Monday, March 15, 2010

My Thoughts for the Day…

George is Jumping on the Work Bandwagon…

“What is your biggest obstacle to returning to work?” George asked me last night as we sat in my den smoking cigars.

“Anxiety/Panic attacks,” I replied. “Nothing would scare me worse than getting caught at work and having one.  They are a horrible, extremely physical experience.”

George looked deep in thought for answers.  George, as do I, wants me to be independent.  He thinks my father is a bad influence upon me.  He thinks dad is a control freak and it is none of his business what a grown man does with his life whatever it may be. 

“I wish we could get you something to take when you get like that,” George finally said.  “We could dope you up and put you to work!”

He laughed.

I haven’t had a anxiety attack in two months cross my fingers.  I am hitting the streets today to look for more jobs – putting out my reach as far as possible.  I want some of my dignity and pride back.  I also want a new computer and diet Cokes and Tylenol and aspirin when I need them.  And no more bullshit when I run out of groceries.  I just want to drive to the store and buy me some sandwiches with MY money. 

A Case of Temptation…

I went to bed around 8pm and slept until 2am.  Strange hours.  I still don’t know what makes me tick sleep wise.  I paced the floor for several hours until sitting down to update my template and write a blog post.  I realized this morning that I no longer read one single blog other than mine.  All my favorite authors quit writing or wrote so infrequently it was frustrating.  Has blogging become passé?  Am I just some old relic from another time when I should be on Facebook writing milquetoast material at best because all my former classmates are reading?  I could never write about my illness (unless it was cancer or a cold) on Facebook or my struggle with addiction. 

George and I only managed to drink one case of beer – him much more than I.  That other case is calling my name this morning.  I was always a morning drinker.  I would start drinking as soon as I got up.  When I worked at Auburn University, I would have a beer in my bedroom just to get going for the day and to stop the shakes.  But I have jobs to apply for today.  Bigger goals.  The drinking will just have to wait.    


Beautifully Profound said...

It'll come just be patient. My offer still stands from Twitter. If you feel comfortable I can send you some lovely photos of Australian landscape and wild life that I've taken since I've arrived here. Good luck with the job hunting though. Take care.

Jamie said...

Everything I feel has already been said. Just know that we all love you here, and only want the best. Please get the beer out of your house...and talk with your doc about upping the risperdal (?) back to where it was before. Please. Hugs as always...Jamie

An Irish Friend of Bill said...

You need to pour the beer down the sink while on the phone to another AA member, or anyone who knows what alcohol reduced you too before and can see where this is heading. ie not george.

Jenn said...

This seems like a slippery slope to me. Good luck!

impromptublogger said...

Andrew, I have to agree with many of the others. It is killing me to see you starting with the drink again - it only needs to more pain and loss of control in your life.

Please get help. I too can no longer read you going down your path of destruction it is too painful for me too watch (like a train wreck). I do care a lot about you and that is why I am going to have to take a break from reading you.

Bless you in your moments of weakness and if you can't trust yourself right please go somewhere that will hold you up.

Annabel said...

I have a lot of mixed feelings based on this post.
1. Guilt because I've been a horrible blogger and you used to read mine daily.
2. Frustration with your choices of late.
and a bunch of other feelings that I can't seem to put in words right now. I worry about you and don't want you to make some huge mistakes. Think things through first. What will your father's reaction be when he finds out you've been drinking? Are you ready for the fall out of that? I know you're in a catch-22 right now and I wish I had better advice. You want your father to trust you more and then you betray his trust. I'm not saying I agree with everything he's done and the way he has treated you, but he does know you better than any of us that read your blog. I just don't think getting a job is the answer for you right now and the problem with "drinking in moderation" is something I don't think you can do... you rarely do anything in moderation - cokes, tylenol, bendryl, etc.
I worry about you. Please be careful and try not to be rash just because you want more freedom.

Sharyna said...

Not going to lecture you. But, honey, you're cycling. Every year, about this time, you get the urge to work. This time, I think you've researched it in regards to your Social Security. Good luck on your job hunt! I look forward to your work stories!

This IS The Fun Part! said...

I'm not much into lectures today either - but you're not paying attention to what all of your biggest supporters are trying to say to you!

You have our attention! We are asking you not to take this path again. Do we have your attention?

What will happen to Maggie if you are in rehab for weeks or months??

Love ya,

pattycakes said...

wow your really sinking fast , i know u like george and his mother but perhaps you shouldnt see him so much , you know your family cares about you and thats why they are so non trusting , because they know you have a hard time coping with things , i know it appears to the outside world your father interferes but who else would care enough to ? please go to an AA meeting , tell them how hard its been or at least tell your doctor when you are with him whats going on .
i wish u luck and please keep writing we need to know your ok

PipeTobacco said...

Hello Sir:

I hope things go well. I am not sure what to suggest about work. I think the anxiety issues may make it too unwieldly, but you can decide. Still for a feeling of greater purpose, perhaps volunteering may still be a worthwhile solution that will give you that good feeling without the anxiety?

I hope that you do not take the negative votes about George into account. I have always thought George is a great friend and I think he still continues to be.

You and he both need have to think about the drinking issue. If you both feel you can do so in a moderate way, then there is no real problem at all. But just be sure to keep moderation as the focus. You are stronger than you often think you are.

I feel a bit sad that you do not read my blog any longer. I suspect I fit both into the boring and infrequent categories.


Joy Heather said...

I too wish you luck looking for work, but as i said in my previous comment..the Drink will hold you back from anything productive..simply because you have a drink problem....i dont think you can have just one or drink in know this from your A.A. days..also you dont se things clearly when you are drinking...About your blogging reference..lots of folk still write very interesting blogs...i read them fequently, even i have got too one that is perhaps more serious than the other..but there are lots of VERY good blogs out there..if you only read your ownhow will you ever know..i'm sure some of your loyal followers also write interesting blogs..but to become inward looking is all part & parcel of the drinking problem you have Andrew...once again i implore you do Andrew to please go and see a Doctor and get yourself sorted out...none of us want to watch the decline of an astute,clever man, who could have so much going for him..if he would only pull himself up by the bootstrings and sort himself out....i am sorry if i sound harsh in this comment..but believe it or not its because i actually care!