Monday, March 22, 2010

It’s Going to be Okay!

That’s what mom told me tonight.  I was down and out about addiction and mental illness.  Earlier in the week, I submitted to a drug test at my father’s request and it came back negative.  He was just sure I was on something, thus causing my problems with mental illness.

“I love you momma,” I told mom tonight. “You’ve all I’ve got.  Dad hates me.”

“He doesn’t hate you!” mom said. “He is just hard hearted in his elder years.”

“Get in the car and let’s drive around,” she said, as I sat down in the passenger’s seat.

We drove out Spring Road far out into the countryside out of the town’s limits.  I ate my two burritos mom had bought for me for fast food Mondays. 

“Seeing you upset makes me upset,” mom told me as we pulled back in front of my house.  “You’re my son.  I want you to be okay!”

“I’ll be okay,” I replied. “Just being with you tonight made me feel better.”

I shut the door and watched mom drive off into the drizzle that was now falling.  I had never felt so alone in all my life.  I only had one choice.   To get back on the straight and narrow and to try and win my father’s trust if such a thing could be won.  I just want his love and affection.   I want back the father that would used to hold me in his lap and laugh.  What we’ve all been through with me and mom has us all jaded, cynical, and hard.   We are all victims of the battlefield of family that can be mental illness.  Can such things even be undone?  I don’t know.  I really don’t want to think about  it now that I’ve written this.  I just want to drink my two cokes and get lost reading about other’s lives on Twitter. 


justLacey said...

You need to say to your father what you have just told us. I know he loves you, but he is afraid you will let him down again. That is why he has hardened himself, as a form of protection.

mxtodis123 said...

Your mom is right. Your dad doesn't hate you. He's afraid of being he puts up this shield. The trust will come back, just be patient. It may take sometime. Relationships take time to be rebuilt, but it is not impossible. The first step is for you to do as justLacy said. Sit your dad down and tell him what you just said here.

Andrew, I wasn't going to post again, but I wanted to let you know that in my earlier post, I was in no way insinuating that you were childlike and didn't have a mind of your own. On the contrary, I enjoy your posts and was devastated when you began drinking again, but I see you now pulling yourself back together. I'll have 18 years in recovery this August....and I know from experience, that in my early days of recovery, I couldn't deal with people who were drinking. Some of us are lucky. We can do Rational Reovery, but others, like me, cannot have just one. What is the old saying "One is not enough and 1,000 is never enough." I've an addictive personality, and from what I've seen from you, you do too. Nothing is middle ground for us. If I had hurt your feelings in any way, I apologize, but I was reaching out as a friend. I know George is important to you, and I only wish he would stop drinking...but my worries are that he will catch you on one of your vulnerable days. Gosh, I didn't mean to write a book. Sorry. Be strong, Andrew.

This IS The Fun Part! said...

Maggie jumped in George's lap at that moment in an attempt to change the subject! She knew you really didn't want any more beers!

I like the changes in the blog. . . keeping it fresh for us, huh?

At least George really is using his head. Getting the Sprite was a good idea. He's trying so hard to help. I just don't think he knows what to do for you. I'm so glad that you have him.

Give your mom a big hug. She sure does love you. So does your dad. He just has trouble expressing it. In a few days he'll be back to joking and showing his affection again.

I love you, too!

C.A. said...

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you. :)

Big Hugs....


Sharyna said...

Dad drug tested you!?! What did he think you were on? And with what money does he think you purchased these drugs?

forsythia said...

You've been through a lot. Hope things settle down and the skies brighten up for you.

Lena said...

Take care, Andrew. You are getting there slowly but surely. As a parent, I get your dad. He loves you, but he is scared. You have been through a lot as a family.

Blessings to u all.

Maire said...

Hi Andrew, I truly believe if your Dad didn't live you, he wouldn't feel so emotionally vulnerable & concerned for you. He can't understand on the level that your Mom does; because he's never experienced what you both go through.
I think maybe a counselor who can work with all if you would be productive in helping you in a more objective way then your family can & at the same time maybe be helpful to your Dad.
You have much more inner strength then you realize, it's a great thing to be able to put your feelings on paper. I hope it helps validate that for you.

Leaking Moonlight said...

Wishing you many, many hopeful moments. And a huge hug from Texas.

Joy Heather said...

Your Mom is a rock for you at these times because she understands your problems...but you & your Dad will be fine again soon i am was only a few weeks ago that you were saying how good things were between you....all families have these low times Andrew wether they are battling mental illness of not, with some folk its money, alcohol,anger probs.etc.. many different things..Your Dad probably doesn't know how to react at the moment...but you are doing so well by staying strong & not drinking..because you KNOW the problem you have when you do and i admire you so much for that stregth...and im sure your Dad will soon as too, once he realises how hard you are trying...thinking of you.

Joy Heather said...

P.S. i was surprised to read your Father went to the extreme of having a blood test for you, that would have upset me...but the fact that it came up negative will go a long way to showing him you are not drinking or taking drugs and im sure he will be fine again soon.