I've been watching way too much ShopNBC. I see all these cosmetic shows. Ya know? Women have to go through a lot of work to leave the house. And how do you learn to do this? Does your mom show you or teenagers? I don't think most guys ever think about this or appreciate what a woman does to look decent.
Monday, November 30, 2009
I should have never put that anti-AA blurb on my profile. AA is a good program! It has given millions hope and a new lease on life. I just couldn't deal with the religious aspects of the program. It just didn't fit for ME. Not the many who get sober using it. I will still recommend the program for people who ask.
I drove Mrs. Florene to church yesterday. In the car, she asked me if I thought an intervention would work on George. She had been watching that show on A&E.
"Interventions rarely work," I told her. "I learned from AA that you have to hit rock bottom to start to climb back up. George is a functional alcoholic so that doesn't seem likely."
"You know?" Mrs. Florene then said. "You hate to see your child suffer and it is like a slow death."
My heart went out to her when she said that. She is such a dear lady with a heart of gold. I told her I would get online and start looking for treatment centers. It gave her hope and that is something that can be in short supply with an addicted loved one.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
I spent most of yesterday afternoon in the emergency room. Early in the day, I called dad. "I need you now more than ever. Bring a Risperdal." I was too far gone though. Dad tried to nurse me through this, but when I lost motor control, he called the ambulance. It took hours for my memory to return and the whole ordeal is still kind of sketchy. Ya know? I've had a hard time with my mental illness lately. It keeps kicking me when I'm down. I pray I will have a reprieve today and a more normal day. Maggie, bless her heart, squealed for glee when I walked through my door to home yesterday afternoon. How's that for a welcoming committee?
Saturday, November 28, 2009
I always feel so odd at any of George's mom's soirees. Like the only white guy in town. We had a good time despite that. Mrs. Florene fixed her yeast biscuits and they were heavenly. She told me she was going to show me how to fix them soon. We also had a turkey and cornbread dressing. It was more traditional than dad's Thanksgiving. George did something entirely rude, though. He went and watched the football games on TV while we were eating. I though that was terrible. George can be so uncouth sometimes.
Friday, November 27, 2009
I never made it to Thanksgiving yesterday. I started to have an mental illness attack on the drive over to my parents. I turned around and headed home and spent the next few hours in misery. I remember crying and asking it to quit. Sorry for the bummer, but that's what happened.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Dad cooked a ham and turkey yesterday. He also cooked his crockpot dressing which is scrumptious. For dessert, he cooked a pumpkin pie and lemon meringue pie. We plan on eating around one. My sister and her family are driving down from Birmingham.
Amazingly? My social anxieties aren't getting the better of me this morning. I will soon take a shower and head over to help. I am also excited about telling dad what I want for Christmas. I want an I-pod classic.
Mrs. Jones is having her Thanksgiving meal tomorrow. I've already been invited and am going to bloat up with all the food.
I hope you all in the States have a good Thanksgiving. You will have to tell me what you are doing. Take care and I will probably post pictures tonight if I remember to take my camera.
Yesterday, I was desperate for a cigarette. I was having a hard day with my mental illness and knew the smoking would calm it. In a moment of rashness, I started back smoking. I haven't felt so embarrassed in years. I had been doing so well.
Also, the post about mom messing in her pants deeply and profoundly embarrassed me as well. I was completely taken by surprise about how that was taken. Even mom was laughing about it yesterday. If there was anyway possible to take that post back then I would. I apologize.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Something very embarrassing happened today. I just don't have the heart to write about. I think I am just going to draw this blog to a close on that note. Thank you all for reading so long. I am going to go slink back into my corner now.
Mom did something terrible to me last night.
"You still have a carton of cigarettes at the house if you need them for emergencies," she told me.
"Mom, you shouldn't have told me that," I replied, flabbergasted.
"Well, I was only trying to help," she told me.
Now, I have cigarettes on the brain. I woke up thinking about them and the first thing I did was reach for my cigarettes and lighter this morning. It is going to be a tough day knowing those cigarettes are over there. I am dying for one right now.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
I was telling dad last night that mom had told me she crapped in her pants over at Julia's yesterday. Dad burst out laughing.
"We really shouldn't be laughing about this. Ya know?" I told him.
"You're mother has been crapping in her pants for twenty years!" dad replied laughing.
We then both got to laughing about the matter. It really was nothing new that hasn't been happening for years. Mom is always on some crazy diet that keeps her stomach torn up.
This morning, I was headed to get my injection. I became disoriented and confused while I was driving. I am just so glad to be back home and safe. It scared me to death! I can still be so shaky at times regarding my mental illness.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Imagine my surprise at six this morning when Maggie showed restraint while all the neighborhood dogs were barking wildly. Something sure had them all riled up. Maggie was doing her usual muted cough barking routine. She was at the foot of the bed when I told her, "Go get 'em girl!" She tore out of the house barking wildly. "Hounds unleashed!" is what I amusingly thought. I do hope I've broken her of those after midnight doggie Tourettes she is prone to have. Having a little dog is like having a little two year old around the house all the time.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Maggie handled our four mile jaunt today with aplomb. I pushed it and tried to walk double our usual walk. Well, it is I who is not faring so well this afternoon. I am so sore I can barely walk. I guess I am just getting old. :-)
"Momma, Andrew's gone and quit smoking," George went and told his mother from across the table this morning. "I really don't see how he does it."
Mrs. Florene got up from her seat to give me a hug and then she looked at George sternly saying, "You could take a cue from him you know?"
It really did make me feel so good to get that hug. Dad is still on pins and needles on whether I will make it another week or not. Let's say he is guardedly optimistic.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Helen cooked supper tonight. It was the second meal Helen has cooked that I didn't like. It was baked chicken, green beans, steamed potatoes, and broccoli. It didn't help that mom fixed my plate and I got the worst cuts of baked chicken. I am spoiled and like the breasts and such. I called Helen on her cellphone after she left, "Next time you fix my plate," I told her. She laughed and said she would.
I'm still not smoking. It gets easier everyday. I hope tomorrow will even be easier as a stretch of days were very hard earlier in the week.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Well, at midnight tonight, it will have been six days smoke free! I never would have thought I would have made it this far. The peer pressure online has certainly helped. And it has also helped that I am broke at the moment - not a dollar to my name. The means when the terrible cravings strike, I can't just drive down the street to Rectum and buy a pack of smokes.
Yesterday was the hardest day yet. I now know why so many people with mental illness smoke. It is calming and comforting. It soothes the nerves.
Well, I can't wait till midnight tonight. My big goal is seven days - a whole week. I'll see ya later smoke free alligator!
Monday, November 16, 2009
I don't have much to say today. Tonight, at midnight I will be 5 days smoke free. I am experiencing some pretty harsh withdrawals today. This process has also played havoc with my sinuses. Hope to be able to say I am smoke free tomorrow!
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Once or twice a decade I get this feeling of fierce determination and can do amazing things to change my life. I get it from my mother. She used to could do this as well. Well, I felt it coming on the day before last. I realized I needed to capitalize on this once a decade "mood." I decided to quit smoking mainly because it has become such a G-D hassle. I had to call mom. Mom would call dad. And dad would usually call me bitching about how much I smoked. The cigarettes I smoked also went up ten dollars a carton the other day and that pissed me off.
"You could afford a new Honda Civic car payment for what you are spending on cigarettes these days," dad told me not too long ago.
All of these things precipitated this sudden change in my life. Let's hope this "fierce determination" lasts for a few weeks- giving me a chance to finally quit that terrible, stinky habit. It is going to take months to get this ash tray smell out of my house and every thing I own stinks! Ughhh!
Friday, November 13, 2009
I realize once I publish this that I will be committed to quitting smoking. I just got off the phone with my family practitioner. Dr. Kamath is going to call in some prescriptions to help with the quitting process. I smoked my last cigarette last night around midnight. I haven't felt this determined about quitting in years. I am also very excited, but realized the upcoming week is going to be tough. Very tough.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
The little Asian lady that walks by my house every morning knocked on my door today.
"Can we pick up pecans in your backyard?" She and her daughter asked.
"If you can put up with my dog barking incessantly," I replied.
Maggie surprised me. She didn't just go bonkers. She got to playing with the little girl. They were playing tug of war with a big pecan branch. It warmed my heart to see that. Maggie seems to have this second sense about people and whether they are good or not.
My cousin Johnny? Maggie hates him. She will sit close to me and bark every time he moves. He was over here the night before last and Maggie's behavior embarrassed me. It makes me wonder, though.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Maggie is all out of sorts. We've missed our walk for two days in a row. Yesterday, we had torrential rains all day. Today, I just didn't feel like walking two miles and it was so dreary and cold outside. Maggie's been sitting by the piano and wagging her tail wildly when I walk by. I keep her leash and harness on top of it. You should see me try and put it on. She wiggles so excitedly that it can be an ordeal. I get to laughing every time. "Hold still stinker!" I will say.
It is hard to eat healthy and the food not be bland. Tonight, I cooked salmon steaks and stir fried pole beans in vegetable oil. I kept thinking something was missing. BREAD! I was tempted to make some cornbread or biscuits, but didn't. My supper wasn't stellar, but I got full. My psychiatrist said the oils in fish are extremely beneficial for people with schizophrenia.
Poppa was really late with my medications tonight. I was getting kind of out done with him. The later it gets without my meds, the more downhill I go. I have to be subservient though and can't say anything. I wanted to holler at him and say, "Goddammit, you can't do me like this!" That thought played over and over in my head making me feel vindicated.
I felt better this afternoon. I called mom and told her I wanted to go with her when she shopped for my groceries. She was spending too much and getting prepared foods I frankly was tired of eating. Mom was leery at first thinking I would get in the way, but she was glad I went when all was said and done. I got lots of fresh veggies and fruits. Cooking healthy is this weeks mantra. I also loaded up on Kashi meals and cereals. I am taking my psychiatrists advise to heart.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Sorry for the lack of updates today. I'm just not feeling well - various mental illness issues. I thought when I got my injection this morning that I would feel better. I look forward to Poppa bringing my medications tonight. I felt so bad that I couldn't cook today and mom is bringing me a barbeque plate any minute now. I am headed back to bed.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Yesterday morning I ate breakfast with George and Mrs. Florene. She fried that wonderful Clark Brother's sausage. I must have eaten eight pieces. Mrs. Florene kept telling George that if he started to go to church, he would find a good and kind woman.
"Hush momma," George finally said. "I'm not going to church!"
I chuckled to myself. Mrs. Florene made a good point and anything was better than Pookie. I guess I need to heed her advise as well. Fred's Super Dollar Store isn't exactly the best place to pick up a date.
Music has been my passion these past few weeks. I can spend hours sitting in my Lazy Boy and listening to various albums. It is like I've discovered an undiscovered country for the first time.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Come take a walk with me! Maggie and I just finished our two mile jaunt. Boy, was it cold this morning and I was wishing I had remembered to bring my gloves. Maggie looked like a little spastic steam engine chugging down the street. She can really strut her stuff on these walks. I call her the small dog that thinks she is big. Machismo.
Sunrise was just occurring as we walked back into my yard home bound. Beautiful hues of pink and orange cascaded across the sky accompanied by wispy strands of clouds. I could've been sleeping some more, but I would be missing one of the better spectacles I've seen lately.
I'm going to eat breakfast with Mrs. Florene and George in about 30 minutes. I so look forward to this. It is comforting. It has been awhile since I've gone not wanting to wear out my welcome. "We're gonna have a talk with George," was what Mrs. Florene had said over the phone last night. I wonder what that is all about? Only heaven knows and Mrs. Florene at this point.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Dooce's second child, Marlo, dressed as a caterpillar for Halloween. I thought this was awesome and Dooce's photography is stellar as usual as well. Her sense of humor jives with mine as always.
I've gotten a lot of flak and emails lately about my profile remark about AA being a cult. If you look up the standard definition of cult then AA fits the bill nicely and almost to a T. So does Christianity and Catholicism. But I would be breaking one of my cardinal rules of blogging discussing religion.
I guess cults got a bad rap during the devil worshiping scares of the late seventies and the Jim Jones debacle in the sixties. Scientology doesn't help matters as well. I didn't mean any harm, but several people went so far as to try and change my opinion for me. I was even accused of being a "bitter dry drunk."
A common mantra in AA is that you are powerless over alcohol and must turn to a higher power for help in breaking the addiction. I don't believe this, nor do I subscribe to it. I make a conscious choice every day not to drink. When George leaves alcohol at my house, I pour it out. If I wanted to, I could ride around with George all the morning, visit the "shot" house, and put myself into the maelstrom so to speak. I make a conscious choice not to tempt myself or fate. This is why AA just doesn't fit for me. I meant no harm. Please let people have differing opinions without being derided or heckled.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Helen just brought by my plate. I was so glad to see her and she came in to talk awhile. Tonight, she cooked fried pork chops, steamed cabbage, creamed potatoes, black eyed peas, slaw, and cornbread. Not pictured is some pear salad and fried okra. It was a monster of a meal to eat. I am so full!
George stopped by for a short while this afternoon. He was being nosey and just had to find out what I was up to. He quit coming over in the mornings because of my new edict of no drinking in the house.
"I could've gotten laid the other day," I told him grinning.
"You haven't gotten laid in a year!" he exclaimed.
"Don't remind me!" I smirked.
I told George all about my flirtatious encounter.
"I'd have a better relationship with Pookie if she didn't keep stealing the money out of my wallet," George replied with a constipated look on his face.
I didn't say anything that I haven't already said a hundred times.
My sister and my niece and nephew are in town. I was over this morning getting my cokes from a very dopey mother. I knew something was wrong because there were seven cokes in my plastic bag.
"What's wrong with mom?" I asked my sister.
"I think she's gotten into dad's Xanax," my sister replied with a weak smile.
"Uh oh," I said.
I brought Maggie with me. Maggie was standing in the Den and wagging her tail. My niece pointed at Maggie's butt and said, "What's that?"
I laughed and told her, "That's Maggie's poop hole."
Maggie looked completely in bliss at being around children. She was wagging her tail wildly.
"Don't tell her that!" my sister exclaimed laughing. "She's gonna say that all day."
I apologized, laughed, and gathered Maggie to take her home. I was still smiling when I walked into my door. It was one of the funnier things that has happened to me recently.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
"Mom, I need some super glue," I told my mother over the phone this morning.
"Okay," she replied. "Come and get it."
I drove over to get the glue. "Bring it right back!" she said.
"I will bring it back when I get my cokes," I replied.
"No, bring it back when you finish," she said with the utmost seriousness. "I might need it."
I smiled. "Obsessive compulsive," I thought to myself. The odds that mom would get out of the bed to use super glue on a Thursday morning were pretty slim.
I fixed my speaker grill and took it straight back just like she requested.
I've gained 10 pounds this morning when I weighed myself. I about panicked! I don't want to be fat again. I've noticed people treat me so differently when I am slim. Yesterday, the clerk at Fred's Super Dollar Store was flirting with me. That is something that never happened when I weighed over 200 pounds.
"Let's get something to eat tonight," she told me.
I politely declined as I didn't have any money.
I kept thinking about s-e-x, though. She was so buxom and attractive. You can't blame me as it's been a long time and a guy has his needs.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
I keep having this woman on Twitter DM,ing me to join the Vegan lifestyle. She twits about it all the time as well - the virtues, the health effects, environmental impacts, etc. It's getting old. I don't go out and try to recruit people into eating more beef or chicken. EAT CHICKEN! GET MORE PROTEIN! And I certainly don't want to be eating nuts and twigs three times a day. Being Vegan is a fine and dandy choice of lifestyle. Just don't try to push it on me.
I've been on a cooking binge. Dad said I needed to gain weight and, by God, I am giving it my best effort. Today, I had broccoli and chicken fettuccini. I let Maggie eat the left overs. She was in Heaven. She still won't eat her dog food.
Maggie eats around the broccoli. She takes a cue from George Bush, Sr.
"You really need to change your diet," my psychiatrist told me this morning after I discussed what I usually eat.
"Hit the organic section of Kroger," He said. "Eat the wholesome Kashi microwave meals and whole grain cereals."
Dad was nodding his head as my psychiatrist said this. "I need to eat that way as well," He added.
"I believe diet goes a long way to bolster your mental health," Dr. Kern said.
What did we do when we left the doctor's office? We went straight to Hardee's and ordered four of the most fattening biscuits on the menu.
"These damn biscuits are so good," Dad said with his mouth full as he drove.
I laughed. I hope I wasn't the only one who saw the absurdity of it all.
Mom called me when I got home. It was grocery day. We discussed what I needed. I mentioned the Kashi meals and mom went into a tailspin.
"Just forget about it and get me the usual," I finally said.
I really need to start going with her to more carefully plan my meals. But I'm feeling panicky right now and am going to stay home.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Mom surprised me tonight and brought her best friend, Sandra, with her to eat. I just barely had enough food, but we all managed to get full. I cooked Chilies Relleno and it is one of mom's favorite dishes of mine. I also made Spanish rice and it turned out exceptionally good. Maggie had a plate as well and ate around the chilies. They were too spicy for her.
I've been dabbling with Twitter again. I get the feeling I am shouting in an empty room. I wonder if anyone reads Twitter anymore. I am slowly whittling down who I follow as well. If you post spam or post about making money off the Internet then you are outta there!
Below are some pictures of my prized possessions. Mini disc player and discs. It was a failed music format from Sony. I bought into it and love the sound and the little discs.
Monday, November 2, 2009
I'm still having some serious side effects from my medications. But I didn't let that stop a good time today.
This afternoon I was craving Taco Hell so I got mom to go with me to get 4 burrito supreme's! I ate them all. Mom was like, "You're gonna be sick!" Ha ha. She doesn't know the power of my iron lined gullet! And I was just ravenous today.
Tonight, I went shopping for a good pair of headphones for my minidisc player. I found a thirty dollar pair at Wally World. I was so excited to get them home, try them out, and what a fantastic dynamic range they have!
I've gained 5 pounds so dad will be happy when he weighs me tonight. Last night, dad and I went out to eat at Sonic. I ate two super sonic burgers and a large order of tater tots. I washed it all down with a jumbo cola. Dad also got mom to buy me regular cokes and she gave me six today. I like diet Coke better, but really do need to gain the weight. I was looking gaunt for awhile there.
I've really been into music lately. It is almost a passion for me at the moment. I had the bright idea to hook up my HiFi Infinity speakers to my computer. It sounds so wonderful. I should have done this long ago.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
A "no whiskey" and "no beer" in the house edict goes into effect in the morning. I am tired of being tempted, and I've been very weak of will lately. George is going to hate this as one of his favorite drinking spots is my Lazy Boy recliner while we "shoot the shit." It may be the end of George's almost daily visits. Mrs. Florene is wise not to let him drink inside and I am following her cue.
I've been giving Maggie a bath every week. She spends so much time in the bed that I feel this is necessary. Well, Maggie has grown to think this not such a hot idea. As soon as I begin to run the bath water, she is sneaking out the dog door to the safer outdoors. I will be patient and wait for her to slink back inside. Then I nab her! It is kinda funny in the way she acts like a small child.
I ate lunch with Mrs. Florene and George. Mrs. Florene had cooked this mushroom chicken casserole with homemade dinner rolls. I can't describe how delicious this was. The mushroom sauce had sour cream and lots of butter. Dad has been worried about me going overboard with the weight loss. With meals like this, he doesn't have to worry.
The radio in my car hasn't worked for two years due to a anti-theft feature. Today, I searched online and found out how to fix it by entering a code into the radio. I was overjoyed to have a working radio again. I can't believe I didn't think of this sooner. I called dad to share my jubilation.
I took some pictures of my pumpkin before it starts to fade. I am kind of embarrassed by it. It looks homely on second thought. That's why I haven't posted pictures of my handiwork.