I feel sleepy this morning now. I’ve been up since 4:00am. I tried to go to bed at seven, but the gods decided it wasn’t in my future with my parental units conspiring to keep me up. I feel kind of mentally interesting this morning – kind of off. Not bad, but disconcerting. Worrisome. I don’t want to have a mentally interesting day. I want normal, bland, boring. I want to just enjoy my radio programs for most of day, blog, fiddle with my computer, and take photographs.
I wish I could just crawl in the bed and sleep my days away like mom. It is the great escape. I envy her of that. “You don’t want to sleep your days away,” she will often tell me when I ask her how she does it. “I am wasting away my life.” When I took Zyprexa for my schizophrenia, I slept all the time. It was the most pleasurable thing in the world to crawl in my warm covers and drift off – to have surreal daydreams and sleeping dreams. Whole days would be spent in the bed. It was the most sedating drug I have ever experienced and it was the main reason my psychiatrist took me off of it and put me on Risperdal. That, and the extreme weight gain. I also started lactating and for a guy that is very disconcerting.
I’ve been attending lots of online AA meetings lately. I have developed a repoire with some of the regulars. The meetings are at very convenient hours for a mentally interesting kind of guy that sleeps at odd hours. I haven’t been to Lagrange for a few days because I have grown obsessively worried about my gas consumption, the miles, and wear and tear I am putting on my car. It’s an hour round trip drive. I abhor the meetings here in town. They are filled with unsavory people that are just not to my liking – people twenty to forty years my senior for the most part. I don’t feel I have anything in common with them other than my alcoholism. I also find them extremely narrow minded and narrow focused – the curse of a small Southern town. The meetings in Lagrange are much more vibrant and eclectic with it being a college town – filled with young, exciting people with a very forward view of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Late in the night last night, Maggie growled loudly as she lay on the bed next to me. I reached over to feel her to calm her and her hair was bristling and standing erect on her back. My paranoia was piqued. Was someone going to break in? Would there be a knock at the door? All my schizophrenic paranoia and social anxiety came into play. My heart began to race and sweat broke out on my brow. I didn’t clam down until Maggie snuggled up next to my head on the pillow and started to lick my hair and face. I giggled and laughed like a schoolchild. That calmed me immediately.