I picked up the phone a while ago to call mom.
"You can't call and bother her!" I exclaimed and slammed down the phone after dialing just a few numbers.
Maybe I wanted someone to talk to. Maybe I wanted mom to drive down to the drugstore and get some of my "happy" pills, the Klonopin. All I knew was that I wanted relief from today's feelings. This knot in my stomach that feels like anxiety will get out of control. My father is useless in such matters except for administering pills.
I refrained from calling and got to watching "The Worlds Worst Jails." I was lying on the bed and watching these people made me feel better. It was almost like I was benefiting from other's suffering. I should be in jail. I had so many DUI's over the years it is amazing I am not in lockup.
"You're not in jail. You're not in jail," I kept repeating to myself as I watched. "You could be in far worse shape!"
I feel better now. The anxiety has somewhat melted away and my mind is clear again of unseemly thoughts. I realized that this would be prime drinking time for me. The alcohol would chase away my blues, the anxiety would disappear, and I wouldn't have a care in the world. Thankfully, I have a choice today and will just lie down and rest. All things must pass....