Sunday, March 28, 2010

What it Means to Love…

I just left an online AA meeting where we discussed true and deep love for someone or something.  It centered on the love for new found sobriety and going to any length to obtain it.  It really made me think.  Will I do anything and everything for my sobriety like I used to do for a drink?  I can already find myself settling back into complacency about my sobriety.  I didn’t go to the 10am meeting this morning.  You better bet if someone told me to meet them for a case of beer at 10am then I would have been there.  I would have driven to Timbuktu.  Will I do anything and everything to stay sober?  I better start getting serious again!

I love certain things.  I realize now I never loved my wife.  I have no regrets or remorse over my failed marriage.  I was miserable.  I was drunk all the time and I felt my then wife exacerbated this. 

I love Maggie wholeheartedly, but it is so easy to love our pets.  They love us back unconditionally with little strings attached.  I love mom and dad.  I fear dad doesn’t love me, but sees about me due to his extreme sense of responsibility.  He loves my brother and sister and is very proud of them. They are both doctors and overwhelmingly successful.   I am just tolerated. The prodigal son.  

Mom loves me unconditionally.  You can see it in everything she does.  She worries about me all the time and feels this supreme sense of quilt that I inherited my mental illness from her and her side of the family.  I love her back and would do anything for her.  I don’t feel this for my father to that extreme.  My father has a mean streak from all he’s been through with mom and I and it is not easily forgotten.  Hugs are few and far between.  I guess I should just be proactive and ask for a hug instead of waiting for one.  Maybe he will melt some. 


Joy Heather said...

I think your Mom is a real gem and she Loves you for lots of reasons, but understands you as well because of your shared problems..but i'm sure from things you have said that your Dad loves you as well..some folk find it very hard to express love, this isn't unusual..but i think if you could get inside his would see a lot of Love for you there..ask him for a hug, or better still You give him a hug !! it may help..sometimes these folk need a gentle push in order to respond..i really am speaking from experience in this one Andrew..take care.

Leann said...

I agree with Joy, Andrew. Your Mother loves you without bounds. Your father, and that's usual for the male figure, is less apt to be forgiving and show affection, especially from the generation your father grew up in. As I recall your father is gay and has his own demons to deal with, again, especially given the generation he grew up in. I know he loves you or he would have washed his hands of you years ago, obligation or no. He loves you the best way he knows how Andrew. Just as you get thru life the best way you know how. It is not until we are shown something different and better that we become better people. Life and being on this planet is all about learning. That's why we're here. Continue to grow and learn my friend. You're doing a GREAT job!!

Blessings to you my friend on this Sunday afternoon.

Beth said...

Honey, your dad is just scared for you. He knows your brother and sister will be okay, but he is afraid that you won't be, and he is afraid of his own powerlessness to make it better for you. Diseases of the mind are a gazillion times harder to deal with because you can't see them. Treatment is so difficult because every person reacts differently to the meds, and even that can vary from one month to the next.

I know how desperately difficult it is to watch your child struggle with everyday life, to be afraid that he/she will never be able to know joy and peace and to have a 'normal' life, and to know that there is NOTHING you can do to change it: you can be an advocate for him/her, you can encourage and push and reprimand and be watchful, but you cannot 'fix' it no matter how much you do.

There are days that watching my daughter struggle just breaks my heart. Sometimes her day-to-day life seems so bleak to me, and I have to be careful not to convey that to her.

Remember that the prodigal son was dearly loved, even more than the faithful son.

Andrew said...


I feel for you. You are helping understand what mom and dad have gone through all these years with me. It is humbling and eye opening. Thank you for being a special blogging friend.


Beth said...

If my words help you to better understand, that is a good thing. Your words help ME to better understand my daughter.

Remember we are not perfect beings. There WILL be misunderstandings, hurt feelings, anger, sadness, and disappointment on all sides. But many of us do the best we can, where we are, with what we've got.