I made an emergency phone call to my father last night about 3am in the morning.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. “It’s three AM in the morning.”
“My mind is racing, DAD!” I exclaimed frantically. “I can’t slow down!!!”
“Can you drive?” he asked.
“Jesus Christ!” I muttered loudly and exasperatedly, and buried my head in my palm. He had wanted me to come and get some medications. I hung up the phone abruptly and rashly.
It was about four am when dad made it here. He handed me some of my Klonopin as I furiously paced the floor in the den.
“Sit down and rest,” he said sleepily, yawning ever louder. “This reminds me of the night Joyce wouldn’t take her medications. She was doing the same thing.”
“Why have you stayed with mom all these years?” I asked with an extremely accusing and glaring eye. “Why do you continue to fool with me??? I am just crazy as shit. Mom is nuts as well.”
“I stayed with your mother for her grandkids,” dad said in a candid moment. “I wanted my grandkids to grow up and know Nana, and to know me and Nana as a couple. Broken families just weren’t allowed when I was growing up. I don’t want my grandkids to experience that. I’ve made sacrifices.”
“So you throw all these medications at me and mom to keep us complacent!” I accused. “Just so you can live with us!!!”
Dad sighed extremely loudly.
“Are you not schizophrenic?” dad calmly asked.
“Yes,” I replied. ‘I think so.”
“Don’t you think you need to take something to make yourself feel better?”
“That’s why I always drank beer and you cut that off you son of a bitch!!!”
“I am going home to sleep,” dad replied getting up in a huff. “There is no talking to you when you get like this. Your medications will take effect in about twenty minutes and you will sleep. Go to bed!”
“No wait!” I said back peddling. “I am sorry. I feel better already.”
“Don’t you think your life is better with the medications?” dad asked with an air of pleading in his voice. “You have a wonderful life now that you are sober and medicated . Maggie does so well. You keep your home so neat and clean. You are able to go to your meetings and you and your mom have a relationship now, Hell, you and I even have a relationship now.”
“But they aren’t perfect!” I said, sighing, as I spoke of my medications and reclined back in my chair. My medications were beginning to take effect and I was growing extremely sleepy. “I will always have to deal with mental illness just as I will always be an alcoholic. I will always have to take these pills and I will always have to go to those socially anxious meetings.”
“Just like a diabetic has to take insulin,” dad replied analytically.
Dad said he then looked over after a quiet moment and I was asleep in my chair snoring softly. He said he was just about to tell me how well I do these days – that tonight was just a blip on the radar. Within a matter of thirty minutes, my medications had taken effect and I had crashed.
“No more Wal-Mart!” dad exclaimed with a smile as he was about to leave. “You and your mother have been wild and going constantly. You two have been the dynamic duo. I knew when you all come in the drug store the other day getting all that stuff that I was in trouble. You and your mother are usually very quiet people, but something has gotten you both off. You both are trying to do too much. Rest today and sleep. I will be back tonight to give you some more medications so you will relax.”