Sunday, April 20, 2008

Words can be Daggers!

"Why did you leave me?" I asked Rosa over the phone a moment ago.

She had called me to ask about some things she needed to pick up.  Toiletries and what-nots. 

"I've already told you," she said. "And besides... It will just hurt your feelings again.  You are so sensitive."

"Was it my lack of money?"

"It was your overbearing family!" Rosa blurted out. "It is just not natural.  You are 36 years old.  Your father creeps me out. They are controlling you and you don't see it."

She was right.  It did hurt my feelings.  My love was torn for my family and for her.  We talked for awhile longer until I said goodbye.  I wanted to sit quietly and have a pity party.  I have missed her so much lately.  I have missed just having anyone.  Rosa was always so forgiving of my unorthodox life.  I guess she had finally had enough.  A person can only take so much. 

I honestly don't know how to go about changing my life without destroying the relationship with my father.  He now has a hand in every aspect of my life just like my mother. 

And you know what?  I have a pretty good life as well to be honest.  I don't have a lot of pressure on me.  All my physical needs are met.  I have a part time job that is very forgiving.    I have plenty of time for the other love of my life, the Internet.   I will just have to decide to forgivingly live with the status quo or unleash the maelstrom of change that would be me trying to reinvent myself. Freedom can come at a very dear cost at times.   


luvulongtime said...

I suppose as long as you're aware that he's trying to help you by controlling aspects of your life. I really wouldn't call it unnatural if you really needed the help. It's not forever but it's up to you to get better and gain your independence.

mosiacmind said...

I know how hard it is sometimes when dealing with family YET I know often it is for what is good for me. I know at times things are difficult for you wanting more freedom with money and medications YET I know lately you have really seen how much it helps you stay sober and thinking clearly. I know I get frustrated with the things that I seem to need help on YET for me and you to have a good stable as much as possible it is with dealing with mental illnesses. I think for myself and also for you friend that my family well my mom is a huge blessing in my life as I think your family your dad and mom are also a blessing in your life. Saying all of that it is hard when people say things that often times it is hard to get out of one's brain...PLEASE take really great care of yourself today! I also have NOTHING against Rosa yet remember she has not walked in your shoes so does not know what it is like to deal with what you deal with...hope this all makes sense. I do care lots as you know.

Golden To Silver Val said...

Rosa needs to remember that you are dealing with mental illness and you really do NEED the structure that your family least right now. Someday you may be able to function well on your own and not back pedal into alcoholism, but for right now you need this. I'm sorry that Rosa is not able to take that into consideration. Obviously she never knew you when you were your she's unaware of just how far you've come. If you could talk to Rosa about these things, perhaps she would understand more. Rosa needs to be reminded that your life is not average or 'natural'....and you're doing the best you can under the circumstances. Rosa could very well provide the structure that you need in the future if she wants to be part of your life. In the meantime, you're doing very well with your sobriety, Andrew. Keep it up. You have to be very proud of we all are of you too.

villain820 said...

I know what you mean. My father is still very tied to my life. He has his hands in my finances and uses his power to make me feel guilty. But you are doing really well (150!!) and should feel good that your parents care and can help you.

take care.

anonymous said...

Andrew, You said you have a part time job, have you been paid one penny yet? If not, you don't have a part time job. You are a volunteer.

God I miss you writing about Rosa, she seemed like the only normal thing in your life.

Quite frankly, I miss you writing about hanging out with the gang. Have you visited George's sweet mother lately? She was always kind to you.

justLacey said...

I have to agree with Val. Maybe Rosa is not the right person for you in your recovery. Give it the full year and in that time try to forge some new friendships. I know you are lonely sometimes, but we all are I think. There is nothing worse than having someone and still being lonely. Your recovery has not been that long in relation to how long you were sick. Give yourself some time to adjust. You are doing so well.