Saturday, May 10, 2008


I sit here uneasily in my computer room.  Meek.  I listen to my heartbeat for the tell-tale signs of another panic attack.  They are so scary!  I feel like I am losing my mind.  I will browse the Internet awhile and then go lay down for several minutes to fight another off.  It is amazing I've been able to work. 

There is a heartbeat down at the railyard -- a veritable pulse I have found.  I am drawn down there almost everyday to sit and watch trains and their workers.  It feels like a presence -- a benevolent one.  The timeless parade of trains that was once the backbone of our community.   We could once call ourselves a railroad town.  Times change, but one thing holds true:  The railroads still march onwards carrying the freight that gives us our standard of living.  Long live the railroads!

Tomorrow is Mother's day.  I feel a sadness cause I couldn't get Mom more.  I got her a card which I hope she appreciates.  If it were a just world, I would have gotten her flowers -- a large bouquet of beautiful roses or pansies.  She certainly has meant so much to me lately.  It is hard to believe, but ten years ago we barely talked.  We fought constantly like cats and dogs -- oil and water.  Now, I call her everyday to see how she is doing.  We are kindred spirits whose mental illnesses kept us at arms.  We are medicated now and serene, loving, and giving.  We have both come a long way. 

Almost looking forward to going back to bed.  I did sleep 5 more hours this morning after waking at 6 AM.  Sleep is my great escape -- my release.  I know no panic attacks will occur then.  Unfortunately, once I am up then I am up.  I can't go back to sleep no matter how hard I try.  Fresh, warm recently washed and dried sheets and comforters on my bed.  So inviting.   Maggie has the right idea and is on the bed.  I can hear the bed shake as she carefully preens herself of the numerous things that "bite" her -- her cooties.   Hours will pass before the urge to sleep again hits.    


Brad said...

I've had two panic attacks this week too. I hate those mother F@#kers. It does suck.

I'm going over to Mom's in the morning and making her breakfast, Then we'll take the pup's for a walk after that.

It doesn't take presents or anything shiny bud. Our Mom's really just want our time. Take your Mom for a walk or something. Tell her how much you love her and how pretty she is.

High-Five brother - be well.

C.A. said...

I'd much rather have my children's TIME than flowers or gifts. Your gift is just being with your Mom, and trying to understand her.

I'm thinking of you today, Andrew!


Mel said...

Most people suffer from panic attacks at one time or another in their lifetime, myself included, so I know of what I preach. Panic attacks thrive on adrenalin! Accept the attack and as calmly as possible, let it pass, it will. Soon, without the "panic", there is no attack. No doubt every time you check your pulse for another panic attack, you bring on the adrenalin that "it" requires. I used to compare a panic attack to chill, you can either shiver and think of how uncomfortable it is, or just accept it as a defense against cold. Take back the power!


villain820 said...

I have had my share of panic attacks in the past. Usually brought on by traumatic events. So I worry about that every time something rocks my world.

I feel for you, it can be very scary feeling your not in control of your emotions and that can hit at any moment.

Hope you and your Mom have a good Mothers day!

AlabamaGal said...

I am sorry about the panic attacks. Your Mom will love her card and if you can visit her and spend some quality time, that is a beautiful gift. :)

I did not have money to buy much this year either and that is why I decided to try to make the pillow for my Mom. I had some remnant material and crochet thread, and definitely had more time than money. Really Moms just care that you think of them, not so much about the pricetag. Your Mom is a lucky woman to have you as her son.

are beautiful. But, I had some panic attacks myself when we used to work early a.m. routes and I heard the sudden horn of the train when I didn't realize it was near. Always scared the daylights out of me, to the point of Armando doing pre-train horn warnings. (laugh)


SOUL: said...

you had a lot on your mind writin this post-- understandable tho-- you know i get that way too-- damn mind goes faster than a texas tornado at times, so yep-- i'm right there with ya.

sometimes i wonder -- i KNOW it's not all the time, because i too know that panic attacks attacks come from nowhere at times too-- where you really sometimes can't even identify it as a panic attack. it literally feels like a heart attack or something until you are convinced it is one-- a snowball effect ya know. not a great way to live, but once we can , or when we do learn to "manage" them.. not control them, because i don't know there is such a thing. but once they don't rule our "next step".. it gets better. really. just remember to remember YOU are still in control, and breathe-- it passes.. if you don't let the fear rule you.

ok that's my psyche note for the day.

as for mothers' day--- my soulkid has given, made, and bought me many "things" for mothers day-- or even birthdays and christmas...

but the ones that ouch my heart , and even with my poor memory-- that i can't forget-- that make me the happiest, that make me want to tell the world.. is when she gives me HER for a day. for a young teenager-- that is the best gift ever. be it a [poem, a letter, a good attitude, time together talking, without provoking silly juvenile arguments.... that is what i treasure most. more than any amount of money can buy.

your mom is the same as any other--- all any mom wants for mom day-- is to know that their child-children love them, and appreciate them--- and SEE what we have done for them.. when we as moms don't think they have a clue. and all that takes is a little time, a few words, and a great big hug.
best of all// it doesn't cost you a dime.. but it pays a fortune in your moms eyes..and heart. (any mom)

ok-- i'm a sappy soul-- so i shall go...

i do hope you and your mom have a wonderful time-- and let us all know how it goes- k

taKE care my brotha.. :))

justLacey said...

Send some of that rain my way. My grass is looking pretty shabby. Who would have ever thought that milk would be nearly 5 dollars a gallon. You did good! Wish your mom a happy Mothers's Day from me.

mosiacmind said...

Hi Andrew...hope that you have a good Sunday. I am sure that your Mom will like her card and perhaps just the two of you can get together sometime and as others have said I think time together is one of the best gifts that Moms want especially wtih teens and adults. Take great care of yourself.

mosiacmind said...

Just read the twitter and wanted to say that you are NOT socially retarded friend.

Diane Vogel Ferri said...

I am sure your mom is blessed to have you as a son. Time and talking are the best gifts to us moms.


It must be in the air, the panic I too have had too many of them as of bad that I am back on meds (I have yet to write that over in my world)..let's hope it settles down.

Sorry for your anxiousness, I know how it feels, and it's the worst feeling..the physical symptoms are so powerful..


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Jami said...

I'm new to reading your blog, and I'm enjoying it. What a great writing gift you have.

Now, I hope I don't offend anyone, because I have never had panic attacks, but I am a counselor so I want to state what sounds so easy but I know is difficult: The more you fear the panic attacks, the more likely they are to come on.

Do those of you who have them practice things regularly that keep your overall stress levels down?

Just a friendly suggestion (and, oh, counseling, of course)! :-)