Saturday, January 30, 2010

Showing the Utmost in Restraint…

I haven’t written about it on the blog, but I haven’t felt good lately.  It is time for my injection again.  I’ve been feeling so tired and worn out – like I've run a marathon.  The highlight of my day is to go sit with mom two hours and just talk.  Much to my chagrin, dad cut that out last night.

“You can con your mother,” he said.. “She will give you anything save money.  She has a soft heart for you.”

“No, No, No!  You just wait a minute!” I replied angrily. “I would never impose on mom.  I love her. I’ve changed.”

“Well still,” dad said animatedly. “I have potent prescribed drugs in the house. There are Coor’s lights for your brother-in-law in the fridge downstairs, and your mother will just leave her purse anywhere allowing you to take money to get drunk.”

I felt a deep sadness - an all encompassing sadness. I hadn’t taken money out of my mother’s purse in years and I hate Coor’s light beer.  I left before dad could finish his tirade.  “I’m not finished , he said sticking his head out the back door.  “Well, I am,” I replied with tears streaming down my cheek's. “You’re not treating me like that when I’ve done nothing wrong.”  I wasn’t going to be degraded any longer.

I drove home crying.  I had held off long enough to make it too the car before the heaven’s opened up. I beat my fists against the steering wheel I was so frustrated.  I wanted to hit the man – to give him a good sucker punch. I was so angry and i felt so badly.  I wanted to give him a good old fashioned ass kicking as i am a much larger man than he. 

I won’t go into the semantics of it all, but Maggie and I left for our walk when I drove home.  She had the best time, and it actually brought a smile to my face.   Maggie really was my best medication today.


Hap Joy Free said...

Aw, Im so sorry for your frustration, Andrew. It seems that his control over your life has deepend, and boundaries are needed on your end.

People will control us to the level we allow. I think he will back down when you stand up. He is ruling by fear (of your drinking, stealing, using) and fear is his master. Dont let it be yours, my friend.

Berryvox said...

:( Your father overdoes it by a long shot.

Leann said...

((hugz)) I hope you have a much better weekend Andrew.

I find it shameful that your father does not give you the credit you deserve in having resisted the temptations thrown your way. I believe in you Andrew.

Anonymous said...

Oh Andrew,this is so wrong IMO.How long before his trust is restored?
If some damned pills and booze and heaven forbid money is his reasoning for not affording you the pleasure and comfort of your mothers company then he simply needs to put it all in the fridge with a padlock on it!
Big Momma Hugs 'n Belly Rubs,

Hap Joy Free said...


perhaps you can suggest dad lock up the pills, and NOT have beer if it makes HIM concerned.

A son should always be welcome in his own parents home.


sorry today has been so gloomy gus and full of pus. :(

glad that Maggie will always conditionally be there for you when certain moments end up like curve balls.

thinking of you.


Anonymous said...

thinking of you. i agree that it is your dad's issues that are blaring. it would be hard to not peronalize it but try not to. if he is that concerned about things than lock them up or plan not to keep beer in the fridge when your brother is not over and things like that. maybe in a strange way he is feeling like he is losing control since you are doing so much better these days. i know for me things are worse when i am tired and worn out. i hope that your dad and you can talk civily soon. i am thinking of you this weekend and said a prayer for you. liz

Anonymous said...

i agree with you at how great gracie can be as medication for me some times. i know maggie can be for you. it is amazing at how well our animals know us and know what to do to help us. liz

This IS The Fun Part! said...

I pretty much agree with what has been said before me. Dad is over reacting out of fear. But I think he is really trying to protect you in the best way he knows. I don't think he was trying to hurt you.

If he knew of the temptations that you have turned and walked away from lately, he would be amazed. Of course he would probably have a hissie fit, too! But, he would be amazed that you have become strong enough to walk away.

The best way to prove him wrong is to continue your successful progress. If you slip even one inch you will be proving him right.

Can you have your conversations with mom on the phone instead? I know it's a bummer to always be the one that has to compromise - but it's better than no talks with mom at all!

Besides, what kind of example would you be setting for Mrs. Florene's little boy if you were to slug it out with your dad? He needs you too much right now! You're supposed to be the GOOD example!

I think it's obvious to you by now that we all love you - and don't mind a bit when you unload this stuff on us. That's what friends are for.


justLacey said...

Lots of good advice from people who love you. Your dad can be harsh, but I don't doubt that he loves you. Perhaps his frustration stems from something other than you. It must worry him inside what will be come of you and your mother if something happens to him. I am not defending his actions, only trying to maybe help you understand them.
In any event. You have accomplished so many great things. Thank heaven for Maggie. I know my pup always makes me feel better when things go wrong (and there have been plenty this last year). Just continue to enjoy the time with your mom and all else is really unimportant.

joyous melancholy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
joyous melancholy said...

(Sorry, my first comment was formatted weird, so I deleted it. I hope this one shows up correctly.)

I know you and your mom both have official diagnoses, but I'm willing to bet just about anything that if your father ever took stock of his life and sought therapy himself, he would find he isn't quite as together as he thinks he is. Control issues, hubris, a need to rescue you and your mother both...  He seems to thrive when you and your mother are at your worst, and he can be the hero who saves the day. 

The truth is, no amount of rules or strict regulations imposed by him will keep you from giving in to your addictions any more than his lack of rules would cause you to falter. YOU are the only one who can choose to fail or succeed, no one else can do it for you. 

I know it comes from a place of love -- I see the same thing with my parents and my sister. But when that love becomes so overbearing that you aren't even allowed to make your own simple decisions,  then it robs you of your humanity and your dignity, and that's not what love is supposed to be. A lot of abuse is done in this world in the name of love. The best intentions don't make the actions right.  

If you are not allowed to have any responsibility for your actions, then you are not allowed to be an adult. What does he think will happen to you when he is not around anymore to make your decisions for you? He is not setting you up for success later on down the line. 

When you get like this, you need all the comforts you can get. Don't let him take from you or your mother this small comfort that you find in each other. It will cause more damage than any good he's trying to do.  

Anonymous said...

Joyous,beautifully written!

Rita Mosquita said...

When I first read your post today, I was so sad for you and angry at your dad. I have been reading your blog for a few years. You have made incredible growth and progress. I went and did a bunch of errands and am now thinking about your post. I think you are lucky to have a father who has done so much for you, but he too has issues. Don't we all? I know he will come to his senses and realize he has made a mistake in what he said. What he said is not right, but he usually realizes it sooner or later.

Marsha said...

I've been saying it all along. It's about time everyone else sees it too, especially you, Andrew.

He needs therapy just as much, if not more than you and your mother.

Have you ever noticed he brings up your "drinking" and addictions ALL the time? He thinks he's the one keeping you from drinking....NOT. Hell, he fed your Benedryl addiction! Are you going to tell me as a pharmacist he didn't know that was dangerous?! That's not love, Andrew. That's control.

He throws you a compliment now and again, to keep you quiet, passive and grateful. Grateful for what??

Does he drive you to counseling? Does he care that your mother sleeps away her days? Of course not. He needs her to keep quiet too. Seems like he's the only one living a "good" life. Do I need to mention his "friend"?

I wouldn't be surprised if he's socking away your money in an account you'll never see.

He NEEDS you to be disabled. I said it along time ago...go to social services and try to get out from under his thumb. You can do it. Look at what you have done already?!

Good luck, and try the book, Boundaries, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

C.A. said...

Just want you to know I am thinking of you, dear friend. Remember that you are so very loved and cared for by people you have not even "met".

Big Hugs.....


Anonymous said...

Dads are sometimes like that...dont take it to heart ok
but i understand how u must b feeling...still he loves u as much .... he will say sorry to u soon.
Take care of ur health and cheer up ok
Best wishes from,

skinny minny said...

pups are great comfort in times of distress. what about your mom coming over to your house to visit? i also like the phone has always aounded to me like your Dad though he loves you and wants what he thinks is best for you has some co-dependant issues he needs to deal with. thinking of you.

sal said...

sometimes ya just gotta ride it out

Jamie said...

So, so many, way smarter than I have given good words of advice. No way I can compete with what's already been said, and maybe they are right. However, I have been reading your blog for many years and I think it's as simple as this:

Your dad had had a bad day, for whatever reason. He took it out on you like he often does...and he will be sorry, come around sucking up in a day or two. It's the way it always happens.

I am sorry this hurt you so badly and that you are struggling so much right now. Hang in, as you already know, this too shall pass.

Big hugs, good friend. :)

Joy Heather said...

This post really upset me Andrwew, as i know how well you have been doing in so many ways lately....PLEASE dont let this set you back. I can't understand your Dad at all, he said some pretty mean things & i can understand how you feel,..I do hope this is just a 'bad day'for him and that he soon realises, and you are able to sort it out.. I do think you need to seriously talk some things out with him....when you are able to sit down and talk to each other without the effects of this still ringing in your ears.!
You are doing so well and need more control over your own life, and encouragemnet not condemnation...this is not to rule your Dad out,.. just that you need to take even more steps towards self confidence, and the start of a freedom you will one day have to face anyway (sadly our parents dont live forever ) There is no way i feel,that you should ever be stopped from speaking to your Mom ( face to face if much better)..after all you have so much in common and can help each other, but mainly for NO other reason than she is your Mother. I am wondering what all this as done to your her anyway ??. it will give your Dad the oppurtunity to be in control once more, as i imagine she must be feeling pretty upset ??( if all this was said in front of her ?) Andrew please try to pick yourself up and let this be another stepping have done nothing wrong, dont let in cause you to stumble..rather let it be another means of growth for you in your journey..something else you can look back on and realise you have overcome yet another hurdle...but please talk things over with your Dad and be strong...bless Maggie, she is always there for you and must make you feel better.

Happyone :-) said...

Your dad certainly was a bit harsh and you sure didn't deserve that. I am so sorry he hurt you. Maybe he was just afraid for you and his caring came out in yelling.
I'm glad you have Maggie to brighten your mood.

Stephany said...

Your mom also benefits from your visits, he is hurting you both via his control issue.


Jane said...

thank goodness for pets. :O)

Lynx217 said...

I agree. You're going to have to stand up for yourself or it's only going to get worse. Glad you have such a sweet dog though.

Secret said...

Joyous melancholy made an excellent observation.

Sharyna said...

I don't think dad is being nice, keeping you from your mother! Let mom cuddle in bed with her purse, get rid of the beer and lock up the drugs. Mom is at least awake when you visit! That's good for her!

Andrew said...


He is still my father. I love him deeply. He has faults as do we all. I could be homeless. He saved me from that. Yes, I paid a price, but what price would I pay to be a homeless drunk in Nashville?