I sit here uneasily in my computer room. Meek. I listen to my heartbeat for the tell-tale signs of another panic attack. They are so scary! I feel like I am losing my mind. I will browse the Internet awhile and then go lay down for several minutes to fight another off. It is amazing I've been able to work.
There is a heartbeat down at the railyard -- a veritable pulse I have found. I am drawn down there almost everyday to sit and watch trains and their workers. It feels like a presence -- a benevolent one. The timeless parade of trains that was once the backbone of our community. We could once call ourselves a railroad town. Times change, but one thing holds true: The railroads still march onwards carrying the freight that gives us our standard of living. Long live the railroads!
Tomorrow is Mother's day. I feel a sadness cause I couldn't get Mom more. I got her a card which I hope she appreciates. If it were a just world, I would have gotten her flowers -- a large bouquet of beautiful roses or pansies. She certainly has meant so much to me lately. It is hard to believe, but ten years ago we barely talked. We fought constantly like cats and dogs -- oil and water. Now, I call her everyday to see how she is doing. We are kindred spirits whose mental illnesses kept us at arms. We are medicated now and serene, loving, and giving. We have both come a long way.
Almost looking forward to going back to bed. I did sleep 5 more hours this morning after waking at 6 AM. Sleep is my great escape -- my release. I know no panic attacks will occur then. Unfortunately, once I am up then I am up. I can't go back to sleep no matter how hard I try. Fresh, warm recently washed and dried sheets and comforters on my bed. So inviting. Maggie has the right idea and is on the bed. I can hear the bed shake as she carefully preens herself of the numerous things that "bite" her -- her cooties. Hours will pass before the urge to sleep again hits.