Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Tired and Scared...

You heard it here first.  I don't want to go on living with these panic/anxiety attacks anymore.  I hear people saying they are having them too, but I seriously doubt the severity as compared to the ones I am having.  I see things.  My mouth gets so dry it is maddening.  I can't swallow.  It feels like someone punching me in my stomach.  My head spins.  I can't focus on anything to see straight.  This will last for hours as my heart pounds in my chest to the point I fear I am having a heart attack.  I am afraid to go to the doctor as I will have another waiting to see him.  Work is the scariest thing in the world as I fear having one of these "spells" out of my home.  It is soul crushing and debilitating.   I have never been so scared in my life.  I feel like part of me -- the outgoing and gregarious part -- is slowly dying.

And I feel like I can't write about it on my own damn blog.  I fear I am coming across as whining or complaining -- just more mentally ill bullshit from the mentally ill guy.  No one believes the severity of my attacks.  Including my family.  My Dad was praising me last night cause "I handled them like a man."  Scoff!!!  I ought to just go back to drinking.  Then maybe they will stop again.  My life couldn't be any worse than it is now. 

18 comments:

Brad said...

I know it's bad brother. I know I can't know how bad it is. I wish I could help in some way. I hope it passes soon. I'll be thinking calm, mellow thoughts to ya.

mosiacmind said...

I really you might find it hard to believe but in reality it is true that MANY of the symptoms that you have with the panic attacks I do experience. I get so freaked out when my mouth is so dry and throat that it is hard to swallow...I also see things though that is due to other things than panic attacks for me....PLEASE do NOT drink! I know it might seems like a good fixer but it will just make things much much much worse. I hope that you can get to see the doctor and explain to him ALL that is going on...is it time for your shot? I really like knowing how you are doing so I check your blog a few times a day....and want to know how it is on your good days and on your bad days...as for you dad saying that you took it like a man well real men take medications at times and seek help too and to be real if your dad experienced what all you do he i imagine would see out doctors to help....and also GOOD for you for still being sober for so so long now...that is a GREAT ACCOMPLISHMENT...even though it might seem like too much how about go to a movie or hang out with your mom for awhile.....do you think that perhaps talking to rosa intensified the panic? i really do know what it is like..I had to just call my mom to remind me what day of the week it is! well friend take great care of yourself.....also have maggie and you rest together and petting a pet really does help people like us...gracie is such a huge comfort to me as i know that maggie is for you...............remember i care.....

mosiacmind said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mosiacmind said...

oops i had posted the same comment twice so that is why i deleted one of them.

Bridget said...

I get panic attacks sometimes, too. They're not as bad as yours, but they're still bothersome. Next time your mom goes to the store, ask her to get you a package of Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer tea. It's an herbal tea, no caffeine, and the herbs in it won't mess with your meds. It is a nice soothing tea that doesn't keep you awake and really helps take the edge off the panic. Try it and let me/us know how it works.

mosiacmind said...

I just read the twitter and wanted to say good for you to make an appointment with the doctor! i would suggest if they continue to be so intense ask the doctor's office if you can move it up for it to be sooner.,,,,also would it help to go to see the trains and perhaps getting out but by yourself will make you feel better....or maybe not just do except drink what seems helpful to you to cope........

Bridget said...

Oh, and about wanting to take a drink? I'm sure you know this, but I'll tell you anyway - alcohol makes panic attacks worse. Don't even think about going there. Besides, you're doing SO WELL right now!

glittermom said...

You need to discuss this with your Dr..Your dad is not a Dr...there are drugs to help with panic attacks...I know you prob dont want to get on more drugs but if there is something that can help...Is it possible that some of the drugs you do take may cause this condition? Please go to your Dr...He may be able to help...

stellablue said...

Just wondering if you're still taking the Benedryl and if that could still be whats causing the panic attacks.

I think the previous poster who said it could be one of your meds causing it is right on target. If it isnt the benedryl interacting with one of your current meds - then maybe its the medicine itself. Hang in there! I'm sure the doctor will get the bottom of it!

mosiacmind said...

OOPS BIG OOPS..I reread my comment and i did not mean for you to drink like beer i meant for like if coke or diet pop sounds good to you to do that or what i meant was do little things that might help such as a can of pop or maybe eating somethig that you really like i am so so so so sorry that i did not make myself clear in the past comment.

Tee said...

Andrew, you are doing the right thing seeing the doctor. Be honest with him, make sure he understands how severe these panic attacks are. I worked with a gentleman that had severe panic attacks caused by the meds he was on as a transplant patient. I know you are so glad to have you little Maggie. Fur babies are so special in our lives.

The deal with Rosa sounds kinda unusual. You were smart not to loan her you car, but wise to offer to take her to work. Strange she wouldn't accept the ride to work.

M said...

hm. yeah. i have panic attacks that include hyperventilating but i don't have attacks that are to the extreme physically of what you describe. i am so sorry that you are going through this!!

*hugs*

CRUSTYBEEF said...

I wish I could help.
I can't imagine how bad it is..I know my own and from what you say, I wish I could take away some of the issues with your anxiety and share them with you.

You should whine and bitch and complain if you want to..it's your life and blog...

I hope you feel better soon!

Perhaps we need to get you to another trip at the arches. lol
friend,
Elizabeth

Summer said...

No, I don't know what you're experiencing. But, I'm thinking about you. Can you get to the doctor?

Sharyna said...

I do know how you feel, kinda, and it's awful. Why do we have these attacks?

sharyn

Chris B. said...

Hello Andrew,

You are right to write in here about the panic attacks.

Though I understand your reluctance to have a label hanging around your neck.

My panic attacks aren't anything compared to yours, so all I'll say is that you're a winner and will get through this without a drink.

Remember everything you've achieved and your great 4th Avenue Blues and how it touches people's lives for the better.

Cheers,
Chris

Berryvox said...

Pssh, you're one of the least whiny bloggers I've come across. I don't have any experience with them myself but panic attacks sound terrifying to me.

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