I awoke early this morning -- much earlier than usual. Even though I had spent a long night lying in the bed with Maggie as I watched Court TV (The Hobopoet would admonish me!). I ate an apple danish, showered, and left the house for a morning of rail fanning. Big S was sitting in front of Merl's diner as I crossed the highway. I didn't speak to him, but it was comforting to know he was still around. I am sure he would likely have a thousand questions for me about my absence at the shopping center lately. I quit going when I realized no one wanted to hear about the gang anymore. It was a labor of blog love that was easily given up. Most of the gang acted like broken records anyway.
These times spent on the backside of town away from the rest of the world are a moment for me to gather my thoughts. Rosa and her call yesterday was still fresh on my mind as I sat on the bench behind the bank where Ferret used to sleep years ago, homeless. I realized I have never grieved over her leaving. I felt devoid of emotion over the whole affair -- blunted by the medications so crucial to my mental well being. They give me sanity, but take away the kinder and gentler emotions of concern and missing a loved one -- imparting a callousness that isn't exactly what I am feeling. I still feel I am overly kind hearted and would give a loved one the shirt off my back.
A few trains passed and excited me. I ran over to the place my ear upon the warm rail as the end of train device blinked off in the distance and disappeared around the corner past downtown. You could hear the flanges squeal and the sound of tons of steel upon steel. I smiled and then sat up and clapped I was so excited.
I realized this morning that I am child trapped in a man's body -- a victim of a societies expectations. I never grew up. It is all rather mind boggling when I think about it -- what is expected of me and what I must do to conform to my families and societies wishes. Where is that deserted island I've so longed for? Would Maggie go with me? I now know how Chris McCandless felt when he left school and home to live in the wilds of Alaska. It also cost him his life. No matter how much society and family stymies us, we are dependent upon them for our well being -- linked within a intricate social web that can be our savoir and also the bane of our existence.