“You’re not devolving back into your schizophrenia are you with all this speak of God?” Dad asked warily last night.
“No,” I replied. “I don’t think so. It is hard for me to tell.”
“What caused this sudden change?”
“I just thought my way wasn’t working,” I replied. “I decided to try something different and AA is a deeply spiritual program. I want to embrace it wholeheartedly.”
Years ago, I was very religious. It drove my wife crazy. I thought God was talking to me through various means. They put me on medications for my schizophrenia and I lost all interest in things religious.
“Be careful, but I am intrigued. If it will help you, then I am all for it.”
“What caused you to call County Mental Health?” dad then asked me. “Your mother told me about that and it surprised me. You hate talking on the phone.”
“I want to try everything I possibly can to help me,” I replied.
There was an uneasy silence. You could see dad was deep in thought. I knew what he was thinking – that I was getting manic and needed an adjustment in my medications.
We took my medications and fed Maggie. Dad told me he loved me as he was leaving.
“I am going to trust you, but tell me if you feel things are getting out of control.”
I assured him I would if I could catch it myself. Dad left and I will never forget the concerned look on his face. The status quo had been shattered yesterday and it put him on guard. I just hope what I am doing is the right thing. If I am doing too much, then I hope my body will tell me. I don’t want another flare up of my schizophrenia by any means. It can be so hard for me to discern reality, truth, and mental illness sometimes.