Monday, November 3, 2008

Trying not to be Bitter. Trying to be Positive...

I just drove to my parent's house to take my daily medications.  I was reeling in emotions on the short drive.   Dad also gave me my Klonopin which he so fears I will become addicted to.  I only take around two a week.  It is hard not to become bitter at all this and how I am treated.  My brother and sister are both Oncologists.  My father runs his own very successful business.  My mother is retired from teaching school 30 years.  Me?  My claim to fame was being the mentally ill drunkard son who lived in the woods, homeless.

My positive side is smiling today, though, in juxtaposition.   I have so much to be thankful for than to become mired in the negatives of my life.  I have a house and car that are paid for thanks to my parents.  I have an income.  I have extremely expensive medications that without, I wouldn't have any quality of life.  My schizophrenia is, for the most part, in remission. 

"You do so well these days," my father told me calmly a moment ago as I started to cry sitting in the chair next to him.

"I have so many regrets," I responded. "It is like a constant knife in my heart."

Dad held my hand, told me to dry my tears, and to take my medications.  I drove home wiping tears, but with a smile on my face.  I am still alive.  And there is always hope.  Keep hope eternal.   

9 comments:

justLacey said...

Andrew you are playing so well with the cards you were dealt. I know you only see your failures today, but after "my claim to fame was being the mentally ill drunkard son who lived in the woods, homeless" you forgot the part where you have pulled yourself up and moved on to be the devoted, working and loving son that is on his way to being even more. Your siblings have not had mental illness holding them back. You are still a young enough man to do even more with your life as you learn to cope with your anxieties (and you will). My brother is 50 and not far from where you were and will never be as good as where you are right now. His is a choice. He could have had the world and chose to turn his back on it. For you the world was out of your reach for a while and now you have jumped on and are hanging in there with both hands. Never feel bad about what you were, it has helped you to become what you are today and that is something to be proud of.

Cheryl said...

This post put a smile on my face and a tear in my eye. I really care about you. You've turned your life around in an amazing way. Don't measure yourself against your family. You are you and you're doing wonderfully well. And I'm so proud to call you my friend.

CJM-R said...

Yes, Andrew. You have many challenges facing you and you have overcome so many. I am sorry that it hurts so much on some days.

You are a great guy and I am so happy that I have come to know you through your blog.

You are an inspiration all around for so many folks.

Jami said...

Andrew, I think schizophrenia is a cruel disease to live with, and you are doing beautifully well in handling it. You didn't ask for this, you know. You are doing the best you can with what you've been given, and you need to consider how many lives you positively touch, every day, through this blog, BECAUSE of your experiences with mental illness and alcoholism.

Do not allow yourself to beat up on you. It's not fair to you. You are doing great!

Jessica said...

Reading this post made me cry.

"I drove home wiping tears, but with a smile on my face. I'm still alive. And there is always hope. Keep hope eternal."

So true, Andrew!

happyone said...

You shouldn't compare yourself to anyone. Just be the best that you can be. Feel pride in the the long way you have come!! I send prayers and happy thoughts your way.

Leann said...

Stand tall my friend, you have come so far and we are all so VERY proud of you as I am sure your father is.

LM said...

JustLacey said it all, Andrew. You are an inspiration to so many. I am very proud of you and all you have accomplished.

Sharon said...

Andrew, don't dwell in the past, you have no control over what happened before. Look at how far you've come, be proud of all you've accomplished in just the past year alone, and remember that the future is yet unwritten. You get to write that story. We can't wait to see how you write the rest of it!