Wednesday, July 23, 2008


What a base and unflattering emotion.  I still struggle with it in regards to my brother and sister.  They seem to have such happy lives filled with fulfilling vocations, children of their own, nice new cars, and friends.  I try to tell myself that their lives aren't all roses.  Being a doctor is tough and stressful and comes with little time off. 

My father brought by my sister-in-law and my two nieces today.  I found myself jealous of these beautiful and happy children.  I wanted children of my own some day, but I am getting long in the tooth.  I will be 40 before you know it.  I also realized I couldn't handle the responsibility of a child.  Too many children are born to deadbeat dads with addictions and mental illnesses.  I don't want to be another statistic. 

My father watched guardingly after I got Maggie.  He wanted to see if I could take on the responsibility of another sentient being under my care.  I have proved a hundred fold that Maggie is well taken care of.  She has to be one of the most low maintenance dogs I have ever met.  At least, I am doing something right.  My little furry "daughter" is happy and content.  I guess I should just be content with that.   


Kelly Jene said...

Hugs, my friend. So many people won't admit that they couldn't handle being a parent. It's not easy, I'm sorry.

Maggie is the most well loved and taken care of doggie on the blogosphere. You're a great dog-daddy!

Leon said...

Whatever you do, don't use "long in the tooth" as a reason not to become a father. My 2 youngest children were born when I was 43 and 45 (they are now 25 and 27). In some ways I took better advantage of my fatherhood with them. I seemed to have a sense of my own mortality and valued every moment (well, almost every moment) of their growth and, now, move into becoming wonderful, responsible young adults. :~D

justLacey said...

Being a parent is hard and more so when they grow up and don't act so cute anymore. Enjoy Maggie, she will be way more loyal, and love you her whole life no matter what. Maybe you do need another dog. Have you looked for one lately? Certainly ther may be one at the pound that needs you.
I think sometimes we all want things we may not be able to handle. That is just human nature. I hope you don't let it get you down.

CJM-R said...

It is great that you got to see the children and your sister in law because if I remember correctly, you missed them at the holidays. It must have been great for them to see you and Maggie.

Being an uncle is very special, too.

Brad said...

I know what you mean about your worry about Maggie. My Bear is 8 now and I know he can't live forever. It's just part of the deal. Love them while we can.

Cheryl said...

We do the best with what we've got. Isn't that so true? You have your dog that you adore. Your brother has his family. No one has a perfect life. Having children is stressful, but to someone childless it might seem just wonderful. It's not! We-all of us-should try our best to have a content life. Am I sounding preachy? I think so.

It's storming like crazy here! Wish you lived closer.

Golden To Silver Val said...

You doing great with Maggie and she's as good for you as you are for her. I can understand you feeling envy. We always seem to want what we don't have, but its not always what we think it may be. Congrats on all those sober days! I'm really very proud of you.

Arleen said...

I think that discontent must be in our DNA makeup as a drive to survive and succeed. Contentedness only comes in fleeting moments, and we have to be vigilant or they pass right by without us being present in those moments and enjoying them to the fullest. Like sitting on the porch in the cooling evening after a full meal with a glass of sweet iced tea watching the sun go down. There is nothing you have to do, nowhere you have to be, and you're content. Those moments are to be savored and held onto, to pull out when our discontent eats at us.

I don't think that contentedness is something we will ever attain on a continual basis, but we can be accepting of the reality of our situations-which you seem to be. So often you pull out just such moments and share them with the rest of us to remind us that there is a lot to be thankful for. I love your enthusiasm for the delicious meals that Helen makes you, and the photos that you share of the beauty in the world around you. The way you revel in the changing weather and the trips to the train yard. The way you try to find the good in things. You have a good heart, Andrew, and in a parallel universe of no illness, you'd make a really great dad, of that I have no doubt.

Meanwhile, enjoy being an uncle. The good thing about that is, you get to enjoy the kids, then give them back. :-)

simonsays said...

What a great, thoughtful post. I am proud of you and the good care you give Maggie. :)

Being a parent is not all it's cracked up to be...those "ahhh" moments of looking at their angelic faces as they sleep are few and far between. LOL

You are a great uncle, I am sure. And you could easily still be a wonderful father, should you choose to be. It's up to YOU.

Happy Thursday Andrew.



Rene' Morris said...

Don't be're famous! Look at all your fans! If you stopped writing on your blog today, you would receive a gazillion emails begging you to come back. And what would Maggie do without you? You are the world to her... so, I think you have very much to be proud of. Hold your head up please! {{{{HUGS}}}} One time you visited my blog and I had one of those things on there that shows who visited at the time. I was so excited to see your pic show up. I'm sure I'm not alone.

AlabamaGal said...

I understand how you feel. I would like to be a parent one day too. We would like to adopt a child in the future.

I also have moments of fear of being a good Mom. I would not have a problem pouring love on a child but I look at other people's children and those little legs run sooooo fast. I wonder if I can keep up with a child like that in my wheelchair.

You are a great Dad to Maggie so I know when the time is right, you're going to be a great Father!

Big Hug,

kristi said...

Yep, being a parent is hard as hell. I love my kids but it is still hard!

Smocha said...

I have been a parent of 3 sons. Much of it spent as a single mother.
Being a parent of human beings is VERY hard.

My sons are grown now and I cherish them,these days my only "little kids" are my 3 cats.
Believe me when I say ...I love those pain in the butt cats exactly like I love my kids.

You ARE a parent:)
Just to the loyal type child, that will never put you though hell with disrespect ,bad choices,lousy boyfriends, family feuds,etc.

It is true , we always think the grass is greener. It's an illusion honey.Love IS love. If you have it in your life ,then you are truly blessed.