Monday, February 1, 2010

Choices and Ramifications…

I had been homeless for about six months when I called my mother from my deceased grandmother’s house.  I had a key from when I lived with her.  Mom, her usually fretting self, immediately went into action.  She turned on the heat and made me a bed. “You’re not going to be homeless,” she told me. My father wasn’t too pleased, but what could he do?  Cast his son aside despite all his faults and drunkenness?

I had planned on going to Nashville to live.  From reading “The Homeless Guy” I knew I could get a place to sleep, three meals a day, and social worker help.  I would also have my full disability allotment to drink with.  I wouldn’t have any expenses other than cigarettes and beer.   It was sad, though, that my life had come to this.  To spend the rest of my days sleeping and eating in homeless shelters while getting drunk during the day.  I had two choices; to be put under my father’s harsh regime and live a semi normal life, or move to Nashville and probably die of cirrhosis in a few years.

I chose the former.  I realize dad can be harsh.  It is only because he cares.  I was unable to care for myself and he took over.  Many fathers would say to hell with that; he’s a grown man.  Let him fend for himself.   I was like a small child who needed care and guidance.  I always was and still am to a certain point.

When I write about dad and our interactions, you are only seeing my point of view.  You are not reading his.  I realize I can put him in a not so flattering light and I apologize for this.  He’s a good man; a responsible man. He has had to deal with two very mentally ill family members and do what he sees is best.  Despite our semi-frequent squabbles with dad, mom and I have good lives.  I have Maggie which brings me no end of joy.  I have an EXTREMELY nice computer setup and the Internet is my life. I lack for nothing except money.  I have some of the first friends in years in George and Mrs. Florene. 

I do believe trust will come with time.  It might take years, but those are years I would never have if I had chosen life in Nashville and drank myself to death.  Here, I have a fighting chance with sobriety.  I have a good life here.  Yes, it is easy to lament what you don’t have, but that is human nature.  With dad’s help maybe one day I can be independent.      

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am so glad that you did not decide to go to nashville. it would have been a very sad life. yes we can just see your point of view but i can see that he cares for you alot even when it seems like he is being harsh. i am glad that you can tell that he cares for you. it is cold here today but the sun is shining which helps my mood to be able to see it. hope that you have a good day. also from the time we met via blogs you are more independent i see. liz

Hap Joy Free said...

and dont forget your internet friends,, yous have US too! You are an amazing, compassionate man, Andrew, and I am glad to know you!

Now about that Maggie...where'e her latedt video? How about your dress her up like a princess, with a tiara and tu-tu and take a litl video for us? :)

kristi said...

Andrew I understand exactly what you are saying. I blog to vent and sometimes people take it as I am always complaining about my husband and sometimes I am but I do love him. Sorry I am rambling now!

Andrew said...

Liz,

I am glad I didn't go to Nashville either as well. I WILL get mad at dad and threaten to go, though! LOL Just me being an asshole.

I'm glad the sun is shining for you. It always picks up my spirits as well. It is kinda overcast today though here. Thank you for being such a good and thoughful friend.

Andrew said...

Christina,

A Maggie video coming up in 3,2,1...

Andrew said...

Kristi,

You took the words straight outta my mouth. I do the same thing. I use my blog to vent sometimes and people can take it that my father is a monster. He's not. He's a good man.

Joy Heather said...

You always say good things about your Dad, and everyone who reads your blog knows that your Love and respect for him is a two way thing, he proves his love for you on a daily basis....It is normal to use our blogs to sound of from time to time..i have done that, often..then a couple of days later deleted what i have written..it just seems to help sometimes putting it into writing...its good to see you are feeling positive again and seeing all the good things in your Life...has Georges Computer been fixed up yet ??

Andrew said...

Joy,

George's computer is installed and he is on the Internet. He was on PokerStars when I left. He will probably play for hours. I was wanting to show Mrs. Florene how to email me. Alas, not today. lol

Leann said...

I hate to think what might have happened to you had you chosen Nashville instead of the safety of your family.

You are correct, you have an awesome father who takes very good care of you and your mother.

It is far too easy for us to sit on the other side of your computers and lament about how distrustful and controlling your father is. If I have been in that group I apologize.

I wish only the best for you and Maggie :-)

Blessings my dear and enjoy your Monday.

Andrew said...

Leann,

Thank you for the kind words. It's not your fault. It is the picture I have painted on the blog. That is going to change if I can help it.

Jamie said...

For me at least, you did not have to write this. I have been reading a long time, and I know how much you love and care about your dad, and how much he does the same for you. I have tried to put myself in his shoes and often have wondered how he manages...but, on the other hand, the same goes for you. He IS a good dad. You are a good son, and I am so proud of you. Hugs, friend. :)

Andrew said...

Jamie,

Thank you so much for the kind words. I would say you are one of my longest readers so you've been with me through thick and thin. Thank you for sticking around.

Andrew

justLacey said...

You know that as a parent, I always try to help you see why it is your father is the way he is. I am glad to know that you can understand it in your heart. I never see him as a monster, but as a man coping with the life he has been given in the best way he can. I think for the most part his intentions are good and I know he would love for you to be able to be independent, and at the same time fears you can't. Just keep on doing what you are doing Andrew. I am so sure he is proud of the progress you have made.

Andrew said...

Lacey,

I knew you would understand. Thank you.

Andrew