Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
I drove over to my parents this morning. It is a usual occurrence with me. I get my daily allotment of Cokes and Diet Dr. Pepper. Helen was sitting under the portico when I drove down the driveway. I walked back around to say hello after I parked.
"How are you?" I asked as I sat down on the white bench she was sitting on.
"Rethinking my job," Helen said with a good natured smile. "My family is giving me a hard time because I am a black woman cooking and cleaning for a white man."
There was a pause in the conversation. I didn't know what to say.
"I shouldn't have told you that," Helen said. "I'm sorry."
"I can see where it would cause trouble," I finally replied.
We got on the subject of Black America and how hopeful we both were for Obama to do great things.
"You like him?" Helen asked looking excited.
"I think he is the best thing that has happened politically in a LONG time," I replied.
"You know there is still racism in America," Helen told me. "I see it all the time."
I told Helen the story of how dad's mom always kept separate dishes and glasses for black people when they visited and came to eat. If you knew my grandmother, then this was so out of character for her.
"See?" Helen said. "It happens when you least expect it."
I left Helen to her thoughts thinking I should have said more to reassure her that things are better. Times are changing. We have a partially black man in the White House. A beautiful black woman as first lady. Black people have more opportunities than ever. And most of all, I didn't want Helen to quit. I love her so and she has meant so much to me these past few years she has worked for dad.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Just having some fun here so don't take me too seriously...
Facebook: The Memes are killing me. I don't care what color magic fairy fart you are. Or what instrument in a rockband you be. I just want to hear about you. What your day is like. Or at least something original. I hated Memes on blogs as well. I hate being tagged cause I always feel like an ungrateful jerkface for not participating. They were the blogging version of Jehovah's Witnesses. Always imposing and terribly uninteresting.
Twitter: Money grubbers get on my nerves. I've followed quite a few people this past week only to find out they are advice giving "business gurus." How to make money on Twitter? Quit twitting and go to work. The word "Webinar" gets on my nerves as well. People will spend hours twitting whole conferences run by "business gurus." That is a surefire way of getting an unfollow by me. There is no magical Internet lightning strike that is going to make you rich in 140 characters or less.
"Is it that time already?" I asked Maggie at four this morning as I rolled over and turned on The Weather Channel. The temperature was 43 degrees with a wind advisory. Brrrr.
"Come on, stinker," I told Maggie after I dressed and fastened her leash.
Where roads intersect is Maggie's favorite part of the walk. Stop signs! Maggie sniffs each pole with intense purpose. I will pull her away only for her to look at me like, "but I haven't finished sniffing what Spot is doing down the street." Ah, the wonders of day old dog urine.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
I've been going through the strangest thing lately. I don't want to sleep. If I sleep, then I fear this feeling good spell will stop. I haven't felt better in years and I am not being dramatic when I say that. It is almost like someone flipped a switch in my brain the change was so sudden. Almost overnight. Don't send me to bed 'cause I don't want the good times to end.
Day two of feeling well started out with more feelings of euphoria. I almost feel like I am high. It is intoxicating.
George was having a hissy fit this morning because the anti-lock brake light came on in his car. The dealership wants $800 to fix it.
"They said I was going to need a new master cylinder," George told me. "I told them to kiss my black ass."
Maggie and I missed our walk this morning. She woke me up at four, but it was storming outside. "Sorry, girl," I told her. She went for a car ride instead. I needed cigarettes and cokes.
I noticed mom had 5 cartons of my cigarettes in her closet.
"Mom, that is $300 dollars worth of cigarettes," I told her worried. "Did you pay for those?"
"I didn't mind paying for them," mother told me with a smile.
My father rolled his eyes and shook his head. I couldn't help but smile and roll my eyes back. Dad says my mother is clueless when it comes to money. I think she does pretty well these days.
Friday, March 27, 2009
The first thing Helen did when she got here this morning was to get a homemade barbecue sauce started. It was full of things like fresh squeezed lemon juice, ketchup, cider vinegar, etc.
"What are we having, Helen?" I asked, walking into the kitchen.
"Barbecue chicken," Helen replied. "It was your dad's request."
I made myself useful and skinned the potatoes and rutabagas. Finally cutting up both into chunks. Both were to be boiled and mashed. Have you ever noticed how many rutabagas we eat? A LOT!
Helen was so chipper today and I was feeling better than I had in weeks. We were both little motor mouths.
Finally, mom and dad arrived to eat with me. I love it when my family comes over like that.
"Helen, you outdid yourself," Dad told Helen as we were sitting at my kitchen table finishing our meals.
Helen fixed herself and her husband a plate and headed home. I feel so good right now that I want to bottle it for bad days. Almost euphoric. Dad says I am in a manic bi-polar phase. "Can't I have a few good days without being psychoanalyzed?' is what I wanted to ask dad.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
"You don't know how well you do these days," dad said patting me on my knee last night. "You are like a different man."
Dad and mom had just been out to Longhorn steakhouse for mom's birthday. Dad had swung by to give me my medications.
"Thanks," I said shyly.
I never was much one for compliments.
"I don't think you see it," dad said. "You keep your house clean. Maggie is healthy and happy. You've lost tons of weight. You really are doing good."
I didn't have the heart to tell dad I've been miserable with my anxiety and anxiety attacks lately. Appearances can be deceiving.
Dad helped me put on Maggie's flea medicine. As usual, Maggie pouted for a few hours. As dad was leaving, he gave me two clonazepam almost like a reward.
"Thanks," I said, feeling like a thousand pounds had been lifted from my shoulders. "I love it when you surprise me."
I took the two pills and settled in for a pleasant evening. I could relax. I could enjoy TV. My thoughts were more gathered and less disjointed. "I can see why these pills are so addicting," I said to myself. If only I could take them all the time, but that is the alcoholic in me talking.
"WHAT?" mom exclaimed after my third call on the phone.
"Will you get me some cheddar?" I asked sheepishly.
"I'll get you some cheddar," mom replied.
Today is grocery day and I keep forgetting things I need. I've been kind of hooked on cheese toast lately.
"You're mad at me now," I said.
"I'm trying to sleep!" she exclaimed.
"I'll let you go," I said and hung up.
It is always the same. Mom will apologize to me later. Not that I deserve it. I wonder what Helen thinks about mom sleeping all the time? I've often heard mom say, "Helen must think I am terrible." It doesn't daunt her though. She sleeps away. It would drive me crazy sleeping all the time.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
One nice thing about Google Reader is that you can reconnect with bloggers that have long ceased to blog. There is one certain schizophrenic young man I keep up with in Reader. He hasn't written in months and wrote today. Reader showed me or I wouldn't have known since I long ceased visiting his blog. It allowed me to give an "atta boy" and let him know I was still reading. I hope for a post tomorrow because blogging has been so cathartic for me and my mental illness.
I wonder what I will do the next five days of rain and storms regarding my and Maggie's walk. I have dreams of sleeping late and fixing late breakfasts. They say we will get flooding. I wonder if they will open the flood gates over at the dam on West Point Lake. I will be there with my camera if they do.
This morning was the usual. Maggie woke me up at the crack of dawn to walk. I sleepily put on my sweatpants and a sweatshirt. "Come on! Come on! Can we go now?" Maggie seemed to say with her impetuous wiggling.
There is one man who jogs every morning. He is not your stereotypical jogger. He is heavy set and sounds like he has emphysema he breathes so hard as he runs.
"Good morning," he will say as he passes us.
"Good morning!" I will respond in my happy, goofy, aloof way.
Well, let me get some breakfast started. Today is light fare. Toast and creamy peanut butter with a big glass of milk. To Maggie, this part of our morning is almost as important as the walk.
Addicted to this song. A song about reincarnation by such greats as Willie Nelson and Johnny Cash.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
I just watched my neighbor mow all his numerous beautiful daffodils to the ground. My heart cried out in the name of spring. "Such a reckless human being," I thought. It really did effect me in such a negative way. I almost feel violated.
"Hey Baby!" Helen told me as I walked through my parent's back door. "You're looking stylish with that Auburn t-shirt."
"See my Auburn cap?" I asked her, taking it off to show her. "Got it for Christmas."
Helen went on to tell me she's lost 250 pounds after her bariatric surgery. Isn't that just amazing? That would have been almost a whole one of me weight wise a few years ago.
Mom came stumbling up the steps as I walked into the hall. She is "monitoring" how many sodas I drink due to my father. Dad says I drink sodas like I used to drink beer and he is probably right.
"Don't eat supper tonight!" mom told me.
"Why?" I asked.
"I am bringing you and Maggie Big Mac's from McDonalds," she told me.
Oh joy! A store bought supper! I can almost taste those burgers now. Mom really has her moments sometimes.
Monday, March 23, 2009
I visit a lot of frugal living and living simply web sites and forums. You can really pick up some neat ideas most of the time. It is very helpful for a guy who gets $3 dollars a day to spend. You can get some real nut cases as well.
"Is it okay to pee in my sink?" one fellow asked. "I am trying to save money by not flushing."
"Just go pee in the backyard," I wanted to tell him. "Under the cover of darkness."
And wouldn't you only save pennies on a pee? It couldn't be life changing I am sure. This is just one case where you are just going too far.
This makes me think of the CEO's rich and pampered wife saying, "Lord Larry! It is only a few million. You would have never thought Congress has wasted tax payers money before." After the CEO spent all day testifying in front of Congress.
"Why did Maggie just run by with your sock in her mouth?" dad asked me last night during our medication ritual.
"She loves socks," I told him. "She has a love affair with pearly white cotton."
Dad just laughed and laughed. We walked outside and picked up two pairs of my socks. Maggie was guarding the third pair.
"It causes me to have to wash a lot of socks," I told dad.
"I bet so," he replied.
This morning I put on the new pair of clean socks. Maggie watched me intently and got off the bed to sniff them. They have to be broken in and worn for her to like them. All in the day's life of a little scruffy looking mutt in the Valley. A mutt with a penchant for cotton.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Complete with custom theme music. Maybe my sense of humor is warped, but I can't keep watching this without it eliciting roaring laughter. This was like that time I gave Maggie creamy peanut butter.
Hattip to Mary at Ox.
I was just about to take a picture of Maggie sleeping. A car door shut outside and immediately awakened her. She is so hyper sensitive to company or intruders. Feels safe.
Doesn't she look like some weird mutated Wookie in this photo? I keep expecting Chewbacca to wuff and growl.
I was asked that today by a friend. Not the persona I portray for the world and my blog friends. I still struggle a lot with my mental illness. I hide it from those around me. It is almost as if my parents don't believe me when I tell them. "You seem to be doing so good," they say.
Lately, it is the anxiety attacks. I woke up with them this morning. Last night, it was the sound of rushing water through pipes continuously keeping me company. I didn't even tell my psychiatrist about this latest auditory installment as he would only medicate me further.
But you know what is awesome? The good days. The good days are like the best orgasm. I walk through life smiling, so relieved to have a break in the storm. I smell the air and there is a spring in my step. I want to tackle the whole world and talk to everyone. I want everyone to be happy just like me. And the good days give me a reason to go on. There is life left in me yet.
Okay, I've gone Facebook. Within hours of putting up my profile, I had three friends. I see an ex-girlfriend on there as well. I debated on friending her. She read my blog for awhile and probably thinks I am a bonafide fruitcake. I can see why it is so addicting though. I am seeing dozens of people I graduated high school with.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
I took one step outside this morning and wanted to run back to my warm bed. Maggie was past the point of no return having her leash on. I was committed.
"I thought spring means warm," I said to her as we headed up my driveway.
Maggie's getting better at walking on her leash. There is less coughing and choking with every trip. I tried to tell her there is a easier softer way to do this.
We came home and I headed to an early morning AA meeting. I really didn't want to go, but needed to touch base as they say. Being an agnostic, a lot of the religiosity of AA is distasteful to me. I guess that is just the curse I have to bear being raised by an atheist.
When I arrived back in the Valley, I stopped by mom and dad's to get some sodas. Mom was guarding the amount I got very closely.
"Here's four," she said returning from the basement.
"Can't I have more?" I asked.
"We need to make these last," she told me.
"Just give me some blankety blank money and let me get some cokes," I wanted to say, acting out. I didn't say anything though. I thanked her and drove home. I am now enjoying my four Diet Dr. Peppers. Man, they taste good.
Friday, March 20, 2009
"Baby, you've got to get this dog hair up," Helen said. "Your daddy is going to get on to you."
Keep in mind that I am 36 years old. I just smiled, laughed, and got out the broom.
Hours later some wonderful smells were coming from my kitchen. Helen cooked me a chicken, broccoli, and cheddar casserole and yeast biscuits. We also had a fruit salad. Helen ate with me at lunch which is unusual for her.
"Economizing," she told me with a smile.
Soon, mom entered the picture. She was on a mission.
"Go with me to the city to see about getting our mailbox paid for," she asked me over her cell phone.
Apparently, the city trash truck hit mom and dad's mailbox toppling it over. The city agreed to pay for a new one and that was that.
What did mom tell me on the ride home?
"You need to shave," she told me. "You look like a homeless man."
That elicited uproarious laughter on my part.
"Just revisiting some of my lineage," I told mom smiling.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
The local ice cream truck is again making it's rounds through this sleepy little southern town. A sure sign that spring is here. I watched yesterday as the truck turned on my street. The neighbor's kids were playing in the yard and immediately dropped what they were doing to go get their mom. They came running back out with dollars in their hands.
The ice cream truck has seen better days though. A generator is strapped to the back bumper to power the freezer. The wheels all seem to have a certain wobble to them as the truck slowly traverses the neighborhood. The audio on the loudspeaker will sometimes quit. I don't think the owner is getting rich.
It does harken back to a gentler, simpler time in my youth though. It was a special treat to manage to talk my mother into giving us some money for an ice cream. I always remember the incredible selection and trying to make up my mind. Maybe, I will just run out to the road this afternoon as the truck arrives. Relive my youth as they say. I always was a nostalgic sort of fool.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
I never would have thought I would be enamored by a married woman. Covetous, I tell you. And she's the First Lady to boot. What do I do now? Collect photos and itineraries? Subscribe to Ebony magazine?
Maggie and I have been going for our walk pretty early. My clock has reset while Maggie's has not. I awoke to a dog licking my hand this morning. I opened one eye to see Maggie vigorously wagging her tail sitting in the floor by my bed.
"Is it that time already?" I asked sleepily.
Maggie wagged her tail even harder as if she possessed some alien mind probe dog powers.
The first thing I noticed on our walk this morning was a half moon hanging beautifully to the east. "See what you would be missing if you slept?" I asked myself.
Coughing and choking we made our way past the elementary school on Gilmer Avenue. "Bah, School!" I thought. School was a torture to me growing up. A mindless medium of conformity hell that has left me scarred as an adult. Dad has asked me often over the years what he and mom could have done for me as a child to have made my childhood better and more pleasant. "Send me to a non orthodox school for special and artsy children," I told him.
I noticed a chill in the air this morning. Old Man Winter is hanging on and refusing to give way for Spring. It must have been forty degrees as I walked.
Now? I'm home and Maggie is already asleep on the couch. It is time to go back to bed for a few hours till the sun is up and I start another day. Oh, I hope it is a glorious warm and sunny day.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
I have weird sleeping habits sometimes. Right now, I have Charlie's son staying with me while his wife and him went on a business related trip. I was debating at midnight if Randall would be okay for about 30 minutes while I went on a burger run.
(OH MY GAWD! BURGER TIME! NOM NOM NOM NOM!)
Randal is autistic and has interesting habits like me. He only sleeps in the day and stays up all night with his plush toys while watching videos and DVDs of Veggie Tales. Randal is a year older than me.
"Would you like a burger?" I asked Randal before leaving.
"I WILL EAT A BURGER!" he said very loudly.
My path to the dark side was complete and I was taking my young Padawan with me.
Today is my injection. I hope my usual nurse is back from maternity leave. I am sure Crystal is tired of seeing that huge black scorpion tattoo on my right butt cheek (just kidding).
Monday, March 16, 2009
Mom wasn't answering the phone at lunch so I just drove over. I knew she was asleep and I let myself inside through the garage. I forgot Helen was there and she was in the kitchen making tuna salad for mom's lunch. Helen made me two sandwiches to take with me.
"I got you more cokes," mom said when I walked back to check on her. Her and her two cats were all piled together in the bed. Mom's cat sleeping on her hip like she does would drive me crazy. Mom had bought a whole case of expensive 20oz regular Coca-Colas. "It's your money," I could hear my father say again from the other night. "You might want to tell your mother to watch what she is spending."
My walk this morning was humid and damp. You can almost tell spring is knocking on winter's back door. The redbud trees have begun to bloom this week. That, and my grass is greening up. The birds all think this is fantastic. I am really taking in all the birdsong.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
I counted over five dead squirrels in the road on my walk this morning. Maggie tried her best to carry a few home. I was worried she would get some strange variance of botulism. What is up with squirrels, cars, and roads? It is almost as if their brains shut down when they see a car coming.
It rained some on my walk this morning. I had a cheap poncho to wear, but I was sweating so hard under it that I was getting wet anyway.
Mom bought me the Kroger brand of raisin bran crunch. It is actually better than Kellogg's. I had a "man sized" bowl of cereal for breakfast this morning.
Friday, March 13, 2009
"Honey, there goes that guy with the choking dog again," a neighbor would say.
"Gladys, go back to bed and quit minding the neighbor's business."
Every morning it's the same. Maggie goes completely nuts to go walking. She is so impatient that I can barely get her leash on without her getting tangled in it.
"Hold still, Maggie," you can hear me say from the den.
I guess I've created a monster. I really don't like to walk lately, but feel obligated as Maggie thinks it is the best thing since sliced bread. She tugs on the leash so hard it sounds like she is choking and dying.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
It was a short drive down the interstate to my doctor's office. I am enamored with dad's car and try all the bells and whistles.
"Watch this!" dad said with a sly grin.
We were soon going 100 mph.
"I told you she can fly like a bat out of hell," dad said.
My doctor welcomed me into his office. I call him Kermit as he does look and talk like Kermit the frog.
"So, how are you and what have you been doing lately?" he asked.
"I've started walking now," I told him.
You could see a glimmer in his eye as he is very trim and fit; very exercise conscious.
"Walking releases endorphins and helps you to feel better. Blah, blah, blah," my doctor told me.
We talked a long time about my anxiety attacks. I want a cure and to just not maintain them with medications.
"We will continue to work on it," my doctor told me.
These visits wear me out so it was good to be headed home. I don't have to see him again for 2 months.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
I walked two miles this morning. That was a true milestone. I worried about Maggie, though. Her short, little legs really have to work to keep up with me. So far, she is loving it.
My air conditioning has decided to quit. Actually, it just never came back on after our winter. I have all my windows open in my house on this 82 degree day. My thermometer says 83 degrees inside. I love the heat which is a good thing so I am not uncomfortable.
After my walk this morning, I decided to drive over to Fat Albert's for my morning cup of coffee. It has been awhile since I went and I was surprised to still see George employed.
"Coffees on the house," George exclaimed after questioning me about where I've been.
I insisted on paying for my cup which was only 99 cents. George looked perturbed. I wanted to tell him that giving me free coffee could get him fired. George can act like a little kid in fairy land sometimes. Aloof.
I go to my psychiatrist tomorrow. I am continuing the discussion about my anxiety attacks. I am determined to get these damn things out of my life.
I hope you all are having a good week and thanks for reading.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Maggie just went about bonkers when mom pulled up out front of my house. She wagged her tail spastically with a look on her face that said, "She's here! She's here!"
"Sorry I snapped at you this morning," mom said. "The phone rang all morning and I couldn't get any sleep. Come get your cokes and I have some of your medicine."
The way I looked you would think an angel had come down from heaven and blessed me. I smiled, gave mom a hug, and welcomed her inside.
"Who is it Maggie?" I asked.
"Oh my god! Oh my god! It's momma!" Maggie seemed to say.
I smiled again, gave mom another big bear hug, and we talked for thirty minutes until she wanted to go lay down. I love my mom so much and can't stand for her to be upset with me. I can be so emotionally fragile sometimes.
Went for my walk again early this morning. Maggie tagged along and seems to enjoy this much more than I. The sun was just coming up as I turned into my driveway. It was a beautiful sky full of rose colored clouds. I said a little prayer thanking whoever may have been the grand designer of such things.
I drank two diet cokes for breakfast and it was two too much; too much caffeine and I felt that scourge of anxiety attacks welling up. I called mom and asked her to bring me some more cokes for the afternoon when she went to her hair appointment at 2 PM.
"Just how many cokes are you drinking?" she asked admonishing me. "You are going to run out."
I hung up the phone not willing to be berated about my caffeine habit. Mom didn't call back. She must of woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I fully expect her to come by this afternoon as if nothing ever happened.
When I feel ill like today, much time is spent gravitating from my computer to the bed. I call it quiet time. I will lay down and shut the world out as my overactive mind calms down and goes to sleep. I listen to the world going on around me feeling glad I can afford to have these times of respite. If I were to lose my disability, I don't know what I would do. I could never work with these things plaguing me.
Friday, March 6, 2009
"I can't believe I forgot your chicken nuggets," mom told me looking worried last night. "I also got you cheap cigarettes today and want to trade them back."
"Why?" I asked genuinely interested about the cigs.
"I believe those cheap cigarettes have cheap filters and will give you cancer sooner," mom told me.
I had to choke back a laugh. Mom was deadly serious though. Mom went and got me two cartons of expensive Doral Lights 100's.
"Your mother sure can get things complicated," dad said the other night. Yes, she can, but I love her to death.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
"I forgot your chicken nuggets!" mom told me over the phone a moment ago profusely apologizing.
"Don't worry about it," I replied. "Let's use that money to go out to eat."
No doubt, my mother is on her way to the grocery store now. Even though I pleaded her to wait till tomorrow. She is like me and we are such driven souls about such things.
It was injection time this morning. The past two days have been shaky. Tim picked me up around 9 AM.
"You ready for the biggest needle I have ever seen?" he asked me smiling.
"It doesn't bother me," I replied with much machismo.
"I certainly wouldn't want someone sticking me in the ass with one of those things," Tim said said of my Risperdal Consta.
We talked about old muscle cars on the drive down. A subject I know a lot about. Tim's first car was a Plymouth Satellite. My first car was a '72 Chevelle 350 SS. I told Time if I ever became rich, I was going to have a Chevelle convertible restored.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
"How did you like your supper Friday?" Helen asked me as I standing next to mom's bed this morning.
"I loved it," I replied. "I was worried about you, though."
Friday Helen cooked Salmon patties, mashed potato and onion croquettes, English peas, and biscuits.
Helen was like a different person today compared to last Friday.
Driving over to mom's and dad's wasn't that bad this morning. My all-wheel-drive only kicked in once to get me up a snowy hill. I had to call dad this morning and remind him his Honda was all-wheel-drive as well.
"Does my BMW have 4-wheel-drive?" dad asked me.
That tickled my funny bone for some reason. Dad didn't even know that about his new car.
"Yes," I said. "It does."
Sunday, March 1, 2009
We got around 4" of snow. The sun is out and it is quickly melting. Lows should dip down to 24 degrees tonight and turn the roads into a skating rink. Needless to say, I won't be going anywhere. I am happy to get my snow for the year.