You heard it here first. I don't want to go on living with these panic/anxiety attacks anymore. I hear people saying they are having them too, but I seriously doubt the severity as compared to the ones I am having. I see things. My mouth gets so dry it is maddening. I can't swallow. It feels like someone punching me in my stomach. My head spins. I can't focus on anything to see straight. This will last for hours as my heart pounds in my chest to the point I fear I am having a heart attack. I am afraid to go to the doctor as I will have another waiting to see him. Work is the scariest thing in the world as I fear having one of these "spells" out of my home. It is soul crushing and debilitating. I have never been so scared in my life. I feel like part of me -- the outgoing and gregarious part -- is slowly dying.
And I feel like I can't write about it on my own damn blog. I fear I am coming across as whining or complaining -- just more mentally ill bullshit from the mentally ill guy. No one believes the severity of my attacks. Including my family. My Dad was praising me last night cause "I handled them like a man." Scoff!!! I ought to just go back to drinking. Then maybe they will stop again. My life couldn't be any worse than it is now.