Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Clickety Clack!

I worried all day yesterday constantly.  Worried about Rosa.  Worried about my sister and her one year old, and how she was going to juggle all that and be a cancer doctor.  Worried about Mom and her mental illness.  It culminated into a big whiz bang anxiety/panic attack that lasted for hours and hours.  Thankfully, it passed just about time for Dad to come over at 9:30 PM.  Whew!!!!  That was close.  I couldn't bare to go through another search of my house for contraband that Dad is prone to do when I am feeling ill.  Adding insult to injury. 

This morning I am still in my pajamas. Not long from waking.  I've been watching Maggie chase a fly -- her little "cleats" going clickety clack on my hardwood floors as she daintily chases it.  It has brought many a childish smile and laugh.  I am easily amused.  It makes me feel lighter and better.  

I find myself living through other people's blogs lately.  Their lives seem so good and wholesome.  Free of anxiety or panic attacks.  I long to be so active and outgoing.  I would love to go to an AA meeting today.  Just to sit and listen to the AA speak and people watch.  Alcoholics are such an interesting breed of person.   Brutally honest once in AA -- almost to a fault.   I admire that and need to emulate it more.  I would love to get embroiled in constant AA meetings and gatherings again.   

5 comments:

PipeTobacco said...

Sir:

If you can go to an AA meeting, why not go since you are interested?

If that does not work out, perhaps you can go see George and his mom for company?

Just out of curiosity sir, may I request that sometime in the future you talk about your community's library. I always enjoy hearing about how different towns organize their reading matter.

I wanted to let you know I had written a long comment concerning the Rosa/car post yesterday, but the blogger comments were malfunctioning and "ate" my comment. Basically I thought your decisions wise concerning both your car and giving Rosa a ride. But I also tried to encourage you to not presume and worry about Rosa possibly being involved in drug use or other nefarious activity. My reasoning is that life is too short to worry about other's actions *before* you know there is a problem. It could simply be that Rosa was a) feeling too burdensome, b) cranky because she did not get her request answered in the way she preferred, or c) something else entirely.

Have a great day sir!

PipeTobacco

amelia said...

Why can't you see your doctor and tell him about the attacks?

amelia said...

OK, I'm an idiot!!! I just read your twitter update and see you're going Thursday. That's really great and I'll be anxious to see how you made out!!

Good luck to you!

CRUSTYBEEF said...

wanna know something wierd? I get anxiety about being out of the house and the "what if I have to go to the bathroom..number 2"
seriously..
and then my heart jumps out of my throat and I can't breath and I literally have to stick my head out the window like a dog would do and gulp in the air (if I'm a passenger) because for some reason that makes me feel like I'm putting more oxygen in my lungs because prior to that, I can't breath.
When I get them at home, I stick my head in the freezer..
I can't feel what you're experiencing, but I know that I don't like these damn PA's either.
they suck balls! :)
friend,
Elizabeth

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