Monday, March 22, 2010

My Thoughts for the Day…

One Big Bundle of Mental Illness…

I had my first real panic attack in months last night.  I lay on the bed with my heart thumping in my chest uncontrollably.  My vision got all squirrelly.  I was scared to death.  It took a complete hour for me to get over it.

I had put on my contacts for the first time in months last night.  I could actually see for a change and noticed how dirty my floors were.  I got in this cleaning frenzy, doing laundry, vacuuming floors, polishing furniture.  Suddenly, the room started to spin.  “Oh, my God, NO!” I thought in a panic.  I guess I just tried to do too much.  This completely dashed my hopes of returning to work.  How can I not clean my own home and hope to work an eight hour job filled with social and work stress?  I wanted to cry and I did after dad left last night from seeing me.

“How was you day?” dad asked me last night during Maggie’s food ritual.

“I’ve had a bad one,” I told him. “I had a panic attack.”

No consolation.  Nothing.  He was only concerned about feeding Maggie.  I have never felt so alone in all my thirty seven years on this Earth.  I realized the only people I had to turn to were the people on my blog and I still hesitated to write this. 

I finally went to bed very early at nine thirty and slept until four thirty this morning.  At least, my sleeping habits have somewhat normalized.  I am sleeping more hours at a time for a change.  This morning I still feel shaky though.   I thought of pacing the floor for hours hoping that would chase away the blues.  I couldn’t do it, though.  I have this supreme feeling of restlessness with no outlet.  Here’s to hoping the day gets better as it progresses.  I certainly don’t want those panic attacks to return in force.  It would be one of the most devastating things to happen to me in years of recovery. 


C.A. said...

Dearest are not alone. Please let that thought wash over you and comfort you in times of anxiety. There is a world full of people out here who adore you and who's lives would be changed without your daily posts. I've been here for years now, and you are a part of my everyday life. When you are happy, my heart smiles. When you are suffering it saddens me. Though we may not all be physically there, I think I can speak for many many people when I say we are there with you in loving, caring spirit.

Big, peaceful hugs....


Sharon said...

You have all of our good wishes and we pray that you feel better soon. I know what you're going through can feel overwhelming and defeating, but you'll get through this just fine. We're sending you good, healing energy. Take care of yourself.

PipeTobacco said...


I am sorry sir, that you are feeling so rough. The only thing I can think of to help rough times like these (for me anyhow), are to have pleasant routines that you strive for daily. You have so many options that you could try if you like this idea:

1. Walks
2. Hanging with George
3. Library visits
4. Talking with the "Old Gang" for instance... have you seen Dumpster Diving Dan anytime recently?

Or perhaps do something new... maybe instead of scenery photography... take a stab a ART photography. Think about it, the more esoteric and different you make the image, the more it can be called ART. It could be fun to experiment.

So, again, moderation is the key to success, and I hope you feel more joy soon.


This IS The Fun Part! said...

It's true, Andrew. You're not as alone as you may think in this battle. We may not be physically there holding your hand - but in our minds, we are doing all we can to help!

I can't speak for others - but I do know that I honestly feel that you are almost like one of my own children. My concern for you surprises me, frankly! It's hard to explain it because I don't really understand it myself, LOL!

All I know is that I see a lot of people reaching out to you with your well-being as their only motive. That's a good thing!

We're there . . . you just can't see us.

In friendship,

Joy Heather said...

I agree with 'grannie' & 'pipe tobacco'..There are so many folk, me included, who feel for you and want only the best for you..its as if I know you, i think thats because you share so much of yourself in your blogs and you are so honest... that is both endearing and touching at the same time..if you are having a bad time its as if one of my friends/family is suffering. The idea of some sort of artwork is a good it would stop you thinking about other things.I'm Sorry about your Dad..maybe he just didn't know how to react..especially if he had been away. I pray that the panic attacke dont come back & that you are able to fill your mind with good & productive things..You will be back to normal soon i feel sure...Although i have only been commenting on your Blog for about a year..I used to read you for a few years but didn't comment( you were one of the blogs my cousin reccomemded )..and i have read some of your archives as well, and you have always been so honest...I think its how you share yourself so fully..that makes people care for you and want only the best for you..Take care of yourself Andrew..Love to You & Maggie

Beth said...

You can call your psychiatrist, can't you, and tell him about the panic attacks? Your dad just doesn't understand what they can do, I think, or how terrified they make you feel. It is important to remember that you DID GET OVER IT, though -- "this, too, shall pass."

Love the idea of 'art' photography as a new passion to try. And of taking walks outside with Maggie and observing all the spring flowers and buds.

Do you have a counselor or case manager you can talk to, one who is your advocate? Remember, too, that your family loves you and just hopes for healing for you. Sometimes it is hard to see a loved one going through such anguish and to be so helpless to help. I speak from experience.

Courage! Blessings~!

justLacey said...

You have nothing to fear but fear itself. Your chemicals have been off balance, they will take time to re-regulate. Know this and realize that it is just a small step backwards. You will be better in no time. Cleaning always keeps me too busy to panic. I think it helps. You have to find something that keeps your mind off of your troubles. It really helps.

Charlotte said...

You are NOT alone! Just know that someone out here in blogland cares. I pray for you often and though I may not comment often, I read EVERY post. You're an inspiration to me... living with mental illness is not easy, but you ARE doing it... you ARE living. If you EVER want to talk, you can email me or find me on Facebook. I know you hate Facebook, but it's my outlet to the world.

Thinking of you...

Maire said...

Hi Andrew I agree with all the wonderful, supportive advice your dear readers have given you! I know how difficult change can be, you've already accomplished so much, I have no doubts you will continue to explore & discover new talents you have.
Here's a thought: Whenever I change eye glasses & my vision is changed even a little, it physically throws me off balance & can cause anxiety, could it be a similar trigger for you?
Hugs, Maire