Thursday, May 8, 2008

.:Winded by the Truth...

It was a long, hectic bike ride to McDonald's for lunch.  The traffic was busy on highway 29 with cars honking and swerving to avoid me.   It all felt rather frantic.  I arrived at McDonald's and got two delicious Big Macs and a large fries.  The next hour was spent people watching.  I watched as a beast of a mother berated her two young sons for eating too much and fighting over the rest of their french fries.   They were two rotund little children.  The mother I might say didn't have too much room to talk.  She was rotund as well. 

I was soon growing worried about storms so headed home.  It took me thirty minutes to ride the way back to my house.  The wind was blowing briskly and the clouds were growing amid darkened skies.  We have a slight risk of severe weather today.  I look forward to the storms, but don't want tornadoes.  It is that time of the year in the South. 

Maggie was so overjoyed to see me when I got home.  She did a little happy dance that only dogs can do when I walked in the door.  I sat on the couch for the longest time just petting her.  She relished every bit of the attention.  Legs sore and balking, I stretched out on the couch and almost went to sleep.   I was overly full and should have eaten only one Big Mac. 

Sometimes I get winded by the truth.  I thought long and hard as I lay there about my life.  36.  Having to borrow money from my mother for lunch.  Every aspect of my life carefully controlled by my father.  I don't even know how much my bills are or how much is in my checking account.   Am I lucky or is this just terrible?  I think I have a good life. I am pretty happy.  Others seem to think something is terribly wrong with all of this.  I fear I would quickly go back to drinking with lots of money on hand.  Just like a diabetic needs insulin, I need a carefully controlled and monitored life to do well.  This doesn't speak highly for my character I know.    

12 comments:

Trying2BMe said...

I wanted to comment on your "winded by the truth" portion. First off, I think it's more on your mind since Rosa brought it forward as a stipulation in ya'lls "possible reconciliation". Secondly, don't question so much what works BEST for you.

You know you have a weakness and instead of dealing with demons you allow others to "care" for your needs. That doesn't make you less than, in fact, it makes you smarter than the average recovering alcoholic.

As for not knowing, keep in mind that ignorance is often times bliss. If you had the daily load of managing money and paying bills you may not do as well as you are. Feel proud that you know your limitations, happy that you have family that cares enough to truly help and blessed by God to have a life to live.

Good luck and have a great day!

Leann said...

I agree with Trying. We should all be smart enough to know our limitations and take positive steps, or have people in our lives willing to help us take those steps, to assure we remain healthy and plodding forward in our lives. It's all about one hour at a time.

Love you Andrew, take care.

PipeTobacco said...

Sir:

I do not think "knowing about bills" leads to happiness. So it is in my opinion one aspect you can consider "lucky" and not worry about.

On the other hand, having to always ask around for spare change to buy lunch, etc. is something I feel is "terrible" for you and may wish to consider changing.

Like you stated in your post, "(You) think (you) have a good life." That is what is important! I too think you have a good life, and as we have discussed several times before, I see your life as one where you are given the FREEDOM to strive for greatness... be it in writing or photography or computers or some other avenue of your choosing. You have the enormous flexibility of TIME to think, grow, discover, and then PURSUE those dreams. So, from my perspective, THAT (time) is the true gift you have received in your current lifestyle.

You also say you "...fear (you) would quickly go back to drinking..." if you had some money. Well, you are the only one who can know that for certain, but I feel you sell your own abilities and worth short sir. You are far stronger than I think you believe. If you were to have some money available, I think you would decide CORRECTLY FOR YOU how to spend it, however that may be. You are far, far stronger than you believe.

PipeTobacco

Portia said...

As for the "others" you mention, I think people are quick to criticize what they don't understand. Everyone's journey through this life is different, and that's not a bad thing. I can't say if your situation is lucky or terrible because only YOU can know. If you are truly happy, then I'd say that is a good sign.

Jean said...

Imagine a young man in his thirties who suffered sudden blindness, or crushing injuries in an accident, or sudden illness that left him partially paralyzed. Would people say to him, "You need to get a full time job and be independent and stand on your own feet"?

You've come a long way from when you self-medicated with alcohol. The opinions of others as to what you 'should do' or 'shouldn't do' is less important than the fact that what you and those who take responsibility for you are doing seems to work well.

You've gained much ground in the past months.

Kelly Jene said...

Andrew, my friend, your family and you have found what works for you. Why question what other people think? Who cares.

I'm a stay at home mom. Some people think I'm useless, but this is what works best for my family. And like you, I'm happy.

Cheryl said...

Everyone has to do what's right for them. Does being wealthy make a person better? No. Being beautiful? No. Are you less of a person because you need help? Not at all. You know what's best for you. You're a better person for that.

Sharyna said...

I think you're lucky! Not having to worry about money. And you have Helen. Wish I had a Helen!

sharyna

Marsha said...

Jean, you are wrong. He has not come a long way from self medicating. He now uses benedryl to self medicate!

He's not able to purchase beer and so he doesn't use it. He's grabbed on to what's available...BENEDRYL. For craps sake, his FATHER GIVES IT TO HIM!

He is still standing on square one. He needs help. Not all of your silly dribble about how well he's doing! Of course he's not drinking, HE HAS NO MONEY.

You who say you care aren't helping at all. You pat him on the back when he's "jonsing" for drugs. But every single one of you ignored that comment. Some friends.

I used to think his dad was wrong for keeping his money. I now see why he does it.

You all should be ashamed of yourselves and HELP this guy or go away. Helping him stay in denial is WRONG.

justLacey said...

Having read all your comments, I know the one that you will focus on will be Marsha's. The Benadryl is one aspect that she may be right on. However, with neither of us being schizophrenic, it is hard to judge fairly. Just because you can't control your bills or money at this point, doesn't mean it will never be so. Give yourself a year free of drink first. Only you know how happy you are or aren't. Perhaps some kind of savings plan in conjunction with your working so you can buy a new computer is in order. You don't necessarily need to have control of the money, just know how much you are putting towards it. The more progress you make, the more responsibility you can assume. Just do it on your own timeline, not someone else's. I don't think any of us have encouraged you to substitue Benadryl for drink. It has been mentioned and whether or not you choose to take note is up to you. I don't think comments of harsh criticsm are helpful. If you think you're helpful by being righteous Marsha, I have to disagree.

CRUSTYBEEF said...

you are wise!
And I'm glad you were finally able to indulge on some Micky D's..

!Always,
Elizabeth

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