I am feeling better today. More positive. My old pastimes of listening to the radio and getting involved with the computer are bringing me satisfaction and joy again. For a few days there, a week, I was so out of sorts. A throwback to my days of wanton addiction indulgence. I realized all areas of my life spiraled out of control. The drinking. The bulimia. I hadn’t eaten a good meal in over a week! I had made myself sick. I also started to take Benadryl again and would take 18 or 24 at a time until I was out of it. During all of this, I lost my glasses. I don’t know where they went. Luckily, I had some hard contacts and have been wearing them since despite the discomfort they bring me. I have a very old pair of glasses, but they are like looking out the bottoms of fish bowls.
I just took mom her birthday card.
“I love you more than anything,” I told her.
She have me a big hug and I kissed her on the cheek. She handed me my six diet Cokes and I smiled feverishly. I couldn’t wait to get home to drink them. I really needed a pick me up to get me going.
I am debating on going to an AA meeting in Lagrange, Georgia tonight at 7pm. We still have very few meetings offered here in town. I am worried about the gas cost and if my car will break down on the long drive. I guess I am trying to find any excuse to not commit. I am scared. Very scared of what someone may say to me or just a furtive glance in my direction. That old social anxiety is holding me back. Going to AA is a very social thing and that scares me to death. I know after a few meetings I will feel comfortable again. I just have to make myself go!