I realized today that going to my AA meetings is akin to me getting on stage and acting. The rules and regulations of social gatherings just don't come natural or easy to me. I have to make conscious choices to navigate this personal mine field. Do I shake his hand? Should I ask how her kids are doing? How much sobriety do you have? Excuse me while I melt into a puddle of goo on the floor and ooze home. It is that exhausting for me. And yet I keep trying ever harder to learn the skills that never came natural to me as a child or as an adult.
Today's meeting was just your usual AA gathering with people on their lunch breaks needing a meeting. I shared which is somewhat unusual for me as I usually just listen quietly.
"I am being blinded by my sobriety," I told the room. "Blind to the dangers that would occur if I took that first drink. It is almost reckless how I will put myself in situations where drinking arises. I found myself Saturday coming close to buying some beer. It is similar to wanting to commit suicide."
A lot of helpful people came to me after the meeting with advice. Calling my sponsor which I don't have was the most prominent bit of advice offered. I just felt better sharing my burdens with a group of caring people. It somehow lessened the weight bearing down on my shoulders.
I've made it 244 days sober this time and that is just astonishing to me. I always thought I was a helpless case or lost cause. I won't lie and say a beer or six wouldn't be tempting now. I still have a long ways to go.