Thursday, March 4, 2010

My Thoughts at the End of the Day…

The Defeated Man…

Mom ate at Rodger’s tonight and then brought Maggie and I a barbeque plate – a welcomed surprise for a Thursday night.  We were sitting in my den when mom asked, “What’s wrong with you?  You’ve seemed off for the past few days.”

“Oh, I’ve just had a tough few days that have made me question everything and anything.  I am really struggling with my obsessive compulsiveness.  The Luvox has quit working I fear,” I replied.  “I called dad today and told him I was willing to move into that home for the mentally disabled where Jeffrey lives. I don’t want to always be a burden on ya’ll.”

“It’s your father’s fault you are a burden on us and not yours,” mom told me, her honesty and lucidity surprising me. “If he would just let you have money again then you wouldn’t be so reliant on me for everything.”

“You and I both know he will never, ever give me money again for as long as he is my representative payee,” I replied glumly.

“I know,” mom said, looking deep in thought. “He handles all my money as well.”

“I know why you can’t go live in that home!” mom then exclaimed almost sounding excited.

I looked up smiling.

“Your father would give Maggie away and you can’t smoke in it!  It would be like living in a mental hospital!”

I laughed. She was so right. 

“So no more talk of going to live in mental institutions,” mom said as she got up to leave. “I would miss you more than anything.  I enjoy getting your groceries and giving you your Cokes every night.  Don’t think you are a burden on me.”

Mom gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.  I felt so much better.  Mom and I never got along when I was growing up – always at arms with each other over something.  It is nice to have the relationship we have these days.  

10 comments:

Summer said...

Trust me on this, your mother and father would miss you terribly if you went to live there. The little things they do for you is a source of pleasure for them. It's not often that we can do things for our kids when they are grown up. We take care of you for so long and almost feel useless when you grow up and no longer need us for every little thing.

Like they say, "It's nice to be needed."

Leann said...

Ditto what Summer said Andrew.

This IS The Fun Part! said...

What a wonderful conversation to have with your mother. I think you both pretty much put it on the line and bared your souls. I think you both showed how much you need each other.

I wonder if maybe your trip to wine country is making you feel that you need even more supervision? Forget the guilt. It's over - it's in the past and can't be taken back. All you can do for yourself is vow to do better next time.

We're here to help you over those bumps in the road. We care and want you to be a success in your quest for comfort and happiness.

Love,
Grannie

Charlotte said...

Not only would your family miss you, but so would your friends in cyberspace! I know what it's like to feel defeated and sometimes want to just give up. I have wanted to throw in the towel MANY times and just end all the internal pain. But... it's the love of my family that keeps me going; keeps me wanting to keep on keeping on. And I know it's the love of your family that keeps you going. You aren't a burden to them... you are a source of love... never forget that. :-)

Charlotte said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
justLacey said...

We would miss you terribly too. Grannie gave you some good advice. If this is what a bottle of wine does for you, is it really worth it? My guess is no and maybe you just needed to know that for yourself.

skinny minny said...

I am wondering if the change in your shot medicine is having some affect too? have you thought to call your doctor about it? did he give something in addition to cutting back on your shot to make up for the lower dose?
oh and I agree with granny yesterday is over and done can't get it back so give up the guilt caused by it and move forward into today.♥

skinny minny said...

oh and I know easier said than done but if you make the concerted effort to put it out in the trash and walk away you can...takes time and practice and forgiveness but you can do it.

Joy Heather said...

Dont ever think of going into one of those places Andrew...you would be missed by family & friends alike..but most of all by Maggie..and that is not the answer...deep down you know this my friend. Your conversation with your Mom was eye opening, she is very cany despite her problems...and she was so right, its good you got it into perspective.

Joy Heather said...

Dont ever think of going into one of those places Andrew...you would be missed by family & friends alike..but most of all by Maggie..and that is not the answer...deep down you know this my friend. Your conversation with your Mom was eye opening, she is very cany despite her problems...and she was so right, its good you got it into perspective.