Thursday, March 25, 2010

My Thoughts for the Day…

God Speak…

“You’re not devolving back into your schizophrenia are you with all this speak of God?” Dad asked warily last night.

“No,” I replied. “I don’t think so.  It is hard for me to tell.”

“What caused this sudden change?”

“I just thought my way wasn’t working,” I replied. “I decided to try something different and AA is a deeply spiritual program.  I want to embrace it wholeheartedly.”

Years ago, I was very religious.  It drove my wife crazy.  I thought God was talking to me through various means.  They put me on medications for my schizophrenia and I lost all interest in things religious.

“Be careful, but I am intrigued.  If it will help you, then I am all for it.”

“What caused you to call County Mental Health?” dad then asked me. “Your mother told me about that and it surprised me.  You hate talking on the phone.”

“I want to try everything I possibly can to help me,” I replied.

There was an uneasy silence.  You could see dad was deep in thought.  I knew what he was thinking – that I was getting manic and needed an adjustment in my medications. 

We took my medications and fed Maggie.  Dad told me he loved me as he was leaving.

“I am going to trust you, but tell me if you feel things are getting out of control.”

I assured him I would if I could catch it myself.  Dad left and I will never forget the concerned look on his face.  The status quo had been shattered yesterday and it put him on guard.  I just hope what I am doing is the right thing.  If I am doing too much, then I hope my body will tell me.  I don’t want another flare up of my schizophrenia by any means.  It can be so hard for me to discern reality, truth, and mental illness sometimes. 


justLacey said...

Sometimes I forget that your reality may be different inside than what we see on the outside. I hope you are just looking for new ways of helping you cope in your daily life. If it is too much, then certainly we don;t expect you to overwhelm yourself. Dad is concerned because he has seen more than we have. I would wonder about him if he weren't at least cautious on your behalf. I know he loves you.

forsythia said...

I'm off for awhile on vacation, but even while I'm gone I will think of you every day and wish you well.

Sharon said...

Even though you think things are out of control, take some credit in the fact that you are being extremely proactive in your recovery. The fact that you are seeking assistance from AA and County Mental Health - and, you did it on your own without being forced - means on some level you have things more together than you realize. I think you're on the right track, and please know we're still going to be here for you to vent to and talk to whenever you need us.

Sharyna said...

I have learned to appreciate my manic phases. I get so much done! I think the AA is a good idea since you don't have a jam packed social life. Maybe you'll meet some nice people...You used to have a friend in AA. A woman. I don't remember her name. But you went to breakfast with her.

Beth said...

You might think about counseling to help you with your phobias and social anxiety, but also as another check-and-balance for your illness. You must feel comfortable with the counselor, enough to really open up eventually.

You may need to enlist help from Dad and Mom to do this either financially or emotionally. And you may not be ready to do that. Just think about it.

I understand Dad's caution, Andrew, because I'm in the same position with my daughter. Any out-of-the-ordinary (for her) behavior raises my awareness and I become very watchful and a bit wary. She is a recovering addict as well as schizophrenic, and I don't yet trust that she won't use again. Like you, I think, she is very high functioning and intelligent, and copes pretty well with her illness most of the time. I love her and want her to be well, or at least better, and to have a decent quality of life. It is hard not to worry.