg Risperdal.  I didn’t say anything and just took them with one gulp of Wal-Mart grape juice.  I figured the extra anti-psychotic would do me good and would help me sleep well for the night. 

I pointed at the eight home theater remote controls on my coffee table and said, “I really could use some batteries for all of these.”

“Come on,” dad said. “Let’s get in the car and drive to Kroger.”

Dad and I wandered around Kroger looking for batteries.  If mom was along, she would have been asking complete strangers where the batteries are kept.  Thankfully, dad is like me and we would rather just wander and look.  Cooler, less socially anxious inducing heads prevailed. 

“Blu-Ray discs,” I said wantonly as we passed near the magazine rack.

“Pick you out a movie,” dad said. “Get you something you will enjoy.”

I tend to enjoy war themed movies and picked out a recent one that got decent reviews.

“What kind of treat do you and your mother usually get Maggie?” dad then asked. 

“Beef jerky,” I replied. “But it’s expensive.”

“How expensive?” dad asked.

“About ten dollars expensive!”

“Oh hell,” dad replied. “Let’s live high on the hog tonight. Let’s get the Mag dawg something good to eat!”

We finally found the batteries and I sheepishly reached for a package of twenty Duracell AA batteries.

“Too expensive?” I turned to dad and asked with a wince.

“Ah shit,” dad said throwing caution to the wind. “Get you enough batteries to last you awhile.”

I really had a good time shopping with my father last night.  I had a little tinge of anxiety during the experience as Kroger was very busy for a Saturday night.  Lot’s of people were shopping.   The hardest part was waiting in the 20 items or less line that had grown very long.  I was so relieved when we arrived back at the safety of dad’s car and I could relax as he drove. 

On the drive home, dad and I talked about I learning to live a normal life.

“I need help, a mentor, to do so,” I told him. “It is normal for me for my life to be chaotic and in disarray.  It always has been.”

“You’re my project,” dad said as he laughed and smiled. “We are just going to keep trying till we get things right.  Don’t ever give up!”

I smiled as we turned into my driveway.  I kept thinking of that often said line in AA about all us alcoholics being a work in progress.  My life is a far cry better life than it was just a few years ago.  There are setbacks and tumultuous times, but we seem to learn and grow from them.  Long gone are the days were we all struggled against the current and now go with the flow that can be my mentally interesting days.  We go to the doctor, get medications, sedate me, and we all rest.   There is no screaming or hollering as in the old days – the accusations that I must be doing something wrong to cause my mental illness.   I think dad is finally coming to terms that I and mom’s mental illnesses are actually a disease and not a defect in character.  

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Downtime…

“You’re doing too much too soon!” dad told me scolding me a moment ago on the phone. “Your mother just called and said you went and got an estimate for that black lady's car.  You need to let her family handle all that.”

“Yes sir,” I replied.  Dad is right.  I am an all or nothing fellow and went from 0 to 60 in a matter of a day. 

“Rest for a week,” he said. “Listen to your music.  Enjoy your home theater.  Just relax and let your medications work.  I told your mother not to get y’all up something to do either like she will often do.   She’s resting as well.  I ordered you both some downtime.  I will see you at three or four with your medications for the day.”

Busy Morning So Far….

I got up at 3am and cleaned and cleaned until my house was almost spotless.  The cleanliness of my living environment is a direct reflection of my mental health.  My house can go to hell if I am feeling mentally interesting.   Dad came by about seven before work and gave me my morning dosage of Risperdal and exclaimed, “Dear God! This looks so good!  You can really do things when you set your mind to them!”  My house does look nice.  I am tired from doing all that this morning, but it feels good.  I don’t want to live in the filth I did when I was married to Rachel.  We constantly fought over cleaning.  My mother says she was sloppy and a slob.

Next on the agenda was Maggie’s walk.  We took a quick 45 minute jaunt around the neighborhood just as the sun was rising good in the sky.  It was chilly, but not cold.  Maggie was overjoyed to be resuming this usual routine of ours.  She walked with a certain strut in her step – her tail held high and her head erect.  We stopped at every interesting little thing to sniff and investigate.  It was her first walk in over a week. 

There is a body shop down the street from my home.  I ran by Mrs. Florene’s house to get the Skylark and took it for an estimate.  They want $300 dollars to take the dent out of the fender and to repaint it.  Mrs. Florene was so pleased I was saving her $200 dollars off the original estimate.  She cooked me a quick breakfast of some sausage biscuits.  She cooked for an army and I had a big bag of sausage biscuits to carry home with me.   No new news from George though.  Mrs. Florene is worried about him and keeps hoping he will call or write.   She asked me if I would drive her down to visit George in Atmore on the visitation days.  I told her I couldn’t do all that, and that she would have to ask George’s cousin, Monte, to do it.   I just don’t think I am up to driving 5 hours just yet.  I can get nervous just driving across town to my parent’s house.  It is hard to believe I used to drive an 80,000 pound big rig for a living at one point in my life!  Now?  A 3,000 pound Honda CR-V scares the bejeebus out of me!   

Friday, May 7, 2010

My Thoughts at the End of the Blogging Day…

There’s a Difference…

There’s a difference in dad these past few episodes of mental illness I have experienced.  He is kinder, gentler and far, far more forgiving of my foibles.  He is quick to tell me he loves me and Johnny-on-the-spot about getting me medical attention. 

“You need cigarettes?  Don’t you?” dad just called and asked.  “It’s been a week since you last asked for any.  And be sure to drive over to go get your diet Cokes tonight.  It is driving your mother crazy that you haven’t gotten them in days.”

I talked for a minute and dad interrupted and said, “Thank God!  You sound like a different man.  You’re coherent now!  I don’t think you realized it, but you were talking some crazy and wacky stuff for a few days there.”

“What makes you so want to be homeless when you get like that?” dad then asked. “You have such a nice, comfortable home.”

“It’s my social anxieties,” I replied. “Out in the woods is where no one could find me.  The phone wouldn’t ring and the constant knocking at my home’s door would stop.  I could relax knowing I was a safe human free space for the most part.”

“Well, I am just glad you’re better.  You sound so different.  I will bring your cigarettes tonight.  I love you,” dad said in closing. 

Dad’s usual reaction when I get mentally ill is to search my home for signs of beer or over the counter medications.  He didn’t do that this time.  We both talked about how hard I have been trying with regards to my addictions – that I have been religiously going to AA up until I had this recent episode with my schizophrenia.   We both remarked about how my life used to be constantly like it was these past few days years ago – that I had much more mentally ill days than I did good days.   So there is hope and I hope I am getting better.   We all now know how to better react when these situations arise – no screaming and hollering.  No accusations of untoward doings.   Just simply getting medical attention as promptly as possible before things get worse or spiral out of control.   

Warning Will Robinson!

This is how crazy my mind works sometimes.  My psychiatrist weighed me during Wednesday’s emergency visit.  I weighed 186 pounds.  My last visit three months ago, I weighed 167.  I was extremely mentally ill and still freaked out about my weight.   Dad was just ecstatic.  My bulimia for some reason hits a sore spot with him and he worries about it deeply.   All I could think about was that I was getting fat again.  At one time in my life, I weighed 277 pounds at it’s highest.  I was a chunk!  So I have been obsessing today about my weight.  I have cut my portion sizes in  half and have put myself on a diet.  I am going to have delicately break it to my doctor that weighing with every visit is not a good idea for someone who struggles with bulimia.  It freaks us out!

Miss My Camera!

The part I need for my camera is only around ten to twenty bucks so why do I still not have a working camera?   Because it is an extreme hassle to get dad to get “The Girls” to order it for me.  I talked to dad before this recent episode of mental illness and he said he would order the part.  I just have to get it together enough to write down the item number on piece of paper so he can get Tricia down at the pharmacy to order it.  I could be dastardly and get mom involved.  But that would certainly piss dad off.  LOL   Mom is so obsessive compulsive about such things that she wouldn’t let my father rest until the part got here and was in my hands.  She thinks we have already gotten the part at Wal-Mart the other week.

Mental Health Woes and Homeless Ideation…

“You can’t drive when you are like this,” dad told me the other day as he yanked my car keys from my hand.  “You are outta your gourd as far as your mental illness is concerned.  You don’t even know what day of the week it is.”

I was busily packing up my car with all the things I needed to live successfully on the few thousand acres of land my family owns.   I had put so much in the car that you couldn’t see out the rear view mirror and back window.   I was going live homeless in the woods where no one could find me or bother me – my social anxieties had been screaming for a break from life for days.   I was also extremely delusional my father told me.  “You were making up some wild and convoluted stories that just did not make sense.” 

Wednesday rolled around and dad and I sat in my psychiatrists office.  Dad went on and on about how I always want to be a homeless man when I get very mentally ill. 

“He says he is going to live off the land!” dad told the doctor excitedly. “He says he is tired of people and just wants to escape.”

“I suggest we hospitalize him to get him stable,” Dr. K told my father.

“No! No! No!” I exclaimed as I interjected and started to get up and leave.  “You’re not putting me in the psych ward for a few weeks where I can’t smoke.”

A compromise was reached where dad would come by every morning and give me an extra 3mg Risperdal on top of the six milligrams I was already taking at night.  That did the trick.  I felt better and better yesterday and am now back to normal now.  Now comes the arduous task of unpacking my car.  I literally got so much junk in my car that you wouldn't believe it.  I was going to be one of the most best equipped homeless men in the state.  

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Quirks About Coast to Coast AM…

With my subscription to Streamlink, I can listen to Coast to Coast AM shows from years ago.  I am listening to a show right now where the guest says he has had visions that Yellowstone will blow any day now then.  It never did.  This is a common theme with Coast to Coast AM – calamities.  With 2012 growing ever closer, more and more programming is being devoting to the so called end of the world.  I am far too cynical to believe such tripe.  2012 is just simply the end of the Mayan calendar.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.  My analytical mind tells me that scientists today are far more likely to predict a major change in the earth than some ancient culture that didn’t even have electricity or the ability to fly.   Of course, this gets the wackadoos all stirred up and they will call into the show with their opinions on the subject.  I will probably get flamed, but these people are most likely mentally ill to a degree.  I find a lot of the callers sound mentally ill more so than I do on a bad day. 

Another common theme with Coast to Coast AM is the paranormal.  I just don’t believe in extraterrestrial UFOs or ghosts.  My ex-wife swore she saw a UFO once. “It was floating lights in the sky,” she would say.   She was a believer and had me build a fast computer just to run SETI@Home – a mass computer project years ago devoted to the search for extraterrestrial signals in the sky.   “Just because it was an unidentified flying object didn’t necessarily mean it was from another world,” I would tell her.  

That said, I still love the show.  It is fascinating in a way to listen to these people go on and on about things that aren’t real – much more fascinating then listening to Glenn Beck bitch about “Obama Care”.   My favorite shows are when they discuss science, space, or physics.  You just can’t find this type of deep science related material on popular radio without the help of Coast to Coast AM.  

Midday Report…

We arrived at the Vet’s at 10am.

“Dr. Thomas is running late,” the receptionist said. “Do y’all mind just leaving Maggie till this afternoon?”

I looked at Maggie longingly three or four times as they led her to the back before we left.  It will be the longest Maggie has been away from home in years.  She whined the whole drive knowing where we were heading.  I felt so terrible and am so worried about my dog.  She is the closest thing I will ever get to having children and it was like I had dropped her off at kindergarten for the first time.

Mom and I then drove up and down the Valley three times which took about an hour and a half.  Mom says she does this everyday just to get out and let her car run.  We raided the drugstore at one point for sacks of drinks.

“Shit!” dad said as he followed us out to the car. “I swear y’all are like the Mongol horde descending.”

We then went to Krystal's for lunch.  We got six cheese Krystal's and split them between the two of us.

“Oh, this is so good!” mom said as she ate and drove. “These buns are so steamy and fresh.”

I remarked to mom that that moment would have made a good commercial for Krystal. 

Mom was obsessing the whole drive about taking her cat, Muffin, to the vet as well.  She must have asked me twenty times if we needed to just get it done while she had my help. 

“The cat is fifteen years old,” I told my mother. “I wouldn’t put her through all that this late in the game.”

I had a real good time with mom.  We talked a lot about our lives and our mental illnesses during the long drive.  Mom says she is feeling inadequate these days.   I told her I feel the same way some days myself.  It is strange how close mom and I have grown over these past few years.  We never got along when I was a child and a young man.  Dad says it’s because we are medicated these days.  LOL

My Thoughts for the Blogging Day…

Charlie’s New Cat

Charlie brought my medications last night.  Charlie also brought some diet Cokes and a fried shrimp plate from Merl’s diner.  He was in a super mood and was just laughing and laughing.  Dad is still having issues with his new computer system and had the tech guys at the store last night after closing. 

“I’ve got a new cat,” he said. “For a few weeks, he has made himself at home.  Yesterday, he showed up with a collar with a bell on it.  It seems he has two homes now.”

I laughed. It would be just Charlie’s luck.  The cat is a vagabond going where the grass is greener.  Charlie just laughed and laughed about it – so surprised when the cat showed up with a collar.   He had thought the cat was a stray.

Maggie Goes to the Veterinarian in the Morning

I really owe a lot to my mother for helping with Maggie’s care.  As expensive as it is, my mother has no qualms about spending money on Maggie or our pets and she is very cheap with her money when she is not on a manic high.   My veterinarian says Maggie won the Georgia lottery when she came to live with us.  Well, Maggie has continued to scratch and scratch.  Mom is obsessing that Maggie has allergies.  We have a lot on the agenda for Maggie in the morning at ten.  She is to be checked for allergies by the vet, get her teeth cleaned, get her annual checkup, and we are getting her a new tag saying she is mine for her collar.  Her old tag has my late grandmother’s address and phone number on it. 

Cycling

It seems I am cycling as far as my mental illness is concerned.  I had another attack last night and I think the three diet Cokes I drank triggered it.  My body is so sensitive.  I got extremely hot despite it being very cool in my house.  My heart was beating a hundred miles an hour.  I felt this extreme sense of butterflies in my stomach.   I lay down and prayed it would pass soon.  It is such a disconcerting feeling – a feeling of being out of control and out of body.  I also get to feeling I can’t breathe or swallow and that just exacerbates the panic.  I have to breathe deeply and do my best to calm down.  Half of the battle is mental and not physical. 

Mrs. Florene is in the Pits

Mrs. Florene called me last night lamenting the fact that she has no life now that George is gone.  She sounded so depressed.

“Baby?  Why won’t you come and eat breakfast with me every morning?” she asked me making me feel so guilty.

“Mrs. Florene, It is my social anxieties,” I replied honestly.  “I have trouble getting out of the house some days.   It is not you I assure you.  I love you.”

I had taken the Skylark for a repair estimate yesterday morning and they want $500 dollars to fix Mrs. Florene’s car.  I scoffed.  I’ve bitten off far more than I can chew I fear as far as getting this estimate is concerned.  I will have to hunt around for more estimates to get her a good price.  The thought of doing all this just sends my anxieties reeling.  Dad would have a fit if he knew I took this upon myself. 

Monday, May 3, 2010

Your Uninteresting Weather Report…

I try not to write about the weather on the blog as I realize it is so uninteresting for someone who doesn’t live in Alabama.  I was so disappointed with this morning’s early line of storms though.  Or should I just say line of rain.  We didn’t get any thunder or lightning.  It was just a heavy, soaking, driving rain.  I had all my windows and doors open throughout the night and everything in my house is damp now including the bed and my covers.  The price I had to pay for experiencing the rain as close as I could to just standing outside in it.  It harkens back to my homeless days when I was so into camping.  I felt I was roughing it this morning as the rain started around 3am.  It was an ethereal experience as I sat in my den and listened to the rain pour just mere feet from where I sat in the comfort of my den. 

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Developing a Nervous Condition…

I’ve felt so nervous lately.  I am so fearful of those anxiety attacks and the nervousness surrounding them can build upon itself.  Today, I got so excited and nervous about getting my Blu-Ray player that I felt sick afterwards.  Mom has left and I had to go lay down in the bed for awhile.  My mental illness is a strange beast and can effect me so physically.  I have these extremely strong physical  and mental reactions to anything out of the ordinary.   Dad says that’s why mom and I need to live quiet lives.  We can’t take much.

Mom is out and about today.  She asked me to go clothes shopping for her and I.  I just couldn’t do it.  She was so disappointed.  She offered to go by the drugstore and get me some of my medications, but I was scared – scared I would get out in public and have an attack.  This anxiety and nervousness is so debilitating.  I really would like some new shorts and shirts for summer. 

Mrs. Florene just called.  She didn’t talk for an hour much to my relief.  I don’t think I could have taken that today.  She wanted my address to send to George so he can write me.  She said George had called and was asking for money for the commissary.  He said he just couldn’t live off of prison food and was going to subsist off the foil packs of tuna and salmon they sell in the commissary. 

I feel better now that I have settled down some.  Dad will be here at 9:30 with my medications.  At least I am sleeping okay.  I went for a period there where I couldn’t sleep.  I take catnaps all throughout the day now.  And sleep about five or six hours at night. 

Afternoon Report…

An Incredible Surprise

Mom pulled up in front of the house a moment ago with fast food Monday’s.  In a sack were three regular Cokes, three double cheeseburgers, and a regular order of fries.  These little treats or “little joys” as my friend Liz would call them mean so much to me.  It breaks up the monotony that can be my life some days. 

“Look on the backseat,” mom said. She had been to Wal-Mart.  Sitting on the seat was a box that read Pioneer.  She had bought my Blu-Ray player.

“The salesperson helped me with the cables to get and I got you two movies to watch,” mom told me. “I used my birthday money from your father I never spent months ago.”

I thanked mom profusely.  It was like Christmas all over again.  I couldn’t wait to get inside and hook it up.  Mom followed me after locking her car and putting her purse in the trunk as is her custom.

“That picture is just gorgeous,” mom said as I skipped through scenes from Avatar.  “I have never seen colors so rich on a TV before.  I now know why you wanted it so badly.”

Mom is still here watching the rest of the movie.  Maggie is just overjoyed at the company.  I am sitting here with my laptop as I watch as well.  It has been a good afternoon and a much needed surprise. 

My Thoughts for the Blogging Day…

Move Along…

One of my favorite blogs for years was The Homeless Guy.  Being formerly homeless, I was all too keenly and acutely interested in all things homeless.   Kevin Barbieux, The Homeless Guy, gave up writing his blog for the most part and took up a home on Facebook.  Well, you are not missing anything if you fear you can’t read him on Facebook as he rabidly controls who can be his “friends”.  He exemplifies what I so dislike about Facebook – that the medium is full of mindless blurbs with no substance.  Long gone are the interesting essays Kevin used to write for his blog – essays that would make you think even though you might disagree.  I have later learned as I have grown as a person that the guy is a complete idiot, but I still find him fascinating to a degree.  I gave up on Facebook altogether though and haven’t missed it.  I gave up on Twitter as well finding it all ME, ME, ME!  People were falling all over their selves to be interesting on Twitter.  Do I do this on my blog to a degree?  I don’t know, but it just made me think. 

Blogging Habits…

My life has centered around my home theater lately.  It is my new obsession and so has my internet usage changed.  I am usually browsing and reading blogs with my Wii these days and not the computer.  I just find it much more convenient.  I really need more good blogs to read though.  I read about a dozen and it can be excruciating waiting for my friends to update.  I realize many of these people have more lives than me and can’t just update all day.   I love blogs that update frequently and these are becoming incredibly increasingly rare.  If you have any good blogs you would like to recommend just drop them in the comments and I will check them out.  Give me blogs you just can’t live without.  I also want Joy Heather’s blog address.  I haven’t heard from her much lately and it is worrying me.  I am worried she is feeling under the weather.  Do any of you know about her?

Sunday, May 2, 2010

My Thoughts for the End of the Blogging Day…

Double Cheeseburger Time…

“Mom?” I asked a moment ago. “Can I come and get my Cokes early?”

I was mainly bored and wanted something to do – a reason to get out and drive the car.

“Sure sweetheart,” she replied gleefully. “I will have them ready for you.”

I arrived at mom and dad’s to find them both sitting in the den and reading books.  Mom was reading a book on Orville and Wilbur Wright and dad was reading a book on Jackie Kennedy.  The cover of the book said, “The Queen of America.”

“Johnny, go buy me a double cheeseburger,” mom said.

Dad looked up and grunted.

“One of those McDonald’s apple pies would be good as well.”

Dad grunted again, closed his book, and got up to go get supper.  I rode with him.  I just got a large fry and a small chocolate shake.  I wasn’t that hungry.  Dad and I talked mainly about AA.  He is so intrigued an institution has evolved around helping alcoholics.  And that it is free for the most part.

“Your mother spent thousands and thousands of dollars in therapy for years for her issues to no avail,” dad said. “And you go to a free program and seem like a different person these days.  It baffles me.”

I call AA personality reprogramming.  You learn to live a new life and learn to live all over again.  They teach you right and wrong for a group of people that has historically had trouble with relationships and morals. 

We arrived home and mom hungrily tore into her double cheeseburger.

“Martha, your ass is getting as wide as a double wide trailer,” dad said as we sat at the kitchen table. “You really don’t need double cheeseburgers.”

I expected a blow up.  Mom just laughed and said, “It is getting rather large.”  I laughed nervously and dad smiled.

“Used to, I would have told your mother something like that and it would have been world war three,” dad told me. “She would have divorced me.  The Zyprexa is working.”

I marveled as I drove home how interesting my parents usually are.  They always have something going on.  There is never a dull moment in their household. 

A Really Mentally Interesting Moment…

I had a really mentally interesting moment late this afternoon.  I realized it had been over 24 hours since I last took my medications -- one of the drawbacks of dad coming so early to give me my medications on Saturday.  I was sitting in the den listening to my weather radio when I felt like I was having an out of body experience.  It was very scary.  I felt as if I didn’t have control of my faculties and the room was spinning.  I dragged myself to the bed and lay down.  I got cold, but was too afraid to get up to turn up the air.  I also had to pee like a racehorse. Then, I got to feeling like I couldn’t swallow or breathe.  I thought the moment would never pass.   I had heard those nagging auditory hallucinations all day and should have seen it as a warning sign.   Dad gave me my medications tonight and the auditory ticks went away in an hour.

I SHAVED!!!!

And Let There Be A Mild Chorus of Angels Singing!

Weather Obsessed…

I love the weather.  Particularly, I like bad weather – the badder the better.  Well, for the past two days I have waited patiently for storms only for each day to pass with boring weather.  It is so disappointing for a weather fan.  One caveat for the day has been the brisk winds and that has allowed me to not use air conditioning inside today despite it being 85 degrees outside. 

So, here I sit in Bama waiting for my storms.  It seems from the NWS that I will be waiting until late tonight.

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My Thoughts for the Blogging Day…

Don’t Drop the Soap…

That distinctive ring of my phone happened last night.  It was Mrs. Florene calling.  I didn’t have time to talk for an hour so I let my answering machine pick up.  Mrs. Florene left a long rambling message about George.  It seems George is very unhappy with prison food.  Mrs. Florene said they didn’t even salt the vegetable soup for lunch and the loaf bread served was stale and old.  I was thinking that was the least of George’s worries.  George is not a fighting type of man and prison is a rough place.  I worry about my friend getting shanked or beat up.  “Don’t drop the soap,” was all I could think of when I thought of prison rape.  The whole situation is sad and can depress me when I dwell upon it.  It is sad for George, I, and Mrs. Florene.  A year and six months seems like an eternity and I already deeply miss my best friend.  I miss his daily visits more than anything and his razor sharp sense of humor.

All Riled Up…

Maggie awoke me at four.  I sleepily walked into the kitchen and poured me a glass of 7-UP.  Maggie sure was barking something fierce.  I lured her in with some peanut butter crackers and locked the dog door.  She wasn’t too pleased and did her muted cough bark routine for an hour as she sat out on the screened in porch.  This routine has gotten more and more regular.  I am going to have to start getting on to her for barking so early in the morning.  I worry about the neighbors.  It also keeps me up.

The Great Vanishing Act…

My former drug dealing neighbor has just disappeared.  Dad remarked on the state of his yard last night and I told dad I haven’t seen him nor cars for over two weeks.  I fear he is in jail.  I hope he found someone to take care of his dogs.  Dad swears he was just getting lots of pussy when traffic was so busy to his house.  I still hold on to my theory that he was dealing drugs.  He disappeared and the police stopped riding by every day.  I know it sounds like I live in a terrible neighborhood. 

Saturday, May 1, 2010

My Thoughts at the End of the Blogging Day…

Pizza Time!

Mom’s been with me all day.  Dad has been working in the yard.  We ordered pizza tonight and it about drove Maggie crazy to get some.  The smell that wafted through the house was wonderful.

I cut my grass today and had a mini anxiety attack.  I felt dizzy as I put the finishing touches on the front yard.  I turned off the mower and sat on the steps.  My heart was beating something furiously.  It took a good thirty minutes to recover and I put the mower in the basement and called it a day.  I will finish tomorrow.

“Hallelujah!” dad said as he walked through my yard to bring my medications. “I love it when you cut your grass.  It looks so good. You are the only house on the block with a neat yard.”

Dad was in a good mood.  He asked me all about my 6pm AA meeting.  Today we discussed sponsorship – the bane of my existence in AA.

“I’ll be your sponsor,” dad said jokingly. “My first order to you is not to drink.”

I smiled and laughed.  Dad would be the sponsor from hell. 

Tonight, I called mom to get my cokes early.  I just needed some comfort.  She gleefully told me to come and get them which surprised me.  I have been less obsessive about the Cokes lately and I think mom has realized this.  They don’t think I am no longer out to get a buzz from the caffeine. 

My Thoughts for the Blogging Day…

Accidents Happen…

“I did something terrible!” Mrs. Florene told me frantically after calling me early this morning.  “I ran all into the side of the garage with the Skylark.  I was going to buy my groceries when the grocery store opened at six.”

I drove over to take a look at her request.  I expected the worst from what Mrs. Florene had described on the phone.   It really wasn’t that bad.  The front quarter panel of the Skylark was dented and scraped.  There was no damage to the the garage.

“I was up at six,” I told Mrs. Florene. “Call me next time and I will drive you.  You know me.  I keep odd sleeping hours.  I am usually available.”

I assured Mrs. Florene that I would take the Skylark to the body shop for an estimate Monday.  She is just going to pay to have it fixed and not file it on her insurance.  Shit happens as they say.  Mrs. Florene is certainly getting older in her seventies and I don’t how much longer she will be able to drive. 

Boom, Boom, Boom!

Superglue is an amazing thing.  I painstakingly repaired my subwoofer with superglue yesterday -- carefully gluing the torn speaker pieces into place.  The proof in the pudding was when I fired up my stereo and cranked up the volume.  Pounding bass!  The kind of bass that rattles the kitchen cabinets.   I was so happy and overjoyed. I was sharing my exuberance with everyone in my family.  “Just what in the hell is a subwoofer?” dad asked.  Mom asked the same thing. I laughed -- so happy to have my subwoofer back. 

The Great Rift Ends…

It is like I have been caught in a chasm all week.  It happens every week.  Daytime AM radio is populated with outlandish conservative talk shows -- politics in a particular.   Something I don’t particularly relish.   The weekend means I can listen to my beloved AM talk radio again in the daytime.  Shows like Kim Komando and Leo Leporte help me with my computer.  Cigar Dave regales me in tales of some of the finest cigars in the land.  Car and Driver radio talks about the latest Lamborghini.  It is refreshing and much needed after a week of listening to talking heads bitch about “Obama Care” and illegal immigrants.