Tuesday, April 27, 2010

My Thoughts for the Blogging Day…

Attitude of Gratitude…

I have a lot to be thankful for this morning.  I have food and it is a day before grocery day.  Maggie has taken to snuggling up in my arms every night.  This is a new turn of events and thrills me.  I sleep so much better with her so close to me.  I’ve gotten my six diet Pepsi this morning and am savoring them.  There is a chance my contacts will arrive today and for that I am excited.  I am hoping I will see extremely well with them.  Tonight is Mexican Tuesdays and I am getting the Burrito Supreme plate which will be a treat.  I thought this morning as I drove to my parent’s how reliable and what a good car I have.  It has held up well over the years.  You can’t beat a Honda.  Yes, I have much to be thankful for.

Midnight AA…

I attended an online midnight AA meeting last night.  I tend to like this meeting very much.  We talked about progressing and not obsessing over perfection.  I tend to be an all or nothing fellow and am having to learn moderation.  I can’t be perfect with the program.  I will never have a sponsor unless it is by email or chatting online.   I am learning that that is okay and I don’t have to work a perfect program – that the things laid out in AA are just guidelines and not laws.  I am also completely amazed I have stuck with AA so long this time with all the religious aspects of the program.  I tend to be agnostic and a complete skeptic.  I am learning every day.  I pray a lot – praying for God’s will and the courage and strength to carry that out.  That is so novel for me to do. 

I love you Mom…

Mom called me last night worried.

“Don’t hesitate to ask your father for extra gas for your AA meetings in LaGrange,” she said. “We have both noticed such a huge difference in you since you have been going everyday.”

“I wish I could just go in town,” I replied. “But I strongly dislike the people who attend those meetings.  There is this strong hierarchy in those meetings that I just don’t like.”

“I wish your father would let you use the pharmacy’s account to get gas,” mom said. “He worries you will not handle it responsibly.”

“We still have a long way to go, don’t we?” I asked mom.

“He will begin to trust you over time,” my mother told me. “I already trust you a hundred percent more than I did a month ago.”

My mother saying that just warmed my heart.  I have to remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day – that I am putting brick by brick into a foundation of trust with my parents.  I must stay sober and I must continue to go to AA.  That is one of my biggest goals in life right now to win back my father’s trust and to improve our relationship.  I love the man so very, very dearly and want him to feel the same about me.  

1 comment:

Beth said...

Good for you -- good attitude, good insights into the program and how you are working it. One day at a time.

Your father does love you dearly -- that comes through in your stories about your interactions. But as I've told you before, winning back trust is hard. I desperately want to trust my daughter not to use -- and she has nearly 15 months clean. But I'm wary (and I hate that I am) and I do check up on her. I love her dearly and I know she loves me too. Trust also comes one step at a time, and I am grateful for every good day.

Your mental illness puts an element of uncertainty and fear into the mix as well. When my daughter is in the throes of anxiety or panic attacks, or the meds aren't working well, or -- I dunno -- the moon is full or some other reason, I'm never certain that she won't use or do something that will hurt her. It scares me -- so I am cautious. I try to be optimistic, but I am cautious.

I'll bet your father feels much the same way.

Keep praying. Keep going to meetings. Just one step at a time, and the rest will come. I know this is true.

Hope your Mexican food day is good and satisfying in every way!